I really really need your help, please.
I keep falling to be the same person. Everything is bad.
I hate how I treat people, i tried changing several times but I keep falling.
I hate the constant need to feel validated. I started doing some hobbies to enhance my self esteem, but when performing these, I am like “are they looking? They are probably laughing at me” and I turn these thoughts away with “they are no one to me, I don’t need their opinion…” but I keep failing again. It’s so hard.
Excuse the following length of my reply, as I feel passionately about this because I understand exactly what this is like. Something in your life is causing you to ruminate more than usual.
Rumination, also called repetitive negative thinking, is a thought pattern that involves repeatedly and passively focusing on the causes, consequences, and meaning of negative feelings and circumstances.
Humans are natural problem solvers, but sometimes in that we look for solutions to confirm our biases. This is where ruminative thinking begins. This is where dissonance begins. I learned in therapy and my own studies in social cognition that repetitive negative patterns are often created in our childhood out of survival, not a lack of character.
This is why it's helpful to ask:
Why am I having these thoughts?
How do I avoid this, and what is going on currently to create this thought process?
You are correct in saying that hobbies will distract from ruminating and compulsively overthinking. However, your constant judgment regarding these positive coping mechanisms will do more harm than good.
You are also correct in identifying how you treat others. It's time to ask yourself why you are so critical of yourself and others. It is also time to accept that, yes, someone else's opinion is their own and you can't control that. It is also time to ask if you project onto others because of your own self criticism or fragile ego.
Remember: Multiple things can be true at once, it's not so black or white that you are automatically an irredeemable person who can't be better. Dust yourself off and try again lol.
Your candor to admit you are falling short and wish to do better is already a sign of improvement. If you're able to admit this to me, an objective stranger, then you are already starting the process.
Try focusing on what you can control. You can only control your self concept. Sometimes, people have to be in the background... (exception: close friends and family *who are healthy in themselves* holding you accountable!)
I highly recommend identifying your triggers, and if this type of introspection proves to be more challenging than you anticipated, therapy is a solution if you have the resources. I also highly recommend journaling, as studies have proved it reduces repetitive thinking because it helps you see your thought process.
Thank you for sharing this with me. I hope this helps, and I'm rooting for you! ❤️
Berman MG, Peltier S, Nee DE, Kross E, Deldin PJ, Jonides J. Depression, rumination and the default network. Soc Cogn Affect Neurosci. 2011;6(5):548–555.
Harrington, J. A., & Blankenship, V. (2002). Ruminative thoughts and their relation to depression and anxiety 1. Journal of Applied Social Psychology, 32(3), 465-485.
LaClaire, A. (2008). The influence of journaling on the reduction of physical symptoms, health problems, and anxiety in women (Doctoral dissertation, Adler School of Professional Psychology).
8 Self Defeating Thoughts that Wreak Havoc
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Answer on Rumors & Interpersonal Issues
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