Summary: You save Joel's life from raiders but instead of thanking you, he gets mad at you.
or
You get hurt and you are forced to be vulnerable with each other.
wc: 7k
warnings: age gap, established relationship, angst, fluff, miscommunication, insecurities, mentions of blood, and fluff
a/n: i'm slowly coming back to this with this baby here that was on my drafts. Reblogs and comments are always appreciated 💌
The forest was too quiet for your liking. No birds, no wind—Just the soft crunch of the snowy ground beneath your feet as you followed Joel who was ahead of you and Ellie. There was something in the air this day, eerie silence pressing on your chest, tension, and Joel had been on edge all day, his broad shoulder seemed tense under his jacker, his grip on the rifle tighter than usual.
It felt like the premonition of something bad coming on your way. So, you kept your knife close and your gun pressed under your hand.
“We’ll set up camp soon,” Joel muttered, his voice low without looking behind to you and Ellie.
Ellie groaned. “Finally. My feet feel like they’re gonna fall soon.”
You gave her a tired smile at her remark, but your eyes stayed on Joel. His jaw was tight, the scar above his brow crinkling deeper. You knew him well enough to read the signs—he was worried. More than usual.
That’s why you didn’t even hear them coming.
One second, you were walking behind Joel, and the next, chaos broke out. Shouts echoed through the trees. Five, maybe six men, all armed came out from nowhere. Joel shoved you and Ellie behind an overturned log.
“Stay down,” he growled, pressing his rifle into your hands. “If anyone gets close, you shoot. Don’t move unless I say so.”
“Joel—”
“Stay.”
You swallowed your fear and nodded, grabbing Ellie and pulling her down. Joel stepped out, drawing their attention, firing a shot that took one of the men down, then another and so on.
But the rest came fast. Through the cracks in the log, you watched Joel fight. He moved like a man who’d done this too many times, but even then, it was too much. One of the raiders tackled him, and suddenly, Joel was on the ground, with one of those men’s hands wrapped around his throat, squeezing hard.
the man’s hands wrapped around his throat, squeezing hard.
“Shit,” you whispered, your heart pounding so hard you could barely hear Ellie’s panicked breathing next to you.
Joel clawed at the man’s wrists, his face turning red, veins bulging in his neck. He wasn’t going to get out of it and you couldn’t just sit there watching the man you loved die in front of you.
“Stay here,” you told Ellie, voice shaking from rage.
“Wait…what are you doing?!” she whispered.
Your body moved before your mind could argue. You were already running before Ellie could have the chance to stop you.
You tackled the man strangling Joel, knocking him off balance, but before you could finish him, another set of hands grabbed you from behind. You struggled, kicking and clawing, managing to land a sharp elbow into the man’s ribs before twisting free. The first man lunged again, but you dodged, feeling the burn of a knife slicing across your cheek. The pain barely registered as you drove your own blade into the man’s neck, then turned and plunged it into the second attacker’s chest before he could recover. Warm blood splattered your hands as the man crumpled, gasping his last breath.
You stood there, panting, adrenaline rushing through your veins.
Joel coughed violently, rolling onto his side, his face pale and drenched in sweat. You dropped to your knees beside him, your hands hovering uselessly. “Joel? Hey—hey, are you okay?”
He didn’t answer right away, still gasping for air. When he finally sat up, his brown eyes locked onto yours—not with gratitude, but with pure, burning rage.
“The fuck were you thinking?” he rasped, voice raw.
You blinked, the adrenaline still rushing through you. “I—I had to. He was going to—”
“You didn’t listen to me!” Joel slammed his fist into the dirt, his whole-body trembling with anger. “I told you to stay hidden! What if he’d killed you?!”
“Well, he didn’t” you stated, “I saved your life!”
“And you risked yours doing it!”
His voice echoed through the trees, sharp and unforgiving. You felt your chest tighten, heat rising in your throat.
“I’m not some helpless girl you can just shove behind a log, Joel! I did what I had to!”
Joel stood up, wiping the blood from his hands. His jaw clenched, but he didn’t say anything else. The space between you felt impossibly wide.
He ran a hand over his face, stepping back like he couldn’t even look at you. "You put yourself in danger. You could’ve been killed. Do you even get that?"
"I get that I just saved your ass!" You shot back, the weight of the moment crashing over you. "And all you can do is yell at me?"
He exhaled sharply, his hands curling into fists before he turned away. "I ain't doin' this."
"Fine," you bit out.
The air between you felt thick, suffocating. You glanced at Ellie, who stood off to the side, arms crossed, her expression tense.
You lifted a hand to your cheek, your fingers coming away sticky with blood. The cut burned now that the adrenaline was wearing off, and you sucked in a sharp breath. Ellie’s eyes flicked to the wound, concern flashing across her face, but she didn’t say anything. Joel still wasn’t looking at you, his back rigid as he adjusted his pack.
"We should get moving," he muttered, voice low and strained.
You nodded, swallowing down the ache in your throat. Without another word, the three of you fell into step, the silence stretching between you like an open wound
That night, you found a small clearing tucked between dense trees, far enough from the road to feel safe. The cold had settled deep, and you pulled your jacket tighter around yourself as you sat near the weak glow of the fire. Joel had barely spoken a word since the fight, his focus set on keeping watch, his back to you.
You weren’t hurt by his words or the outburst he had, but by the idea of him willingly die and feeling at peace with it. How easy would be for him to left you behind and in your own.
You dismissed your thoughts as you dug through your pack for a rag, pressing it against the wound on your cheek. The sting made you wince, and you cursed under your breath.
A quiet shuffling caught your attention, and you looked up to see Ellie kneeling beside you, her brows furrowed.
"Here," she said, pulling a small bottle of alcohol from her pocket. "Let me help."
You hesitated for a moment, then gave her a small nod. She dampened the cloth with the antiseptic and reached for your face. The touch was gentle, but the sting made you hiss.
"Sorry," Ellie murmured, concentrating as she cleaned the cut. "You’re lucky it’s not deeper."
You let out a small chuckle, though there wasn’t much humor in it. "Lucky isn’t exactly how I’d describe this day.”
Ellie huffed, finishing up before pulling a bandage from her pack. "Well, you’re not dead, so that counts for something."
You smiled faintly, glancing toward Joel. He still hadn’t turned around. You sighed, looking back at Ellie. "Thanks, kid."
She just shrugged, but there was warmth in her eyes. "Anytime."
As the fire crackled softly between you, you finally felt a small sense of comfort—at least, from Ellie. Joel, on the other hand, was still a storm brewing on the other side of camp.
Joel sat a few feet away, his gaze drifting to you as he kept watch. He noticed the way you shivered, your arms wrapped tightly around yourself, but still, you slept. He hesitated, jaw tightening as he debated with himself. Then, with a quiet sigh, he shrugged off his jacket and carefully draped it over you.
You stirred slightly at the added warmth, a small, unconscious sigh escaping your lips, but you didn’t wake. Joel lingered for a moment, watching you, before settling back down next to you as if he needed to remind himself you were still here.
The fire in your camp had burned down to glowing embers, the scent of smoke mixing with the cool morning air. Joel sat near it, his hands wrapped around his termo, sipping coffee our from it, his eyes occasionally flicking over to where you slept.
Your back was to him, your body curled slightly, the jacket pulled high over your shoulder. The cut ran along your cheekbone from the fight the day before—a fight that left you and Joel in a tense, suffocating silence. Reminding him how you always put yourself in danger for him.
He hated himself for it. How he had came to the point where he felt useless.
Now, in the morning light, you looked peaceful despite the frown that creased your forehead. Joel knew that look. He knew you too well.
Ellie stirred next to him, stretching before getting to her feet. She glanced at you, then back at Joel. “Should I wake her up?” she asked, rubbing her tired eyes.
Joel shook his head. “Not yet.”
Ellie raised a brow. “Why?”
Joel sighed, glancing at you again before taking another sip of coffee. “She’s got a frown.”
Ellie blinked. “Yeah, ‘cause she’s mad at you. Even in her sleep.”
Joel exhaled sharply through his nose, but there wasn’t much fight in it. “No. It’s different. She gets that when she gets a migraine.” He ran a hand over his beard, glancing at you again. “Let her sleep a little longer.”
Joel didn’t answer right away. Instead, he took another slow sip of coffee, staring into the fire. “Yeah,” he admitted quietly. “When it comes to her of course I do.”
Ellie sighed, dropping back down onto the log next to him. “So… you gonna fix this or what?”
Joel tensed, setting his cup down beside him. “She doesn’t wanna talk to me.”
“Yeah, because you yelled at her.” She reminded him.
Joel rubbed a hand down his face. “She shouldn’t have done what she did.”
“She saved your ass, Joel.”
Joel’s jaw clenched. “That ain’t the point.”
Ellie scoffed, shaking her head. “Yeah, it kinda is. She did what you would’ve done for her.”
Joel was silent, his gaze dropping to the ground.
“Do you think she would be fine if you were dead?” she pressed on, sighing.
Instead of answer, Joel reached for his bag, unbuckling the strap. He knew exactly where to look, tucked inside one of the side pockets were the pills he always carried for you, just in case.
Ellie, who had been watching with quiet curiosity, tilted her head. “Wait… you carry her pills?”
Joel didn’t look up as he pulled out the small bottle, checking how many were left. “Yeah.” His voice was gruff, like he didn’t think it was something worth mentioning.
Ellie crossed her arms. “Huh.”
Joel finally glanced at her. “What?”
Ellie smirked. “Nothin’. Just—you act all tough, but you’re, like, secretly the softest person ever for her.”
Joel rolled his eyes, muttering, “Keep it to yourself, kid,” as he moved toward you.
You stirred slightly as he knelt beside you, brushing your hair back from your face with a careful hand. The sight of the cut on your cheek made his stomach twist again, but he pushed the feeling down. He had already failed to keep you from getting hurt once, he wouldn’t fail you now.
Gently, he set the bottle of pills down next to you, along with a canteen of water. He knew you still weren’t talking to him, but that didn’t mean he was going to stop taking care of you.
As he sat back, Ellie watched him with something unreadable in her expression. “Still mad, huh?”
Joel sighed, rubbing his thumb over the strap of your bag.
Ellie nodded. “Well… you’re doin’ the right thing, at least.”
Joel wasn’t sure about that. But as he sat there, keeping watch while you slept, he figured it was all he could do for now.
The first thing you noticed when you woke up was the dull ache in your head. The second was the soft sound of the fire crackling nearby. You blinked against the morning light, your body still heavy with exhaustion.
And then you saw the canteen and the small bottle of pills sitting beside you. You didn’t have to ask who put them there.
Your gaze flickered to Joel, who sat a few feet away, his back turned slightly toward you. He was sharpening his knife, the rhythmic scrape of metal against stone filling the quiet space. Ellie sat across from him, kicking at the dirt with her boot, sneaking glances at you like she was waiting to see what you’d do.
You swallowed, your throat dry. Carefully, you pushed yourself up, wincing as your muscles protested. Your fingers brushed against the bottle of pills, and you hesitated before finally picking it up.
Joel’s voice came before you could say anything. “Drink some water with that.”
It was quiet. Gruff. Like he wasn’t sure where the two of you stood after yesterday.
You pressed your lips together, debating whether to respond, but you didn’t have the energy to fight again. Instead, you obeyed, twisting the cap off and dry-swallowing the pill before chasing it with a sip of water.
Joel didn’t look at you, but you saw his shoulders drop just a little.
Ellie, of course, didn’t stay quiet for long. “Sooo… does this mean you guys are done being mad at each other?
You shot her a look. “Ellie.”
“What? I’m just saying’—”
Joel cut in; his voice flat. “Eat your breakfast.”
Ellie huffed but dropped it, tearing off a piece of jerky with her teeth.
You sighed, rubbing your temples before stealing a glance at Joel. His eyes were still fixed on his knife, but you could see the tension in his jaw, the way his fingers gripped the handle a little too tightly.
He was waiting. For you to say something. For you to forgive him.
You sighed, pressing your fingers against your temples in a weak attempt to ease the pressure in your skull. It wasn’t working. Nothing ever really worked, except for him.
Joel had a way of grounding you when the pain got bad. He didn’t always have the right words, but he never needed them. He had his own way of taking care of you, of letting you know he was there. And right now, all you wanted was for him to kiss your temples the way he used to.
The way he always did when you were hurting.
But things weren’t the same. You had fought, you had pulled away, and he had let you. And now, even though he was right there, he felt miles away.
You swallowed hard and shut your eyes, trying to push down the disappointment twisting in your chest. It was stupid to want that from him right now. After everything, you shouldn’t need him like that.
Except you did.
Joel shifted, and you felt him move closer, his presence clear even before he spoke. “Did you take the pills?”
You nodded. “Yeah.”
There was a long silence, and then, so softly you almost missed it— “Still hurts?”
You hesitated. Your pride screamed at you to say no. To brush him off and keep that last little bit of distance between you. But you were tired.
“Yeah,” you admitted.
Joel exhaled slowly. And then, finally, finally, you felt his fingers brush against your jaw, tilting your head just enough so he could lean in.
His lips pressed against your temple, warm and steady, lingering for just a second longer than they needed to.
You closed your eyes, breathing him in.
“Get ready, we have to go now” he spoke, still closer to your face.
You nodded, your throat tightening at the sudden shift back to reality. The moment was brief, fleeting, just like every soft thing between you and Joel seemed to be.
He pulled away first, his hand dropping from your face like he hadn’t just touched you like you meant something to him. Like he hadn’t just kissed you the way he always used to when you were hurting.
You cleared your throat, pushing yourself up slightly, ignoring the dull ache in your chest "Yeah, okay," you muttered, rubbing at your face as if you could wipe away the lingering warmth of his touch.
Joel stood up, already shifting back into that closed-off version of himself, the one that had been there ever since your fight. The one that didn’t know how to bridge the gap now.
Ellie walked in just as you were attempting to stand, her eyes flicking between the two of you. "You guys look weird," she said, frowning. "Like... extra weird."
Joel sighed, rubbing a hand over his face. "Not now, Ellie."
She just smirked, clearly entertained by whatever tension was hanging in the air. "Whatever you say, lovebirds."
You rolled your eyes, reaching for your bag to distract yourself. Your fingers trembled slightly as you adjusted the straps, but you pretended not to notice. Joel pretended too, but you could feel his gaze lingering on you, watching you too closely like he always did.
The road stretched ahead, cracked and broken, nature reclaiming what once belonged to people. You walked in silence, the weight of the morning still pressing against your chest. Your head ached, but you bit down on the pain, refusing to let it slow you down.
Joel was beside you, his steps steady, his presence solid as ever. But something about him felt distant. He was looking at you, you could feel his gaze flickering toward you every few moments, but it wasn’t the same. Not like before.
Before, his eyes had been filled with something warm, something certain. But now? Now, it felt like he was watching you from behind a wall, like he was making sure you were still there but refusing to let himself feel anything about it.
Ellie, for once, was quiet, kicking a stray rock as she walked ahead, letting the tension settle between the two of you.
Joel’s outburst had been raw, desperate, his voice breaking, his hands gripping yours like he could tether you to him. But now, you saw it for what it was. Fear. Not just of losing you. But of what it meant if he didn’t.
Because Joel didn’t think he deserved to have you. He thought he wasn’t enough, that he never had been. And maybe… maybe he never would be.
You swallowed hard, your fingers tightening around the strap of your bag. "You don’t have to keep looking at me like that," you muttered, not even turning your head.
Joel tensed beside you. "Like what?"
"Like you're waiting for me to cry to let you in and forgive you shout at me.”
His jaw ticked, and for a moment, you thought he wouldn’t say anything at all. But then—
"I am not," he said, voice rough. A lie.
You stopped walking. Finally, you turned to face him. "Then what is it?" you asked, your voice softer than you meant for it to be. "Because you had been like this for week, something's been different and yesterday you just broke."
Joel exhaled slowly, looking away, his hands on his hips, his fingers flexing. "Nothing’s different."
You huffed out a bitter laugh, shaking your head. "Bullshit."
Ellie stopped a few steps ahead, glancing between the two of you like she wanted to intervene but thought better of it.
Joel shifted uncomfortably, his shoulders stiff, his mouth opening—then closing again. He had no answer. No real one, anyway.
Because the truth was, it had never been about you. It had always been about him. About the way he would rather push you away than let himself believe, even for a second, that he was allowed to keep you. That you would want to stay.
That you would choose him. But you were tired of being the only one fighting for this.
So, you just nodded, setting your jaw. "Alright," you murmured, turning back toward the road, ignoring the way your chest ached. "If nothing’s different, then let’s just keep moving."
He Heard the way your voice broke at the end and he just watched as you joined Ellie.
Joel stood there, hands tightening into fists at his sides as he watched you walk away. He’d done this—again.
He had Hurt you.
He told himself it was for the best, that it was the only way to keep you safe. But that excuse was starting to sound as hollow as he felt.
Ellie shot him a glance, her expression unreadable before she turned her attention back to you. She said something low under her breath, nudging your shoulder. You didn’t look back.
And Joel? Joel just stood there, rooted in place, watching the one thing he was most afraid of slip through his fingers.
Because, deep down, he knew. It wasn’t the world that would take you from him. It was him. It was a matter of time.
A few hours later, when cold still found its way deep down your bones. You followed Joel and Ellie into the old market, the air inside thick with dust and the remnants of a world long gone. The faded signs above the shop windows once advertised fruits and vegetables, but now they were nothing more than silent witnesses to the decay around them.
Joel stepped into the shadows first, scanning the area with ease. His hand never strayed far from the rifle slung across his back. He wasn’t just looking for supplies—he was looking for danger, as always, he was ready to find it. You watched him move with that quiet confidence that made him seem invincible, even though you knew better. The way he held himself, as if the weight of the world was constantly on his shoulders.
He disappeared behind a corner, moving into the heart of the market.
Ellie, always ready for adventure, shifted impatiently next to you. “Think it’s safe?” she whispered, her voice barely audible in the stillness of the market.
You didn’t answer right away, your eyes fixed on the place where Joel had vanished. You could feel the tension coiling between the two of you, that invisible thread that had been growing tighter over the last few hours. But now wasn’t the time to dwell on it.
“He’ll let us know when it’s safe,” you said quietly, not taking your eyes away from him.
Ellie raised an eyebrow, clearly not fully convinced. “Yeah, but what if-”
You cut her off with a shake of your head. “He’s careful. He’ll check everything first.”
She didn’t seem entirely satisfied with the answer, but she stayed quiet. You both waited in silence, the only sounds the distant hum of the wind and the occasional creak of the building settling.
Then, Joel’s voice echoed from ahead. “Clear,” he called out as he reappeared from behind a row of shelves, his gaze briefly flicking over you before he turned to lead the way deeper into the market. His expression was unreadable, but you could sense the wariness beneath it.
His fingers found their way to your shoulders, his touch was brief, just the slightest brush of his fingers against your jacket. A silent reassurance. Or maybe a habit he couldn't break.
You didn’t react, didn’t turn to look at him. Instead, you focused on scanning the shelves, looking for anything useful. Cans, medical supplies.
Ellie was already rummaging through a shelf, muttering under her breath about how people really liked canned beans before the world went to hell. Joel moved ahead, his rifle held tight as he checked the corners, ever cautious.
You bent down, shifting through a pile of toppled boxes, when Joel’s voice came from behind you. “You good?”
It was automatic, the way he asked. Like even when he was keeping his distance, he still couldn’t help but care.
You hesitated, keeping your back to him. “Yeah.”
Another pause. Then a quiet, “Alright.”
But it wasn’t alright.
Not the way his voice sounded. Not the way your chest ached every time he was close but not close enough. And definitely not the way his fingers had lingered just a second too long on your shoulder, as if he didn’t want to let go.
Joel was already moving toward another section of the market, scanning the rows of empty shelves, searching for anything of value. Ellie had drifted further ahead, already rummaging through a crate she found. You stayed close to the wall, the building’s dilapidated structure making you nervous, but you tried not to let the unease show. You knew Joel was doing his best to keep everyone safe, but the weight of everything—of what you had lost, of what you were still fighting for—was starting to catch up with you.
You took a few more steps, carefully picking your way over the cracked floor, when suddenly, the ground beneath you gave way with a sharp, unsettling creak. Before you could react, your foot twisted, the bone snapping like a twig under the weight of the fall.
A sharp, searing pain shot through your ankle as you cried out, unable to stop yourself. The world spun for a moment as you collapsed, hands pressing to the ground to catch yourself, but the pain in your ankle was unbearable. You let out a sharp gasp, fighting the urge to cry out again as you felt something shift beneath the skin, your foot didn’t feel right.
"Shit," you muttered, trying to stay calm, but panic crept in with each breath. Your heart raced as you instinctively tried to pull yourself up, but your foot wouldn’t hold any weight. You couldn’t put it down.
Ellie’s voice broke through the fog of pain, distant but growing closer. “What happened?”
“Sweetheart?” Joel’s voice followed almost immediately. You could hear the panic lacing his tone, the urgency in his steps as he turned back toward you. You felt the weight of his presence before you saw him, his figure coming into view, moving fast.
He saw you on the ground, your face twisted in pain, and his heart dropped. "Damn it," he muttered under his breath, kneeling down beside you with a speed that surprised you. His hands were gentle, but you could hear the frustration in his voice as he assessed the damage. "What the hell happened?"
“I—I fell,” you stammered, gritting your teeth as you tried to hold back more of the pain. You couldn’t focus on anything other than your ankle, the way it throbbed, the way your body seemed to give way under the weight of it.
Joel’s face hardened, his jaw clenching as he reached down to carefully touch your injured ankle. “I’m gonna need you to stay still, alright?” His voice was calm, but there was a warning edge to it. He was trying to hold himself together, trying not to let his worry show, but you could see it in his eyes. His hands worked quickly, checking for anything more serious, his brow furrowed with concentration.
“Ellie, get over here,” Joel called out, his voice low and strained.
Ellie rushed back toward you, eyes wide with concern as she knelt beside you. “Shit, are you alright?”
“I’ll be fine,” you said through clenched teeth, trying to sound stronger than you felt. “It’s just my ankle.”
Joel’s gaze flicked between you and Ellie, his mind clearly racing. “We need to get you out of here, now.” His hand gripped your shoulder for a moment, his fingers digging into the fabric of your jacket as if grounding himself in that brief contact.
Ellie was already standing, her expression determined as she took a deep breath. “I’ll go grab what we need.”
Joel nodded, but his focus never left you. He reached down, his hands carefully lifting you as he positioned himself behind you. "I'm gonna carry you. It's gonna hurt a little, but I need you to hang on."
You bit back a hiss of pain as he adjusted his hold on you, making sure not to jostle your foot too much, but you couldn’t suppress the way your body tensed at the movement. The pain was still sharp, but there was something comforting in the way Joel’s arms secured around you.
“Joel…” you whispered, too exhausted to speak louder.
“I got you,” he muttered back, his voice almost a promise. "Just hang in there."
As he started to move, carrying you carefully toward a safer corner, you could feel your heart rate begin to slow, your pulse steadying slightly in the rhythm of his steps. But the ache in your ankle still lingered, a constant reminder of how fragile everything really was.
You closed your eyes for a moment, trying to block out the pain, trying to find some semblance of peace in the way Joel had his arms around you. Because no matter how mad you were, no matter how much you weren’t talking to him, Joel Miller was always going to take care of you.
Joel helped you settle into a quiet corner of the abandoned store, easing you down onto an old crate. He crouched in front of you, his hands steady as he pulled your boot off, careful not to jostle your ankle too much.
Ellie hovered for a second, glancing between the two of you, then rolled her eyes. “Alright, I’m gonna go check the other side of the store. Try not to kill each other while I’m gone.”
You didn’t respond. Joel didn’t either.
Once Ellie disappeared, Joel focused back on your ankle, pulling out a roll of bandages from his pack. He was quiet as he started wrapping, his fingers gentle but firm, pressing just enough to support your injury.
You watched him for a moment, then let out a quiet scoff. “You don’t have to pretend you care about this.”
Joel’s hands stilled. His jaw ticked. Slowly, his eyes lifted to meet yours.
“You think I’m pretending?” His voice was low, rough. Almost offended by the way your voice sounded saying those words.
You looked away, focusing on the peeling paint on the walls. “I don’t know what you’re doing, Joel. One second, you’re mad at me. The next, you’re acting like—like this.” You gestured vaguely at him. “Like it actually matters.”
Joel exhaled through his nose, sitting back on his heels. “It does matter.”
You let out a bitter laugh. “Does it? Because you sure as hell didn’t act like it when you were yelling at me.”
His hands curled into fists at his sides. “I was mad because you almost got yourself killed.”
“I was saving you.” You protested.
“I don’t need saving” He replied, rough as always.
Your eyes snapped back to his, anger flashing in them. “And I don’t need you acting like I don’t have a say in whether or not I protect you. You can’t just decide for me, Joel.”
Joel sighed, rubbing a hand down his face. He looked exhausted, like he was carrying too much weight on his shoulders. “You don’t get it,” he muttered. “I can’t—” He stopped himself, shaking his head.
You frowned, your voice softer now. “Can’t what?”
His gaze met yours again, something raw behind it. “I can’t lose you.”
The words hit you harder than you expected. For a moment, neither of you said anything. The only sound was the faint wind outside, the rustling of leaves.
You swallowed, your throat tight. “You think I want to lose you?”
Joel’s expression softened just a fraction. He sighed, reaching forward, his hand hesitating before resting gently on your knee.
Your breath caught. The fight, the tension, it was still there, but underneath it was something deeper. Something neither of you had the words for just yet.
“You are always so willing to die,” you sobbed, your voice breaking. “Like you’re just waiting for the exact moment. Like none of this matters to you. Like I don’t matter.”
Joel’s breath hitched. His grip on you tightened, grounding you, but he didn’t say anything.
You sniffed, shaking your head. “Do you even know what that does to me? How it makes me feel?”
He swallowed hard, his throat working around the words he wasn’t saying.
“You walk into danger like you’ve already made peace with dying,” you continued, your voice raw. “And maybe you have. Maybe you don’t care what happens to you, but I do, Joel. I care. And you make me watch you throw yourself into danger like it doesn’t matter if you make it out. Like you don’t care if I have to watch you—”
Your voice cut off as a sob wracked through you.
Joel let out a slow breath. Then, finally, he spoke. “I do care,” he said quietly. “More than you know.”
You let out a bitter laugh, swiping at your tears. “You sure don’t act like it.”
Joel’s jaw clenched. His gaze dropped for a moment before he forced himself to look at you. “I’m not waiting to die.”
You scoffed, looking away.
“I’m not” he insisted. His voice was rough, firm. “I just…I don’t know how to do this. How to—” He exhaled, rubbing a hand over his face before gripping the back of his neck. “I spent twenty years not giving a damn about whether I made it out of alive. And then you—” He stopped, shaking his head like he didn’t have the words.
You stared at him, waiting. His gaze met yours again, and for the first time in a long time, he looked vulnerable.
"Do you think I would survive without you?" You asked him.
"You're strong." he stated.
"That doesn't matter if the person I love and I protect throws himself to death" you said, tired of the cycle.
“I’m not trying to--” he started, but you cut him off.
“Yes, you are,” you snapped, your voice trembling. “You act like you don’t care what happens to you, but I do, Joel. I do. And I don’t know what’s worse—watching you run into danger without thinking or knowing that if you died, you’d probably think I’d just move on.”
His brows furrowed. “That ain’t—”
You swallowed, your fingers tightening around Joel’s wrist. “Do you love me, Joel?”
He didn’t answer right away. His jaw tensed, his throat bobbing as he swallowed. For a moment, you thought he wouldn’t say it—that maybe, after everything, he’d still hold back.
But then, his hand moved, cupping your face gently, his thumb brushing over the cut on your cheek. His touch was careful, reverent, like he was memorizing you.
“I do,” he murmured, voice rough with emotion. “More than I know how to say.”
Your breath stilled.
Joel exhaled, shaking his head slightly. “More than I ever meant to. More than I know what to do with.”
Your heart ached at the honesty in his voice.
“Then stop trying to leave me behind,” you whispered, pleading to him.
He looked at you with such intensity, as if he was trying to see past the pain and fear, trying to understand something that had always eluded him.
“How do you even love someone like me?” Joel’s voice cracked slightly, the question laced with vulnerability, a side of him you rarely saw—something raw and unprotected.
Your heart hurt at the sound of it. You wanted to reach out and erase the doubt from his mind, to tell him that he didn’t have to question it. But instead, you just looked at him, letting the silence linger for a moment, trying to gather the right words to answer him.
“Joel,” you whispered, your voice soft but firm, “I love you because you’re you. Because through all the broken pieces, all the walls you’ve built around yourself, I still see the man who’s been there for me. You’re not perfect, none of us are. But you’re the one I want. You’re the one I need.”
He closed his eyes for a brief moment, as if taking in your words, processing them, before meeting your gaze again. His expression softened, the tightness in his jaw easing, but there was still that guarded look in his eyes. He was trying to fight something inside himself, something he had carried for so long.
“I don’t deserve you,” he said, almost to himself, but you heard it loud and clear. The doubt in his voice, something he couldn’t shake.
You reached up, cupping his face in your hands, forcing him to look at you, forcing him to see the truth in your eyes. “Stop saying that,” you said, your voice trembling with the weight of your emotions. “You deserve me. You deserve everything good that’s coming your way. I’ve seen who you are, Joel. You’re not what you think you are.”
“Why do you think I keep pushing you away?” he asked, his voice barely above a whisper now, like he was afraid of the answer himself.
You leaned in a little closer, your forehead nearly touching his, and your breath mingled in the quiet space between you. “Because you’re scared of letting yourself love me the way you do,” you said softly. “You’re scared of losing me. But pushing me away won’t make it any easier. It’ll just leave you with a regret you can’t undo.”
He inhaled sharply, his chest rising and falling as if your words had struck a chord in him, but it wasn’t enough to break him completely, not yet.
“I don’t want to lose you,” he murmured, his voice thick with emotion. “But I’m afraid if I let myself love you fully... if I let myself need you the way I do… I won’t be able to protect you. I can’t live with that.”
A single tear slipped down your cheek as you reached up to wipe it away, the tenderness in his voice catching you off guard. You could feel the pain in his words, the depth of his fear, and it only made you love him more.
Joel’s hand gently moved to your ankle, and despite everything that had just been said, the tenderness in his touch wasn’t lost on you. His rough fingers brushed against your skin as he carefully positioned your leg. You winced slightly at the discomfort, but it wasn’t the pain from your ankle that caught your attention—it was the way his eyes never left you, the quiet care he was showing in that moment.
“Hold still,” he murmured, his voice low, trying to keep his own emotions in check. You could tell he was trying to be calm for you, even though you knew he was anything but calm inside.
Joel’s fingers moved gently over your ankle, wrapping the bandage with the precision of someone who had done this a thousand times. His touch was steady, and for once, it was soft, more like the careful tenderness of someone who didn’t want to hurt you, rather than the harshness that often came with survival.
You winced slightly when the bandage tightened, but he immediately eased his grip, looking at you with concern.
“Sorry,” he muttered. “Didn’t mean to hurt you.”
“It’s fine,” you replied, your voice barely above a whisper. You weren’t sure why, but his care made you feel vulnerable in a way you weren’t used to.
Once your ankle was properly secured, Joel leaned back, looking at you for a moment, his eyes dark with something you couldn’t quite place in them. He didn’t speak for a while, just stared at you like he was trying to decide something in his mind.
Joel’s gaze went to your ankle for a moment, then, unexpectedly, he leaned forward, his lips brushing the soft skin of your bandaged ankle. It was a gesture so tender, so unexpected, that you couldn’t help but laugh softly.
“Don’t laugh,” he murmured, a small smirk tugging at the corner of his mouth, though his voice remained quiet, almost apologetic. “I’m just trying to make it better.”
You shook your head, still chuckling lightly, the sound feeling strange after everything that had happened. “I wasn’t laughing at you, Joel,” you said, meeting his eyes with a smile. “It’s just... never thought you’d be kissing my ankle better.”
Joel’s smirk softened into something more tender, and for a moment, there was nothing between you but the quiet understanding. His eyes dropped back to your ankle for a brief second before lifting to meet yours once more, his expression serious. Without another word, he moved closer, his hand reaching to cup your face gently, his thumb brushing over your skin with the same tenderness he had shown when tending to your injury. You could feel the weight of his gaze on you, his lips just a breath away.
And then, without hesitation, he kissed you, soft, lingering, as if it was a promise, as if it was everything, he hadn’t been able to say before. You leaned into it, letting the kiss speak for you both, the tension between you finally easing, at least for this moment.
“Oh, come on! Seriously?” Ellie’s voice cut through the moment like a knife.
You and Joel broke apart instantly, your breath still tangled in his, as you turned to see Ellie standing in the doorway with her arms crossed, a smirk pulling at her lips.
Joel cleared his throat and sat back slightly, rubbing a hand over his beard like that would somehow erase what she’d just walked in on.
Ellie rolled her eyes. “I leave you two alone for five minutes, and you’re already making out. Unbelievable.”
Your face burned, but you couldn’t help but laugh at her dramatic tone. “Ellie—”
“No, no,” she interrupted, waving a hand. “I mean, it’s kinda sweet, but gross.”
Joel shot her a look, his voice flat. “Ellie.”
“What?” She shrugged, grinning. “Just saying. But, uh—maybe save the romance for later, lovebirds? We kinda got shit to do.”
Joel exhaled sharply, shaking his head, but when he glanced at you again, you caught the ghost of a smile on his lips.
“C’mon,” he muttered, standing up and offering you a hand. “We should get movin’.”
You took his hand, squeezing it briefly before letting go. As you stood, Ellie shot you both a smug look before turning on her heel.
As she walked away, you heard her mutter under her breath, “God, I hope I never have to see that again.”
As soon as you put weight on your injured ankle, a sharp pain shot up your leg, making you wince. You bit down on a curse, trying to tough it out, but Joel noticed immediately.
“Joel, it’s fine, I can walk,” you protested, but you could see the look in his eyes, the one that said, no argument.
“Not gonna argue with me on this one. Up you go.” Before you could protest, he crouched slightly in front of you. “Get on.” He waited for you to settle onto his back, and you reluctantly complied, knowing it would be easier than walking on your own.
You blinked at him. “Joel, I can—”
He shot you a look over his shoulder. “I'm not asking...”
Ellie snorted. “Just get on, lovebird.”
You sighed, but there was no real fight left in you. Carefully, you wrapped your arms around his shoulders as he hooked his arms under your legs and lifted you effortlessly.
“Easy, old man,” you teased, resting your chin on his shoulder.
Joel huffed, adjusting his grip. “Call me that again, and I’m dropping you.”
You laughed softly, “Thanks,” you muttered after a moment, your face buried in his jacket, still feeling the warmth of his body. The way he carried you felt like a sense of safety you hadn’t realized you needed until now.
You sighed against him, letting yourself relax just a little as Joel carried you forward with steady steps. Without thinking, you pressed a soft kiss to the side of his neck, just above the collar of his jacket.
Joel stiffened for half a second, his grip on your legs tightening before he exhaled slowly. “You trying to distract me?” His voice was lower now, rougher.
A smirk played on your lips. “Is it working?”
He huffed, shaking his head. “Maybe.”
You laughed, placing another kiss on the same spot, “I love you, Joel.”
His steps faltered for just a moment, barely noticeable, but you felt it. His grip on you tightened, his fingers pressing into your legs like he needed to ground himself.
He didn’t answer right away, just kept walking, his jaw tight. For a second, you thought maybe he wouldn’t say anything at all.
But then, in that quiet, gruff voice of his, he murmured, “I love you too, darling. Always”.
This fic was like an arrow to the heart 💘 The yearning, angst, emotional conversation, presence of Ellie were highlights to me and made the fic sooo great!!!! A sad, self sacrificial, pining Joel will always make me melt 💕🫠 And the conversation they have at the end was just beautiful!!! Thank you for this amazing fic @stylesispunk 🤩🤩🤩🤍🤍🤍
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