Getting the "Meh" of Most Worlds

[ihopesheseesthisbro]

I'm perpetually overwhelmed by regret, by the anxiety of knowing how much I have missed and will miss. The pain of remembering how often happiness seemed like it was in arm's reach.

[ihopesheseesthisbro]

It is so incredibly painful to feel cut out of her life as if I was a cancer. And every time I thought to write about it online, I pause and decide against it because people on the Internet are so judgemental and cruel. I felt like I would want to explore every crevice of our dynamic together in order to tell as full a story as I could, but it hurts to even reflect on all the red flags I ignored and all the mistakes I made.

But I've been sick and in all my sleeps I've been dreaming of her. Of her opening the doors of communication after blocking me. And then I awake near tears, thinking maybe I should try sending an email before listening to my better or embittered angels who tell me it wouldn't change a thing. I miss the days when fights would lead to us better understanding each other. To us seeing each other as human beings, through a lens of kindness. Now there is only silence, of a specific flavor that we promised we would not create, even if we decided to go our separate ways. In 34 years of life, I cannot say I have never been shattered before, but the decimation of my heart, of my self-worth, of my desire to rise from the ashes feels so complete right now that I almost wonder if anything in my life outside of the hopelessness that envelops me was ever real.

[hjarta-deactivated20260124]

i’m watching an ocean vuong video right now and he just said “language is real. the power of it is that it gets deeper than any human touch. if i were to touch you right now, i would only get to your skin. but when i speak to you, i’m all the way through”

[ihopesheseesthisbro]

I'm always too fucking late. So far below average after deluding myself that there is a single exceptional thing about me. Behind the curve and even when I have an inspired idea, I cannot get it to the masses before I see a TikTok influencer already sharing it in a more artistic and catchy way than I can imagine. My brain is on fire and my soul is the withering wick of a candle.

[ihopesheseesthisbro]

What if Pereira unironically becomes a weeb? Like an undercover FBI agent who ends up embracing Islam at the mosque he infiltrated.

[ihopesheseesthisbro]

I struggle to be consistently kind to myself. This isn't some sort of capitalist humblebrag where I'm always striving to be my best, most productive self and don't take enough vacations because I'm sooo productive. I'm frequently unmotivated and textbook example of ADHD, albeit relatively high functioning within my little bubble.

I'm always disappointed that I'm not achieving what others believe I'm capable of, or (thanks to social media), what others I deem less capable than myself have achieved. I was not a "gifted kid" in the chronically online description of the term, but I have always been aware that I have a way with words and a thirst for depth that cause people much more financially successful and/or educated than me to proclaim that I'm "really smart."

I'll readily admit to the narcissism and main character syndrome that you might infer from my jealous judgments of other people's successes. How convenient it must be to be an armchair intellect who's never seen a sliver of success talking down on those who are thriving while I contemplate unaliving. The irony (and the agony)!

But ultimately, I don't say this to hone in on the bitter envy I feel. Rather, it is actually motivating to me that someone can be an actual human with huge intellectual blind spots, not an Aaron Sorkin or David Fincher movie character, and still live an impressive life by being really dedicated and confident about a small subset of skills.

I haven't yet forged the path that will lead me to my biggest wins. The bumps in the road feel like insurmountable mountains sometimes. But I'm made of tougher stuff and I'll find my way. God, I hope I find my way.

[ihopesheseesthisbro]

Last one for tonight.

[ihopesheseesthisbro]

Cleaning out my phone is bringing me lots of laughs.

[ihopesheseesthisbro]

[ihopesheseesthisbro]

I've since tried to minimize being self-effacing but this is still hilarious and relatable.

[ihopesheseesthisbro]

Man, my meme/tweet compendium was powerful before my mental health got destroyed by the pandemic.

[latibule-e-deactivated20231012]

— Virginia Woolf, from “Carlyle’s House and Other Sketches.”

[ihopesheseesthisbro]

Must be nice to not be suicidal, misanthropic, and alone as you look back at 2022 and "look forward" to 2023

Maybe someday I won't always feel like I have to scratch and claw for the mere promise of satisfaction. If I were a betting man, I wouldn't bet on it though.

[ihopesheseesthisbro]

"If a tree falls down in a forest and there's no one around to hear it, does it make a sound?"

I know what I have to offer. I'm witty, I'm kind, I'm a nuanced thinker. I have a huge heart. I'm a giver. I have an extensive vocabulary and an eclectic musical palate. I have an old soul and a youthful exuberance. I express myself authentically. I leave people better than I found them.

But if no one appreciates me for me, what does it fucking matter? If there's no one receive what I have to give, what's it gonna matter when this mortal shell expires? No one cares about your truths. It's all about what you can sell.

[ihopesheseesthisbro]

I don't know if there's a worse pain than loneliness. Having no one to revel in the little victories or commiserate in the disappointments of life with you. If you try and speak up about this pain on the internet, you get a bunch of people searching your post history to tell you why you deserve it. Well, the people who actually know me in real life tell me I deserve good things. The one thing they have in common with the internet is none of them can give me what I crave.

[ihopesheseesthisbro]

That's what makes it so excruciating to be alone.

[sadallthedamntime-blog]