I was a user, an abuser, a manipulator, a liar (especially to myself), a thief, and a disloyal friend. I had let myself forget the processes necessary for any growth or positive change and let negative thoughts and emotions control my actions. I had let my sense of self dissolve and lost sight of the virtues that used to be more prominent in my character. I had let myself believe that my words and actions no longer affected other people because my habit of isolation made me feel disconnected from the rest of society. I starved myself from any physical, emotional or spiritual nourishment and relied on my vices to keep me numb to how toxic I was becoming. I was too much of a coward to confront my own feeling and put up a front in some attempt to make people believe that there was nothing wrong even when all evidence pointed to the contrary. Hopeless, helpless, and insecure, I felt the need to latch onto any form of stability that I could. Although I could sometimes tell when others had the sense not to swim too close to a drowning man, it still did not stop me from using peoples trust, kindness, or helpful nature to my advantage. But I never gained an advantage and only slid further into depression, loneliness and depravity. Even when someone did feel inclined to help me, I would not let myself be sincere or vulnerable enough to accept. I ignored good advice, declined invitations, and rejected helping hands more often than not. I regret that people that I care about had to witness my behavior ranging from petty to malicious and sometimes vicious. I am ashamed that I chose to poke fun at the traumas and fears of other people to try and shift my attention away from my own. I recognize that I projected my own inadequacies onto others that had wronged me in no way. I realize now that I objectified and degraded people in my selfish crusade for gratification, paying no mind to their feelings. I stopped listening to my conscience and lost sight of my moral compass and had forgotten my own values. I intentionally miscommunicated a lot of the time, out of fear of being sincere. And although I was aware of the stages of grief, still I was thoroughly unprepared for the way which they would effect me. and although it is hard for me to get out from under my defense mechanisms and the fact that I still feel undeserving of forgiveness, I would still be grateful for the chance to make amends where at all possible.
kianamaiart
izzy806
discoholicmusic
