For the first time in months, I'm scared. I'm scared because I'm finally realizing that I've been living in blindness and denial to my own depression. It's hard to admit it, but there's really no other explanation. I owe it to Dan's tumblr post that helped me to realize this and for telling me that I am not at fault.
Since school began, I've been feeling tired all the time, disinterested, introverted, unmotivated, and I've even started to doubt my own future. And that scares me because I know as a Christian, I should feel secure in knowing that God holds my life. But honestly, that statement, though I know it to be true, has meant nothing more to me than a stranger saying "Hello". The thought of having to see people from church on the weekends terrifies me; it gives me anxiety to the point where I can't even hold back the tears. This is not who I am. I am cheerful joyful, loving, and thankful. But this year, I've been angry, joyless, and apathetic to any effort of anyone trying to getting close to me or demanding things of me. I thought there was something wrong me but I was too afraid to look into it because I was scared that the people closest to me would be turned off and leave me.
The fact that I've left basically/almost every type of community that I was once plugged into last year should have been the clue. The fact that five minutes ago, I was trying to find a community of people that I trusted to ask for prayer for me but failed to do so, leading me here is a definite sign that I've lost all sense of community. I'm terrified because I've lost joy and it hurts me to see that my own state is and will further be affecting the one person who has been here for me through it all. I can't rely on him alone and I know it.
That's why I feel like I'm even at a greater urgency to find an answer.
Since this semester began, I've been telling myself that it's the amount of work that I have that is the reason behind all this weariness and stress. I've never taken 19 credits in one semester before. But to be honest, I'm not that overwhelmed by the workload. Yeah, my schedule is packed each week but there's something satisfying about staying busy that gives me a small sense of peace because I know that that means I have less people to encounter with. How sad is that.
This year, church has been a huge struggle for me. The size, the new faces, the old faces, the fear of judgment, the pressure. I don't know, but it's not a place where I can go and feel safe anymore. I feel so overwhelmed by the people that I can't even hear God or feel his presence anymore on Sunday mornings. I feel like I have to hide my true self because I know people will look at me and think that I am overly sensitive or way too dramatic, which honestly, has what the satan has been telling me over and over again these past weeks.
It's that voice and that statement that keeps me from sharing my true feelings, keeps me from being vulnerable to anybody besides Christian.
This voice that tells me that everyone has their own issues. You're being overly dramatic and way too sensitive. I'm starting to believe it.
Flag football is this weekend and I can already feel trembling in my bones, not because of the pressure of the tournament, but because it means I have to act okay throughout a very long day filled with too many people. Yelling. Whistle blowing. I can already feel the exhaustion.
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