a writer in the dark

My inner monoblog. Boston born. Singapore raised. Allergic to everything. Goes places a lot.

[deadithurts]

andrew garfield saying, “i hope this grief stays with me because it’s all the unexpressed love that i didn’t get to tell her” about his mothers passing is so gut wrenchingly beautiful because we rarely talk about the love we want to express but can’t, not because you’re not brave enough to say it out loud but because they’re not here to listen to it anymore. calling grief the love you never had the chance to share makes it less of a burden and more of something you want to keep and not something terrible you want to move on from. i love love how everything about grief always comes down to “what is grief if not love persevering?”

[ibelieve-incoffee]

[ibelieve-incoffee]

"I know my pain is such an imposition" written by Taylor Alison Swift pretty much encapsulates how it feels trying to show up for the ones you love that are still here while actively grieving a catastrophic loss.

[ibelieve-incoffee]

Every time I take a jar of something out of the pantry I wonder if this is it. If this was the last thing she’d purchased that would make its way off the shelf and into a dish. I still remember shaking in her kitchen on a trash day in december and dumping out the long spoiled 2% milk only she used to make her morning lattes. For too many weeks it felt like if we just kept her milk there she wouldn't really be gone. If I held on to it long enough we would get her back. I think about this every time I spray a bottle of windex or use the olive oil in the house. Like if I finally finish the last thing, she will really be gone this time. All of her unfinished things will be finished- forever. Her kindle is still sitting on her night stand waiting to be picked up. Her colorful wardrobe hanging in her closet waiting to be worn. The cart on her amazon account still sitting with pootie’s diapers and my dad’s protein powder ready to be ordered. She was just here. How agonizing and devastating to know my grieving for her will always be unfinished- even long after I’ve used the last drop of olive oil. 

[handonmystupidheart]

andrew garfield for gq, 2022

[ganjashleigh]

[nickii90-blog]

[ibelieve-incoffee]

I wish I was healed before I met you so you could meet the best version of me. I’m better than that I promise.

I had a different version of our ending in my head, all of them nowhere near as agonizing as the one that we got. I’m a different version entirely than the person I was when I last saw you. When I met you. And even when we spent every day with each other. 

It’s so strange. I feel so incredibly far away from the person who would walk up and down Boylston Street every day. She doesn’t relate at all to the woman who stomps around South Congress every weekend. Even simply looking in the mirror I see someone entirely new. And I catch myself wondering every now and then if you’d be proud of me. You meant everything to me for so long and I just wish we could have met when I was fully healed so you could have known the best version of me. I’m better than the one you knew I promise. 

If you do meet her one day, if we ever run into one another when I’m back home, I hope you like her. 

[365filmsbyauroranocte]

My name is Julia Ross (Joseph H. Lewis, 1945)

[11990904]

I don’t think anyone is ever ready, but when someone makes you feel alive again it’s kind of worth the risk.

[lyricslove]

liability // lorde

[ibelieve-incoffee]

you can have your space, cowgirl 

[butch-himbo-king-deactivated202]

vibe check! *wraps my arms around your waist from behind and gently rests my head between your shoulder blades*

[ibelieve-incoffee]

i am still sitting here. silently hoping. that the universe has made a mistake. that the synchronicities of time had a miscalculation. and that the revision for us to find each other again is already in the works. 

[ibelieve-incoffee]

grief is proof of love

[ibelieve-incoffee]

i just love casual intimacy. if my love language was more specific than simply “physical touch” it would be casual intimacy. hand in hand. a squeeze on the arm moving past one another in the kitchen. elbows on the center console in the car. a head on the shoulder. hair playing. a gentle kick from where they’re sitting across the table. and I think its because for me love was never about the grand gestures or explosive displays. ive never longed for a big white wedding or an expensive ring. i just want the little things and someone to have those with. the little things that add up and reassure my anxious attachment style to say “im still right here and I care for you and I love you and your life has intertwined so deeply into mine that that there’s no need to think, because casual intimacy comes so easy”.

[cherishedits]

random moonlight lockscreens 

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cr: @matialonsorphoto