I Don't Usually Write

Things I have to get out

[idontusuallywrite]

witness

i want to be witnessed. i want to be seen throwing the pillows on the couch. i want to be seen washing the dishes and filling my water bottle. i want to be seen making the bed in the morning and putting the remote on the coffee table. i want to be seen brushing my teeth and picking out clothes. i want to be seen folding the blankets and opening the curtains. i want someone to be there watching me do the mundane day in and day out, as if it were some kind of incredible feat. i want to be witnessed to make sure i'm real and loveable, someone worth looking at.

[idontusuallywrite]

sometimes, the sun is at just the right position and the weather is perfect and you wore just the perfect amount of clothing and the song you're listening to becomes something you could create a life inside of and you think there could be reasons to live again

[idontusuallywrite]

and when these moments pile up, life stops feeling like wanting to not live anymore and instead starts to feel like the desperate search for these blissful moments. but what if i have work to do and miss the window of it happening, what if it’s happening right now? I want to throw all responsibility into the trashcan and bounce along the streets looking for The moment waiting for it to reveal itself to me, to let myself be continually open to it. I feel addicted to the moment I need a hit of pure unadulterated happiness and contentment. I need it. I need to feel what it means to want to live.

[idontusuallywrite]

sometimes, the sun is at just the right position and the weather is perfect and you wore just the perfect amount of clothing and the song you're listening to becomes something you could create a life inside of and you think there could be reasons to live again

[idontusuallywrite]

i spoke so sweetly of you, even the words fell in love.

they found their identity in their description of you.

‘ethereal’ and ‘stardust’ knew they belonged to your aura. you become their most favorite thing to talk about.

‘beautiful’ and ‘divine’ dedicated themselves to the explaination of your perfect face and intoxicating eyes.

‘tender’ and ‘passionate’ jumped at every opportunity to tell about your character, especially in regards to me.

‘longing’ and ‘desire’ were always excited to articulate the feelings between us, both soulfully and physically.

and finally there was the most important,

‘love’.

‘love’ found it’s entire identity in your actions and feelings towards me. it had never been used in terms of something like this before. this was something bigger than it knew how to deal with.

but ‘love’ admits,

it found it’s home in you and me.

[idontusuallywrite]

loving you is a seed that i’ve swallowed

it’s changed path and burrowed deep into my heart

sprouting and growing inside me, my heart feels so full, absolutely bursting with this love

it continues to grow bigger and bigger planning to burst out of me

it does and blooms the most beautiful flowers

they use me as the nutrients to grow to great size

they shout from their heights the glory and beauty of all that is you, making sure everyone hears it

nobody had seen a thing like this until they found another one, and put us side by side,

my flowers shouting your praise

and yours shouting mine

this is love

[idontusuallywrite]

how I long

to put on a record 

and grab your hand

spinning you around 

my hand on your waist

yours on my neck

stumbling and laughing 

around the room.

fools version 

of a waltz,

stumbling, giggling, leaning

into each other,

closing the space we know so well. 

[idontusuallywrite]

every night, I toss and turn

unable to sleep

not only because I am longing for your warmth, 

 or longing your body taking up space next to mine

but because, how am I supposed to sleep

when the dream is when I am awake, with you 

[idontusuallywrite]

skin cold as ice

will burn as your fingers 

dance over its surface

each square inch

is a volcano 

erupting from the brush of your hand

your touch is a match 

my body is a forest

you will spark a wildfire 

traveling and spreading 

fire and warmth 

under each tip of your fingers

I am just crumpled paper

ready to scorch 

whenever you 

trace my edges

[idontusuallywrite]

and all of a sudden, all the songs and poems were about you

[idontusuallywrite]

‘but i’m nothing like those girls in the paintings’ i say aloud. ‘i’ve got strange curves and my face is not surrounded by tendrils of perfectly curled hair. my skin is not porcelain clear and beautifully smooth. i can’t dance around naked looking like a goddess.”

i say this aloud as if anyone can hear me or as if anyone even cares.

i say this aloud hoping to hear her response, ‘you’re right and those paintings aren’t as beautiful as you. you’re the dancing lady in my painting. with your beautiful freckles and wonderful shape. and you must be kidding to say you don’t look like a goddess. when bared, the sun doesn’t shine so bright as you. you’re my lilith, my venus, my olympia, but most importantly you’re my you.”

i wait for these words to come, but i’m continually met with the loudest silence.

[idontusuallywrite]

i aim to love you so deeply that it completely takes over my brain.

so deeply so there is not a free inch of my thought that is not dominted by your beauty.

so deeply and with so much intention there is no room for me to feel hatred.

i aim to love you so much i forget to hate myself.

[idontusuallywrite]

my love for you is so strong, it leaves me wounded

my soul crumpled into a tiny ball, rolling behind you everyday of your life

each move you make, i crumple a little bit smaller into myself

if you hadn’t noticed me before surely you won’t now

but how could you know each action you make, makes my heart throb and my soul ache for you

you can’t

so i just crumple into myself more and more, bit by bit, until i’m packed so tightly i burst into the sky like a thousand fireworks

hopefully then you’ll look up and admire my beauty

[idontusuallywrite]

loving you is being attached to a leash

each step i take towards your open hand i pull the collar around my neck

each step makes it harder and harder to breathe

each step still leaves me ever so slightly out of your embrace

i keep stepping

choking

hoping one day the leash will break and i can

be yours

[idontusuallywrite]

you and my love for you are both an ocean

one day i was floating on top, not aware of the depth below me

you came up like a rip current, yanking me under with no regards to the world you were taking me from

after the initial fear, i was able to see the depths of the ocean and all of the beautiful things inside of it

i became a mermaid and you remained the elusive current

i followed you everywhere to see where you come from

i still do to this day

i see the depths of the ocean that is my love and the power of your mighty pull

i wonder what a girl like me had ever done to be swept away like this

i realize as i follow you further and further away from the shore, the ocean is much more charming than the land

and i can chase you better with fins than legs

[idontusuallywrite]

did you know?

did you know my heart shatters into a million pieces each time i see your face?

did you know i love you to the moon and back one hundred million times?

did you know you fill me up in ways i’ve never known?

did you know you are everything in the world to me?

you didn’t know.

you didn’t know because you are a hundred light years away in a different universe than i am.

but i continue to ask, did you know?

[idontusuallywrite]

melting lava

at a glimpse of you, I explode

my heart aches and splits open, hot lava of love spilling out and melting my body into a puddle on the floor

somehow my body as a puddle continues to ache and throb, painfully aware that you are not scooping me up to make me whole again

you will never know how I long for your presence, your being, your body warmth

I LONG for your smile, your anger, your hurt, your jealousy

I long for YOU and that’s it, that is all 

you affect me in a way that is almost impossible to put into words so I come here and try to paint a picture letter by letter of what you do to me and it’s still not enough

I EXPLODE at the glimpse you and you have never had a glimpse of me

I don’t even find it unfair because I GET to look at you 

I GET to feel the wild, amazing, crazy things you make me feel

there is no injustice because I still get to feel and experience you in my own way

I could never be more grateful for something as minuscule as this little bit of you I consider mine, though you are not even mine, you belong to the world and i love to see you interact with it through my own lens

I will sit in my quiet little corner, still a pool of lava and ache and long and cry over you until my lava cools and I take on new shape and move on to the next who has the power to melt me

[idontusuallywrite]

someone else

unclasping my bra and slipping it off my arms I wish it were someone else

someone else to bare myself to

someone else to view me as I cannot view myself:

                          breathtaking, divine, exquisite

someone else to see in me what I do not see in myself:

                          creativity, intelligence, wit

someone else to touch me where my body has been devoid of touch for so long

someone else to warm the coldest corners of my soul 

someone else to teach me what it is to love

someone else to make me believe I am worthy 

someone else; anyone at all