[howtomuslim]

[imaginationbeyondreality]

It’s 1:25 am, been caffeine-free for a week now, and still I’m wide awake.

I should have done fellowship after I passed the diplomate exam. Looking back, I do not know why I was so adamant in not going into fellowship. I wasted my time, a part of me voices that. Had I done it back then, I’m finished by now and prolly finished also the return service.

I should have opened my own clinic. Since I did not go into fellowship, I should have done it. But for whatever reason I’ve been telling myself, I did not. Well, to be honest, the thought of it failing is actually eating me up. But, hey! I really need to do it.

She told me the other party was hired because I was late. And maybe because there are times I am indeed late, I felt guilty. But hey! It’s the other way around. I was hired after her. And it pisses me off. Why wasn’t I thinking properly that time. I should have told her that it’s the other way around. I was hired because she is late. I should have told her that, technically, it is not late based on the contract we signed. I should have told her that they should not be having unreasonable demands. I do not work solely for them. I cannot fathom why I wasn’t able to say those things. It makes me hate myself. Ugh!

How do I actually say to someone, no. That I do not like it. That I do not feel comfortable. I dunno. I just thought she should be picking it up. But sadly, she is not.

I wish to be rich. Rich to the point that I would not be worried when I spoil my family. Makes me think I should have taken more jobs. I should have looked for opportunities. But I did not. I chose to settle here and it’s for one thing… convenience.

It’s been so long. And when I opened my account, this is the first thing I saw. Indeed, Allah SWT’s plan is always better. This will get better. I will get better.

And this is the next thing I read.

I should not really be drowning my self into worrying. So, yeah! I’m calling it a night.

[ember-knights]

To everyone being neutral and asking for peace.

[imaginationbeyondreality]

So, what’s new?

These past few weeks have been hectic. I feel so tired but for some strange reason, I do not feel sleepy. Well, maybe it’s because the board exam is pretty much just around the corner. So, I don't have the time to dillydally.

This year has been rough for me and… for my baby. I know she’s kinda old. We’ve been together for like seven years. And maybe, it’s about time she shows how much she has aged.

For starters, I do not even remember when was the last time I had her washed. Yes. Yes. It’s so irresponsible of me but I just don’t have the time these past few months.

I had to pay someone for a scratch (about a foot long) I caused in her car when I was leaving the parking lot. I’m not sure actually if I was the one who scratched her car but the security guard insisted. Though, what baffles me is that I have no scratch in mine. I mean, if I was the one who caused it should my car have a paint transfer of some sort? I don’t know. But because of this incident, I now have trust issues with security guards.

I stupidly left my car with the engine on for 20 hours. That’s almost a day! I wasted my fuel which I tanked up that day. Seriously, how stupid can I get?

For the first time in seven years, I had to visit a vulcanizing shop. I was alone and scared and skeptical. I mean. Is he doing the right thing or he’s just after sales? Silly me.

I had a mishap with a motorcycle, twice actually. Different instances. Alhamdulillah, no one got hurt. So yeah, I have new scratches on both sides.

One of my brake bulbs busted last year and now, two of them are not working. Back then, I had a hard time finding a replacement in CdeO so I gave up. But I realized, I have to replace it. So we searched again in IC but we still got no luck. We ended up asking someone to buy them in Manila and get them shipped here. So, yes. I got new bulbs but to my disappointment, both brake bulbs just stopped working. I think something is wrong with the wiring. And it’s definitely something that I cannot solve.

Next. Three of the warning lights on my dashboard are now persistently illuminated. I read my manual, did some research, and I found out that those warning lights are kinda serious and warrant a visit to an auto shop.

And just recently, my windshield cracked. I don’t know how and why, but it happened. I felt so sad and sorry and stupid. ‘Coz I think I am the only one who got her windshield cracked for no apparent reason. I did not see any other damage exteriorly, just the crack. Something might have hit it. Accidentally or not? I don’t know. Or did it crack because of too much heat? Or because she’s worn out? Well, I can’t tell.

But you know what’s funny? I religiously hang my sunshade cover every time I park and leave my car out. But strangely that day, I did not. Looking back, I remember having the urge to hang the sunshade cover before I leave but I dismissed the idea telling myself that I will leave early the next day so I don’t have to do it. But I did not leave the next day. I did not! And it totally slipped my mind that I did not hang the sunshade cover. So I basically left my car out in the scorching sun for two days. When I got in my car the next day, I did not notice the crack. I turned on my AC, as usual, and lowered the temperature. And it somehow occurred to me at that time that if I set the temperature too low, will my windshield break? And, AGAIN, I dismissed the idea. ‘Coz it’s what I’ve been doing for years. I turn my AC on immediately. I only noticed the crack when I was outside the compound. Wait. Did I really notice it when I was out or was it when I turned my AC on? Did something fall and cracked the windshield when I left the car to close the gate? Ugh. I don’t know. My memories are playing tricks on me. They’re confusing me.

I can’t help myself but be bothered. I keep on thinking that I was the one who made it happen. It’s my fault. I feel stupid and irresponsible and broke. ‘Coz the repair, you know, would definitely cost a lot. I know it’s wrong of me to wallow in sadness, but I couldn’t help it. I have this feeling that none of these could have happened if I was careful. I might have prevented it had I listened to my inner self. But really. Whom am I kidding? They are bound to happen. They happened for a reason.

Ya Allah. Grant me wisdom and strength.

Sigh.

[imaginationbeyondreality]

Nuff with the words I mutter. I feel guilty. I know it wasn't my fault. But I reassured you I'd find a way to make it work. I had the chance to talk to her it but I was tongue-tied. I can't bring myself to say it. I can't say what I promised you to say to her. It's not that I got cold-feet. I mean, I'm not sure if he thinks the way I think. If he wants what I want. And I definitely don't have the right to bring him to whatever chaos I'm incurring for myself. I can't be that selfish. I'm sorry. I lied. I'm sorry I wasn't able to change her decision. I'm sorry she favored us. I'm sorry I can't do a thing. I hate this feeling. I feel burdened. The only thing that I know to make myself feel better is to help you. But I cannot do it 'coz I have other responsibilities. To others it may appear that I'm slacking. But I can not help it. I badly wanted you to feel that it is not unfair. That somehow things are just fine. It may seem that I'm only doing it for my own ego but I can't still help it. It's the only thing I could do for now.

[imaginationbeyondreality]

Eleven months. Eleven months ago. I, I prayed for this. As I look back, I clearly remember myself complaining almost every waking day of my life since this clerkship started. But now? It seems like everything happened so fast.

The human heart is truly insatiable. When I was a third year student, I prayed for me to get past through it. 'Coz at that time, It was what I truly wanted, to survive Surgical Block. Then here comes Medical Block. I cried. I begged. I prayed. Getting into clerkship is what mattered to me most during those times. When I was promoted to clerkship, I told myself, one year from now, I know I'll be asking Allah SWT again. I'll be asking His help, His Grace. 'coz undoubtedly, everything is from Him. He is the Bestower. And now, almost a year has passed. Yes! I prayed and poured my heart out. I prayed for Allah SWT to grant me wisdom during Revalida days.

[imaginationbeyondreality]

Not yet.

I am ready for this. I primed myself for this. I prepared my heart for this. I envisioned myself failing. I tried feeling what could I possibly feel if my name wouldn't appear there so it would hurt less when it actually happen. But really, no amount of preparation can make your heart hurt less when that one thing you fear to happen, happens. I wouldn't deny the fact that I felt sad. Once again, I'm seeing myself less. But I won't let it get ahead of me. It happened for a reason. It didn't happen so it could hurt me. It happened 'coz I need to learn a lesson or two.

It scares the hell out of me, actually. What if I don't make it this time? I know that Allah decrees what's best for us but as a human, I'd still feel sad if what I badly want now wouldn't happen.

I'm bound to get that MD after my name but not yet now. Maybe after two weeks. IN SHAA ALLAH, Ameen. Ya'Allah. You alone we worship. You alone we ask for help.

[imaginationbeyondreality]

That's what I do best. I excel in procrastination. I'm actually good in destroying myself. It has been a month and a half. I wasted 50 days of my life. I can see myself not making it. And it's no one's fault except mine. I'm the only person to blame if I do not make it. I feel sorry for my parents. I know I'm up to no good but I still end up procrastinating. I did things and made myself busy so that I wouldn't have time to study.

[imaginationbeyondreality]

In a place where every ounce of energy we have is drained, I hope to be different. It's definitely tiring. It is, sometimes, infuriating. When I look at them, I

[imaginationbeyondreality]

One and a half months. One and a half. I began internship with a heavy heart. Well, still now, I still have the same sentiments since the day I started. Should have I asked you? Should have I said no? Should I? As I stare blankly in this page, I try to feel again what I felt. Am I still feeling the same strong emotions? Nah. I think the time, your words made me take a leap and move forward from where you left me. I wouldn't say I'm over it but at least, I'm able to breath. I'll look forward to the coming days.

[imaginationbeyondreality]

I tried dissecting my own feelings. I mean, come on, it makes me wonder why it was always different when it comes to you. I'm actually taken aback. Who knows where this experiment might lead me. It kinda scares me, you know. You were the first. I was never the one to depend on anyone. I've always believed I can do things alone. But you've always insisted on things. You do things I know I can do. You do things instead of making me do 'em. And no matter how high I build my wall, you always have a way to go in.

And I know, I shouldn't be writing about you but I still do. And that kinda sucks.

[imaginationbeyondreality]

Ultimately, we shouldn't rush things. We shouldn't push things. I should have learned my lesson, by now. But it seems, I have a fairly poor grasp of my reality that I'm not cut for this. I've hurt people. Sadly, it's for the sole reason of not disappointing someone. Yeah! It's safe to say I've done things for myself, for my pride, for my useless ego. I wish I could just quit. I wish I could just leave. I wish I could say I don't want to see how things would end for me. I'm so sick and tired of myself being this useless. How could I be so stupid?

[imaginationbeyondreality]

Time heals. And it's true. If we don't dwell on things, we'll eventually forget. I won't say every ounce of feeling went down the drain. But I'm glad. I'm glad I've stopped yearning. Eventually, one day, I'll totally stop. One day, I'll forget everything. One day, this will stop skipping a beat.

[imaginationbeyondreality]

Times like these, I'd wish for things to end. Moments like these, I'd heave a deep sigh. Nights like these, I'd want to just drift to wherever I can. Blame it on the heart. It isn't really the mind that's fickle. It's the heart! One moment you're happy. The next, your world falls apart. Some days, you'd want the land to swallow you whole. Ugh! Oh how I hate this feeling. It's baseless, useless

[imaginationbeyondreality]

Hospital hallways. Weird as it sounds but I've found solace in them. These hallways, walls that witnessed our journey, my journey. In my ups and downs. In my fleeting and never-ending days. In my happy days, sad days.

[imaginationbeyondreality]

[imaginationbeyondreality]

And it bothers me. I mean, why? Why do I hate staying in this place so much? Why do I see it as a burden? Why does it suffocate me? And, as if an epiphany… Ah! I hated this place because I got in not the way I wanted. Few years back, I left this place because the way I got in doesn’t sit straight in my heart. So I left. I sought this place, three hours away from home, and when I got in, my heart was at peace, as if knowing that this is where I should be. Fast forward, I’ve returned, and as if being slapped in my face, I got in like how I got in years back. I hate it. I really hate it. But what can I do but to just suck it up? 'Coz I don’t wanna end up disappointing people that matter to me.

[imaginationbeyondreality]

So this is what kept me busy these past few days. I have been preparing for an exam that was held yesterday. And again, talk about cramming. Well, this exam was supposed to be last year’s June. But. As you know, COVID happened so it was moved. It was rescheduled, I think, November? December? I can’t quite remember when. But it was again moved to January 10 this year. And silly us. We expected, hoped that it would be moved again. But it happened. Alhamdulillah. It happened. I mean. We had been anxious since the early months of 2020 because it was expected to be held that year. So. From January last year to December, we had been holding our breaths. For the past months, it felt like our hearts are stuck in our throats. So. Alhamdulillah, it finally happened.

Actually, this is the first time they'd be doing it. I mean. The previous exams were actually held in Manila. Examinees from all over Philippines have to take the exam there. But because of COVID, we have to do it online. 

This is how my set-up looked like for the exam. We had the exam from 8 in the morning to 12 noon. And. Alhamdulillah. It's finally over. Alhamdulillah. So. Yeah. It’s all done now. We are past that studying phase and what we have to do now is pray for a good result. It was a relief actually for it to be done. Like a burden was lifted from us. Alhamdulillah.

Ya Allah! You alone we worship, You alone we ask for help. You know what our hearts desire. And may what our heart's desire be what’s good for us.