solipsystem

they/he, mid 30s, various and sundry disabilities, so incredibly tired of online queer and disability "discourse" that bears absolutely no relation to lived experiences, newly discovered traumagenic system seeking functional multiplicity and/or some level of integration.

[imbackbaybee]

i feel so much sorrow for the part/s of me that are convinced they are unreal/invisible/a ghost. Partly it's a literal sense of being these things, but I'm also grounded in the awareness that it's the striking and vivid sensation of not existing, of not being connected to others, of being adrift and unnoticed. It's so sorrowful.

I feel it leaking through into my sense of self a lot when I feel untethered.

For various reasons, some just logistical and related to dynamic changes in my care, certain interpersonal connections are being severed.

Endings are natural, and it change is the only thing in life that is guaranteed, but it awakens parts of me that really feel the rawness of every severed connection. It echoes back as I Don't Exist Anymore.

feels like when you scream in a dream, but there is no noise.

[imbackbaybee]

Today, i was laid down in the dark with a migraine. Spending an hour constantly and consistently having to return to my breath to try and release as much tension as i could. Noticing my bodily sensations, noticing my thoughts, returning to the breath, repeatedly choosing to lean into a release of tension and a semblance of relaxation.

It was hard work. It was constant, deliberate, mindful. I could do it, but it felt dangerously rusty and unfamiliar. I haven't been consistently deliberate in that kind of somatic self care for... years.

These days i run straight into avoidance and distraction and I can feel it stagnating me.

I remembered the times over the past decade where I'd used an old, long-gone, sideblog as my mental health/wellbeing/recovery focus and it helped massively.

I am awful at consistent journalling or habit tracking but figured I could try and revive this space for that.

...

also, wow, it's been over a whole year since i posted? could've sworn it was just a few months.

[ice-block]

Phenomenon I feel happens a lot

[aro-ace-thetic-remade-deactivat]

[ID: a doodle of two people looking away from each other. The first person is thinking, "If they wanted me to know they would tell me. I shouldn't ask about it." The second person is thinking, "If they cared about it they would ask me. I shouldn't talk About it." End ID.]

[imbackbaybee]

i found myself being a person who is always asking and then the emotionally unavailable person closes themself off even more and asks for space, and so I respect that space and then suddenly I'm unapproachable. I was never going to receive healthy communication or connection. Time to move on and spend my energy on people capable of making themselves available.

[imbackbaybee]

it's wild when other people's narratives drive you into what feels like an involuntary villain era, but the blessing inside it all is that you're finally dealing with the thing you've been terrified of for so long: upsetting people and hurting them by making choices that aren't relentlessly fawning in deference to their needs above yours. It feels like coming alive. I hate it and I love it at the same time.

[namelessennes]

not alive not dead but a secret third thing (chronically ill)

[imbackbaybee]

ooh i was definitely dissociated earlier. migraine is almost gone and I am suddenly very aware of my body and the sound of the clock ticking. Not sure who was here but it's interesting to observe. I always thought I was a weird and different version of myself around my parents.

[flowercrowncrip]

Growing up I was always expected to be the good disabled person and say things like “I wouldn’t wish my disability on my worst enemy”

Now I’m a grown up cripple there’s a long list of people I’d give a taste of my life to, including:

Bad carers

Asshole doctors and nurses

Benefits assessors

Policy makers who influence disability benefits

People who think accessibility isn’t worth it

People who think reasonable adjustments are “cheating”

Anyone involved in cutting funding for health and social care

People who think we should be grateful for crumbs

People who think visibly disabled people have it easier

People who stigmatise medications and/or mobility aids

Everyone who’s made fun of my movement, speech or other aspects of my disability

But also I’d like to gift the fullness of my life to:

People who think disabled people can’t experience joy

People who think disabled people are “a drain on society”

Every single person who’s told me I’m better off dead/ they’d kill themselves if they were me

[uchidachi]

What kind of cat do you have?

Little guy

A creachur

Tiny baby

Criminal mastermind

Distinguished elder statesman

Ball of fur and rage

The shadow that meows in the night

An orange one

Some combination of the above

None of the above (please explain)

Voting ended onApr 2, 2023

[everythingstarstuff]

[imbackbaybee]

If only.

Due to unfortunate circumstances all prior versions of me are actually haunting my body very loudly and stealing my time and memories.

[imbackbaybee]

the breakup is slowly feeling less constantly horror-inducing. Making sure we are not alone for too long is helping, a bit too miserable to keep ourselves occupied so having distraction from other people is helping. Driving lesson today was really regulating, brought us back into our body and out of mentally spiralling. On days where there are no plans over the next few weeks we might try riding our bike for a bit if weather allows, that might be grounding in the same way driving is. Also getting out of the house intermittently really helps to avoid feeling too cooped up and trapped.

Positive aspects include that we are taking this as a big prompt to expand our social life and be more involved and engaged in things where we get to spend social time with a wider range of people. Life got stagnant and shrank quite small when our whole world started almost revolving around one relationship.

Also found it quite regulating that it seems we are both keen to remain friends as our friendship has been so extremely important to the both of us before and during dating.

It cannot be helped that at this stage in life we both want and need and have capacity for different things which are misaligned to the point of not being able to sustain our relationship. It hurts enormously, it brings many of us panic and anger and bitterness. Hoping to explore and process more of that as things become less raw as time progresses. Therapy this week will be 2 hours long to account for how many of us will need to be present.

Appetite is slowly coming back. Able to eat more things. Using meds to aid sleep for now but hoping we won't need that for more than a week.

Currently at our parents house, getting a migraine and feel very dissociated. Trying to keep track of things. Dreading talking about it with more people. Trying not to get carried away with hypotheticals and just focus on what is tangible and real and known.

[fairycosmos]

*gritting my teeth* no feeling is final no feeling is final no feeling is final no feeling is final

[imbackbaybee]

we broke up.

Her choice. I wanted to do the work. She couldn't see it working, or didn't have it in her to keep trying.

We are angry. And heartbroken. devastated. despairing. hopeless. inconsolable. some parts are relieved.

Hardly any time passes without our thoughts turning to her. It hits physically. we've been nauseous and unrested for days.

We are going to try to maintain a friendship. That soothes some of us and feels like painful temptation to others.

She and I love each other deeply, and it maybe hurts more due to that. It hurts every time someone cannot be or do what we need in order to feel safe and respected.

I apologised for needing too much, she apologised for not being enough.

It was calming and comforting to see her today to end it properly, to talk face to face. But afterwards, back at home by myself, I was just glued to the spot in bed with nausea and sorrow. Got out of the house for a bit to see friends, which provided some relief. I think we'll have to stay busy and not be alone too much for a bit.

I'm having to stop myself begging her for it to be different. If she could be what we needed then she would.

I'm worried about how painful this is, how dysregulated we are, how we aren't getting enough rest or food. I'm worried it's going to make us really unwell. I can't manage to do anything that helps for longer than a couple of minutes. It's agony. i don't know how to tolerate feeling like this. When does it stop feeling so raw?

She was my life, my world. I am so alone.

[snorlax-and-co]

[catcrumb]

[imbackbaybee]

I want to delete it all and disappear. stop existing. let someone new start from scratch. i hate being stuck in this stupid fucking body with it's stupid fucking disabilities. I can't just run away. I'm stuck here.

[traumasurvivors]

Your trauma is valid even if the one who traumatized you had good intentions.

[lousydrawingsforgoodpeople]