Self-Hatred and Self-Sabotage in āBeard After Hoursā
*Trigger warning for discussion of suicide and depression*
So I re-watched āBeard After Hoursā today and was struck by the depth of his self-loathing, self-harm, and the suicidal imagery throughout the episode, much of which escaped me the first time around. If you recall, towards the end of the night Beard finds himself in a churchāa common space for people to turn to when theyāve reached the end of their ropeāand he says to God something that I think neatly summarizes Beardās struggle:
āAnd I am under no illusions that [Jane] could solve what ails me. But when Iām with her, the world just feelsā¦ more interesting.ā
Now, right before this the dialogue reminds us of Janeās last name, āThereās this woman, Jane. Last name Payne. P-A-Y-N-E.ā The different spelling aside, Ted Lasso has never been particularly subtle in naming its characters. The Midwestern, obnoxiously American protagonist is named ālasso.ā The bitter, biting, bit of an acquired taste character is named ātart.ā The character who sports prominent facial hair, but whose name otherwise alludes the audience, is called ābeard.ā Iām not saying anything new by pointing out that the woman promoting this toxic relationship is named āpain,ā but here Beard connects what Jane represents to his life philosophy. Written another way, he says that the world is more interesting to him when thereās pain in it.
On a surface level, what Beard seems to be admitting to is that Jane canāt solve what ails him because no girlfriend can magically fix her boyfriendās mental healthāan important message in a show advocating for therapy. But underneath that we have the reading that Jane canāt solve what ails him because she is what ails him. Both literally in terms of being someone who treats him quite badly and metaphorically in terms of being the āpainā that Beard continually chases, despite knowing that itās not good for him. In āThe Signalā Higgins confronts Beard about his relationship with Jane, asking if she makes him greater. Beard appears legitimately receptive to the reminder that he deserves better than her, going so far as to hug Higgins in gratitude.
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