Doing art does not get dinner cooked
I came across this sentiment this morning. It struck me as ironic as ACOA we ( I?) tend to avoid what makes me happy. I actually "punish" myself by avoiding what makes me happy. There are so many things I know make me happy and yet I avoid them. I LOVE yoga. Love it. Havent done it in years. I love collage and typography and art. WHile I collect stuff to do it....I avoid creating things a LOT. Completely intimidated by the process.
As an ACOA I was told what to think do and believe my entire childhood. And as a young adult I looked to my husband and ultimately myself to impose the 'rules' on myself. Rules keep the chaos at bay and keep me focused and also impose so many rules its stifling.
One of those rules was being serious. I am so serious. Everyone says so.I somehow lost my sense of humor along the way and have been working on finding it again.
But even more sadly is that I find it really really difficult to know what fun is. My traditional fun in the past was crossword puzzles. ( ok I am not trying to win Ms Entertainer of the year here) Filling out the "what do you do for fun?" section on Match.com website was painful for me.
But this is different To "allow" myself to do something that makes me "happy," is all about me.
What makes me happy? So Do it already! Easier said than done.
So WHY do I go so far to avoid it? There are a lot of "shoulds" in my life and one of them is: I should do all my chores, errands, to-do's etc before I can go make myself happy. The problem with this routine is that there are so many things to do that its the end of the day before I finish them. Then it is too late because I am go to bed. Doing something that makes me happy feels very selfish. If I am taking care of myself I am not taking care of my family, my house or whatever. And thats bad.
I am sitting here with 4 books on collage/ mixed media determined to do something that makes me happy today. And yet I am also looking at the list of to-do's and there are things on it that really need to be done.
So what do I do? Scan Facebook...read the news, snack and do household chores. I never get to the happy part. The fun part. Oh I divert myself, I procrastinate but I am not doing something that makes me happy. Its just avoidance.
I have a room full of craft stuff and I rarely get to it. The strictures I was raised with hold me. Though now I recognize them one of them is "I am not an artist." Art is for people with talent and you, my dear, dont have talent so its a waste of time to do anything. WHo will see it? Who will appreciate it? No one, so whats the fucking point. Go to a museum and see real art.
There is guilt involved as well. My job is mom, wife, and all that implies. Cook, pay bills, clean, shop, vet, doctors, laundry. The list is never ending.
Doing art does not get dinner cooked.
This is an ongoing struggle for me. There are other strings with it, negative voices, shoulds, rules, expectations etc.
So I suppose the thought to ponder is....does avoidance make me happy? Procrastinating my life away in order to avoid feeling? being ?
I have concluded in the past that I am a drama addict. I cant help but miss that part of my experience. Triangulating and all that. I hate it but its...addictive. So am I addicted to avoidance of happiness too? Or is it just the guilt and criticism that stops me? I mean I dont like being like this but as Bear has said I still have stock in it or I would let it go.
I think following the "rules" makes me a "good girl, good wife, good mom." I have to be good. Because if I am not....then I am bad. And bad is bad. I thinkI feel I AM bad so I have to do good things all the time to cover up the badness. Oy vey.
I hate myself because of it which ever the case. I hate that I dont follow through or finish....or hell, even start!
My goal today is to learn to transfer images. I just need to do it ( and avoid the fact the bathroom is nasty, and the cat litter needs changing and the dog fur everywhere and whatever else is starting me in the face.)
Isnt it ironic while I dont find cleaning exciting I find it less intimidating than playing with craft stuff and learning new techniques. I actually feel intimidated and anxious right now at the thought of going to do some sort of crafty thing.