Try try again

ACOA thoughts, irrational rants, occasional codependent wrestling matches and the on going nonsense that is the process of unraveling my experience

[ifatonceyoudontsucceed]

How to be passive aggressive on social media...

Honestly I dont know whether to shake my head in amusement or just be annoyed but this is the second time it has happened so now I get to rant about it. Why wait until the third time? 

So I live about 3K miles from my mom and while I didnt move specifically to escape her it didnt discourage me from moving I either. I have been living here in the gorgeous PNW about 3and a half months or so. 

My mom, who used to call or email with a weekly fervor that made me a bit batty has slowed considerably. In fact I think maybe we have talked 4 times in 3 months give or take chat or two and mostly cause I have called her. I have concluded that she is mad at me...or sulking because I moved or something. The point is...it doesnt matter what it is. She isnt talking much and I am really not complaining much. More curious than anything.

What she DOES do however is spam my FB photos. She will go through my photos at some given point and "like" them all. In Google plus they call it "plus fucking" I only wish Facebook had something equally lyrical. 

Now obviously this is what social media is all about right? We like friends and acquaintances pics. Sometimes we even like complete strangers pics if they are public. But my mother systematically going through my pics and liking them ( no comments mind you)  but not calling me to talk is just....I dunno. Its weird. I am sure it makes sense in her head. But as I said I dont now whether to be amused or annoyed. I am leaning toward the latter.

Here latest spree ( pictured above) is for about 6 pics. Previously when she did this is was for about twice as  many. I cant help but wonder what will happen when she gets to them ALL. Then what will she do?

You know...talk to someone....dont talk to someone. Make a fucking decision. But dont fucking stalk them and then ignore them.

Umm...mom? ya...talking to you. 

[ifatonceyoudontsucceed]

Doing art does not get dinner cooked

I came across this sentiment this morning. It struck me as ironic as ACOA we ( I?) tend to avoid what makes me happy. I actually "punish" myself by avoiding what makes me happy.  There are so many things I know make me happy  and yet I avoid them. I LOVE yoga. Love it. Havent done it in years. I love collage and typography and art. WHile I collect stuff to do it....I avoid creating things a LOT.  Completely intimidated by the process.

 As an ACOA I was told what to think do and believe my entire childhood. And as a young adult I looked to my husband and ultimately myself to impose the 'rules' on myself. Rules keep the chaos at bay and keep me focused and also impose so many rules its stifling.

One of those rules was being serious. I am so serious. Everyone says so.I somehow lost my sense of humor along the way and have been working on finding it again.

But even more sadly is that I find it really really difficult to know what fun is. My traditional fun in the past was crossword puzzles. ( ok I am not trying to win Ms Entertainer of the year here) Filling out the "what do you do for fun?" section on Match.com website was painful for me.

But this is different  To "allow" myself to do something that makes me "happy," is all about me.

What makes me happy? So Do it already! Easier said than done.

So WHY do I go so far to avoid it? There are a lot of "shoulds" in my life and one of them is: I should do all my chores, errands, to-do's  etc before I can go make myself happy. The problem with this routine is that there are so many things to do that its the end of the day before I finish them. Then it is too late because I am go to bed.  Doing something that makes me happy feels very selfish. If I am taking care of myself I am not taking care of my family, my house or whatever. And thats bad. 

I am sitting here with 4 books on collage/ mixed media determined to do something that makes me happy today. And yet I am  also looking at the list of to-do's and there are things on it that really need to be done.

So what do I do? Scan Facebook...read the news, snack and do household chores. I never get to the happy part. The fun part. Oh I divert myself, I procrastinate but I am not doing something that makes me happy. Its just avoidance.

I have a room full of craft stuff and I rarely get to it. The strictures I was raised with hold me. Though now I recognize them one of them is "I am not an artist." Art is for people with talent and you, my dear, dont have talent so its a waste of time to do anything. WHo will see it? Who will appreciate it? No one, so whats the fucking point. Go to a museum and see real art. 

There is guilt involved as well. My job is mom, wife, and all that implies. Cook, pay bills, clean, shop, vet, doctors, laundry. The list is never ending. 

Doing art does not get dinner cooked. 

This is an ongoing struggle for me. There are other strings with it, negative voices, shoulds, rules, expectations etc. 

So I suppose the thought to ponder is....does avoidance make me happy? Procrastinating my life away in order to avoid feeling? being ? 

I have concluded in the past that I am a drama addict. I cant help but miss that part of my experience. Triangulating and all that. I hate it but its...addictive. So am I addicted to avoidance of happiness too? Or is it just the guilt and criticism that stops me?  I mean I dont like being like this but as Bear has said I still have stock in it or I would let it go.

I think following the "rules" makes me a "good girl, good wife, good mom." I have to be good. Because if I am not....then I am bad. And bad is bad.  I thinkI feel I AM bad so I have to do good things all the time to cover up the badness.  Oy vey.

I hate myself because of it which ever the case. I hate that I dont follow through or finish....or hell, even start!

My goal today is to learn to transfer images. I just need to do it ( and avoid the fact the bathroom is nasty, and the cat litter needs changing and the dog fur everywhere and whatever else is starting me in the face.)

Isnt it ironic while I dont find cleaning exciting I find it less intimidating than playing with craft stuff and learning new techniques. I actually feel intimidated and anxious right now at the thought of going to do some sort of crafty thing.

How twisted is that?

[drown-soda-deactivated20131029]

[ifatonceyoudontsucceed]

And so dont want to be....

[ifatonceyoudontsucceed]

Click me, Share me, doncha wanna be like me?

So like many others I have a few social media outlets.  Facebook has become the de facto way way for me to meet people since I have moved across the country. And its been good. But there is one thing I notice often. 

Do you ever see those posts that are like "Share if you have the BEST mom ever"   or "Click like if you think your Dad is awesome" or  "Share if you have the coolest sibling ever!"  Or some such shit?

I see these and I  pause at them. I think about my mom's ongoing sly shenanigans (which are considerably less since I am now 3K miles from her) and my brother's ongoing denial about our lack of relationship and of course my Dad whose death 2 decades ago has in no way hindered the damage done to this family's ability to play mind games and bully each other. 

I dont have the best mom ever. I mean she loves me. She is very generous in a way ( though there is always some string attached). She adores her grandchildren, she volunteers, she has many friends. She put up with my Dad's shit. Though I am not sure that is a good thing. But she is not the type of mom that protected me, encouraged me, helped me to grow. Cheered me on.  Do I want June Cleaveresque?  I dont know, I dont think so.  

On some level these inane posts just make me angry. Or maybe jealous.  Best sibling? My brother has crossed me out of his life? And has by all accounts cant see anything wrong with our lack of relationship.

So I decided to make my own e-card just for here. Of course I cant possibly share it anywhere but here.  But thats ok.  You all can share it. Go ahead I dare ya.

Its funny though because I dont feel actively "angry" its been waaay to busy a summer for that. Between moving and buying and selling and unpacking and entertaining a teenager I just havent had the time to ruminate much. And that is a nice break from my usual overthinking.

And dont get me wrong. While I acknowledge my background I dont use it as a crutch. My relationship with my family is of my own choosing in many ways; I got healthy, I changed, and I escaped. This is the result.

I havent yet figured out how to be so magnanimous and be around them and just let them be because they remind me that what I did ( break the unwritten rule)  all the time. Its impossible for me NOT to react to their crazy behavior.

So NO I dont have a fabulous family and part of me really wants to put that out there. I just want to flame them sometimes. If you can share how much you love someone why not share how fucked relationships are as well? Its just not the cool thing to do right? 

BUT I will say I do have a fabulous husband and kids. They are my rocks, my anchors and the wind under my wounded wings. And even though I never share deep meaningful photoshopped hearts and glitter on Facebook about how fucking fabulous they are, I SHARE with them everyday my love and gratitude for having them in my life.

[beholdingslut]

"Battle not with monsters, lest you become a monster and if you gaze into the abyss, the abyss gazes into you.”

Friedrich Nietzsche (via mythaelogy)

[ifatonceyoudontsucceed]

You get what you choose

Quite some time ago...I pondered "deserving" and what it means and doenst mean to me as I tried to wrap my head around it. This article hits it dead on....I highly reccomend you read and noodle on it....

Stop feeling you deserve better

[ifatonceyoudontsucceed]

You are not your big toe!

"do not believe everything you think. Thoughts impact how you feel, and, in turn, feelings impact your behavior. But, ultimately thoughts cannot make you do anything and do not define who you are. The better you can become at being aware of your thoughts and simply labeling them ("I'm having the thought…), the better you can recognize them for what they are—just thoughts."

Clayton Cook University of Washington

More on this

[ifatonceyoudontsucceed]

Longing to belong...

After my rant here yesterday I went a fired off a post on FB....and I dont regret it. I didnt name names or point fingers. I am sure the women that are "at fault" are not even aware of my anger.

But it got me thinking about belonging. 

As it turns out belonging is an essential need on Maslow's Hierarchy of Needs. I had totally forgotten that in the interim between college and middle adulthood.

And really that is what my hang ups are really about eh? Belonging to family. Being accepted by family. Having a group that loves you anyway. I think that is probably the basis of all my issues. 

I may be overly dramatic sometimes but at the root of it is feeling rejected and "outside" the in group. As Bear says....this is OLD OLD stuff.

But my realizations about the past are overshadowed by my need to move on, my deep desire to let it go and move past it. But the fact is I have a lot of anger ( ie rant on FB) and I think until I somehow excise THAT little monster its never going away. 

Protecting all that anger is of course the generalized numbness of feelings. That is to say I dont not feel. I just dont feel strongly deeply passionatly except when I am royally triggered and pissed/ hurt. And then I am loud and defensive and usually crying and then exhausted afterwards. This doesnt happen often thank goodness.

I have made some attempts lately to prod myself to anger in a safe situation. I have thought deeply about when the change occured and what I remember....dont remember and what I felt and buried at the time. Mostly it feels like its buried in 3 decades of adulthood.

But viewing Maslow's Hierarchy yesterday really brought back jkust how basic a need belonging is and how its really at the core of all my issues. 

After I wallowed in self righteousness a bit, felt moderately silly though not sorry for ranting...launched my daughter to the prom I went out for drinks with friends and laughed and giggled and enjoyed myself.

The fact is I do have places I belong. I know this intellectually but my heart forgets it . A lot. And of course to belong I have to go out and contact friends, be involved, do something, have a goal with others. This is where I self sabotage myself sometimes. I wallow. 

Because for some stupid reason that is not enough. I have an addiction to "belong" to my family. Or at least the people who are either related to me by marriage or blood.

The amazing thing is I dont even particularly LIKE THEM. They can be smug, arrogant, self centered and close minded. WHY in the world do I want to be around that???? I DON'T!!!

And this is the conundrum of the ACOA...going back over and over to the toxic well. The good news is we realize it sooner and sooner and eventually ( I hope and pray) we will be able to pass it by entirely and drink from the well of health and love.

[theremixkid]

You should be angry. You must not be bitter. Bitterness is like cancer. It eats upon the host. It doesn’t do anything to the object of its displeasure. So use that anger. You write it. You paint it. You dance it. You march it. You vote it. You do everything about it. You talk it. Never stop talking it.

Maya Angelou (via feminist-fairy)

[ifatonceyoudontsucceed]

Sister Bitch

I have one sibling. My brother is a little over 3 years younger than me and I have always wanted some sisters. AS an adult I am on my 3rd major relationship. In first marriage which lasted 17 years I had a sister in law who was about 7 yrs older than me. And though I saw her via family functions and such it was clear we never had much in common. 

My second relationship surprised me, thrilled me and then broke my heart. In that I had 3 "sister in laws" I use quotes because I wasnt married but it was a long enough relationship that I felt part of the family. These women and their mom made me feel very loved and connected to their "clan" as they called themselves. I worked with one of them directly and the other one lived a few hours away but was very chatting and welcoming. Until of course I the end came. And really who can blame sisters for not choosing me over their favored little brother. I miss the feeling of belonging more than I miss their brother.

In my second marriage I have three official sister in laws. Two of who live in the next state over and one who lives south of DC. And yet here I am feeling on the outs again....its become a familiar uncomfortable feeling.

What is that feeling? Plain old jealousy. Jealousy of not belonging. I mean face it...after nearly 30 years as an adult I know intellectually I should care less but it hurts still not to feel welcomed and accepted by other woman that are a part of the family.

There is one common factor that has tied all these woman together and which I have never been a part of.....they are all practicing Catholics. Some of them avidly religious.

I am not. Neither Catholic nor practicing any other religion avidly. I am ok with this. As I have mentioned before my spiritual leanings are downright pagan and I am not in the broom closet and have been known to wear my pentacle sometimes. When asked what church I attend the public explanation is that I bring my daughters to the Unitarian Universalist church. Which neither answers the question about what church I go to or what I practice but it is accepted.

So whats my point? I am ranting about judgemental catholic women I suppose. But who am I kidding....all women...ok...most women....play fucking mind games. its why I have always avoided women as close friends in general.

But for some reason this marriage, these sister in laws....I am feeling really triggered. I think in part because my own family isnt really accepting of me. And you would think by all my complaining I didnt have friends...I do. I am not an extrovert but I am well liked. 

Honestly I am so triggered I have had to "unfollow" one of my sister in laws on FB. 

Anger, jealousy ( I am embarrassed to admit) and irritation splash across me at her divisive, us vs them, smug "look how popular I am" and how much I get together with 2 of my three sister in laws ( present company excluded).

Why do I even care?  I shouldnt. But I do. I feel left out. Shut out. 

It is one of the many reasons I am glad to be moving 3K miles away very soon. But that is a sad reason to be moving as well. 

The jealous is not going to go away until I resolve it for myself and its all about the belonging for me. 

On the one hand I want to belong, have sisters, have family that accepts me for who I am on the other....I will be damned if I am going to kiss ass, be subservient and not speak my mind and if that means being on the outs,,,,then so be it. 

I dont play games....and frankly I dont want to be around people who do.

[jeaniefranklins]

Developing the ability to piss other people off (or even to RISK pissing them off) without knuckling under is pretty much the Holy Grail of emotionally abused kids, I think. We are programmed to respond at the first sign of displeasure, and we don’t have the faith in ourselves and our decisions to weather the storm– or even a mild sprinkle– so we tend to freak out as if the world was ending if a cloud crosses the sun. We freak out about the possibility that we’re wrong, that we’re doing the wrong things, that we’re making the wrong choices, that we’ll make someone angry, because there’s this awful certainty lurking at the back of our minds that says “If you do the wrong thing, you will be in TROUBLE.” And being in TROUBLE is the worst thing, ever, because that part of our brain is forever three years old where our parents are our whole world and being in TROUBLE is the end of everything. It takes a lot of practice to gain that sort of gut-level knowledge that we’re strong enough to handle this stuff and that the world doesn’t end if someone else is angry at us. It’s not an innate quality that some people have and some don’t; people who grow up in non-abusive homes learn it when they’re young, is all, and the rest of us have to learn it when we’re grown up. And it sucks, and it’s not fair, and it’s not fun, but there’s no getting around it, and you can do it, you CAN. You can piss people off. You can be wrong. You can fuck up. You can do stuff that everyone thinks is weird. AND IT IS ALL OKAY. The world won’t end. You will still be a good person. And the likelihood is that most of the things you do WON’T be wrong, and WON’T piss people off, and WON’T be up-fuckery, and WON’T be weird, but if it is? The hell with it; fix it, if necessary, and move on.

PomperaFirpa @Captain Awkward (via ladysaviour)

[ifatonceyoudontsucceed]

Beware the Jabberwock

I have been extremely remiss in writing. I wont apologize to my legions of followers. I mean does anyone really care I have spent the last 4 plus months readying my house to sell so I can move 3K miles across the country to the lovely pacific northwest. A surprise to this native New Englander I assure you. But when employment calls and ones husband gets a dream job....you go.

I have thought a lot about that over the last few months.  Why is it I am always following my man. And in a bigger sense; Why do his or everyone elses interests, need or wants before mine? The most obvious answer here is money. He makes the money. I follow. But I  will admit to moments of resentment and frustration. What comes up mostly is the fact that once again I am not finishing something. Why cant I be first for once? Again...money. I get it. But that doenst stop the frustration inside me at times.

This house preparation has come at a cost and that cost is not going to school and taking classes and finishing my degree for the time being. There were times this winter when I was painting yet another wall I thought I would go crazy from boredom and rage.

Forgetting the rational for a moment, its not like I quit school or wimped out or whatever. There is a reason I didnt go to school this semester but in my moments of anxiety that is not what I see. I see a woman who NEVER follows through. 

And I quote:

2. Adult children of alcoholics have difficulty following a project through from beginning to end.  In the home of an addict, daily living is frequently interrupted due to misbehavior or unpredictable actions of the addict. For example, the family may start playing a game, but then dad comes home and everyone must stop playing. Or maybe mom promised to help work on a school project, but then passes out and never follows through. When project completion and follow-through are not consistently modeled, it is a hard skill for the adult child of an alcoholic to learn.

Ya whatever. I never really related to this characteristic but it sure as hell relates to me. For me not finishing something means I am safe from judgement, criticism and blame of doing it wrong. I have worked particularly hard on overcoming this goal in the last decade by setting smaller goals on everything from housecleaning to getting an education to overcoming moments of anxiety. It works as long as I dont think big picture because then I just freak out.

And I feel guilty when I quit. So I feel like a quitter because there is a voice in me that says....oh sure you could have gone to school fulltime, painted 8 rooms, cleaned out 17yrs of living here, been a single mom and dealt with winter snowstorms etc.

Its not rational but that critical voice thinks I am superwoman. 

None of it makes sense. I know it when I think about it rationally that it doesnt make sense but I have a hard time escaping the immense sense of failing. AGAIN.

Because Bear is off working for working in the Amazon now I am missing my anchor, my reality, my life vest. There are times this winter I have missed that deeply.

And so thats where I have been ....coping with change. Looking forward and not thinking too much as it leads to places where the Jabberwock and Bandersnatch live.

[nevver]

Schopenhauer

[itwillbeokaymydear]

this is why i have trust issues

[ifatonceyoudontsucceed]

Do they have a Hallmark Card for this?

So as I mentioned in my previous post  I am in an ongoing estrangement with my family. Namely I have asked my mom to give me some space to sort things out. However tomorrow is her birthday and contrary to how this all may appear to her or anyone else I dont hate her and I dont wish to give her the silent treatment.

To contact her or not? To send a card or email? I just dont know. Originally I just wasnt going to do anything because I am afraid in doing so she will think its all forgiven and start contacting me again. Sending a card means going to buy one, and then figuring out what to say ( Happy birthday! oh by the way please still dont call me?) And really is it possible to find a card that really works in this situation? I mean I am not going to send one that is all goopy. I am not feeling very deeply loving. I dont want to send some generic blank card and  saying "Happy birthday love me" seems  rather bitchy and cold. I mean it is my mom it seems I should SAY something a bit more than that! I dont want to send some silly cute one that ignores the reality of the situation.  In fact sending one at all feels like I am feeling guilty.

So I opted for an email. Which may seem impersonal and dry but its about the best I can do given my emotional state over our relationship. The thing is my husband shot the idea down even before he read the email. To him email is too impersonal and email can always get one in trouble.

So it sits in my drafts file and here I am turning to my blog. Thoughts?

[ifatonceyoudontsucceed]

its strange I'm estranged

I never thought it would be me. Nor that it would happen in this family but here I am estranged from it. What the hell kind of word is estranged???

Anyway...suffice to say no one is talking to me for the time being which allows me to luxury of working on Step 4  and not dealing with all the other shit.

But really...this is where my illusion really still sticks to me. I just cant wrap my head around the whole idea of this is where I am at. it just doesnt seem real. How did this happen?

As I worked my way through fear ( Blueprint for Progress) I came to a couple of sets of odd realizations.

1, one of my deepest fears is being wrong. That all my work here is just histrionics and drama and I am crazy. But my other deepest fear I is that I am right. And my last deepest fear is that I WANT to be wrong. 

How fucked up is that? Well let me explain. I want to be wrong on some level because being wrong means that somehow its still mendable this whole estrangement and rift. But if I am right than its distinctly possible that it might not ever be mendable and that breaks my heart.

Another set of fears goes like this: I am afraid I will never reconcile with my brother and also I am afraid I will never want to reconcile with him.

 Seeing these on paper and really feeling into them was quite astonishing and I dont have any good answers at the moment.

What a long estranged trip its been. 

[blackandwhitewolf-deactivated20]

[ifatonceyoudontsucceed]

Inventory.....Step 4