nothing in particular. @imcrying2-blog - Tumblr Blog

fuck this

fuck feeling like everything i do deserves an apology. fuck fake apologies. they mean nothing like the person giving them.

fuck everything that makes me feel like i should apologize for being who i am. fuck everyone who makes me feel like that.

fuck feeling like this. fuck feeling. fuck. fuck. FUCK. i’m FUCKING done. everyone, everything- it’s all to shit. this world feels like it’s spinning for one reason- for me to be inconvenienced at ANY given FUCKING moment.

i want to scream. i want silence. i want a void, open place of silence, and i want to scream.

then i want you in it.

but you don’t want this,

you don’t want to be inconvenienced like me, like the inconvenience i’ve become to so many.

i’m sorry. i am. i am. i am. because i don’t know how to be anything but strong hearted. meaning i feel. i feel so much. i shouldn’t live like i do, i shouldn’t hate how i feel like i do. the only thing i don’t feel for is how sometimes i have my tick. my tick is something i’m beginning to learn to live with. but while i live with it i hate. i hate. i hate it. i adore so many things. but the tick, i hate. i adore flowers and smiles and i believe anyone’s laughter can be contagious. i love the way sunshine dances on warm skin and the moon’s light beaming through my window at 8pm on summer nights. i awe at any sign of happiness and geek over romantic lovers. although i might never be one myself. i love, i adore, i obsess. but i hate. my tick.

so fuck it.

danger

crystalsister

leholidaymagazine-deactivated20

tenderness is very important

i’m too much of a fucking coward to cut myself, to kill myself, to even talk about how i feel to anyone. i feel mental pain every day but can’t bring myself to endure physical pain. i’m terrified of myself. but gosh, how i’d love to die.

skyofauroras

I just want to feel completely safe with someone and have them hold me for a really long time and tell me it’s going to be okay

woefulwriting

My friend told me that the boy she’s talking to has been ignoring her for 17 hours. It made me laugh because she was so precise about the timing but it also brought back flashbacks. The days I’d be anxious and desperate for him to reply. I’d sit and wait and check my phone hundreds of times, only to be met with silence. I’d check if his Snapchat score went higher, wondering who he’s talking to and why he hasn’t replied to me. Am I too boring? Is he with friends and too ashamed to text me in their presence? My mind would race with all these possibilities and I was so naive to the truth: he didn’t like me. It took me half a year to come to the realization. A boy who truly wants you will make it known, don’t settle for anything less.

Things I wish I had known

i am so sad

i don’t know what you want from me

i fall into the grasp of the world

it’s cool touch overwhelming my burning body

i’m not human anymore

i collide with the air

i am floating

does anyone realize

will anyone remember me

i am gone

i exist only in the wind

the wind knows everything

that’s happened to me

around me

and you

the wind knows you too

the existence of pain

the beginnings of happiness

air is around us

always here

it keeps us alive so long as we do one thing

it asks one thing of us

to breathe

i have stopped breathing

i have let down the wind, the air

i am sorry, wind

however now i am closer to you

i collide with the air

i am floating

gone, gone, gone

inkbyaporia

i.

The light in your eyes is not the street lamp that will guide me home. All of my friends tell me I make decisions too quickly for my own good, leave people too soon, but I’ve always believed love isn’t a sensation you can think through. You only feel it or you don’t. It’s either there or it’s not, it either exists like a fire in the darkest night your eyes have ever seen or never alighted at all. I’ve tried to run from that truth, I’ve tried to bury myself in arms that felt more like coffins than they did bedsheets. I tried to suffocate so you can breathe, I tried to drown myself because the you wanted me to become a part of your ocean so badly and I could never tell you “no”. I tried. And I tried. And I tried. But everything inside of me yearns for something more. Maybe there is so much darkness inside of me that I crave for the brightest of fires, something that will tear the fabric of my soul apart, but deep down I know you never managed as more than a flicker within me— not because you weren’t enough, but because you believed loving me was a habit instead of a revolution.

ii.

I am so much more than a “good morning” text or compliments I could find on Instagram posts. I am so much more than what you thought I needed to remain comfortable. Fuck, love is so much more than remaining comfortable. To be honest, I’m not exactly sure what love is supposed to feel like, but it sure as hell doesn’t feel like being trapped. Deep down, I know I am meant for something greater than affection that reeks of routine and the fear that I’ll never find anything better. Love isn’t supposed to be a chore. Love isn’t supposed to feel like passing the time. Love isn’t supposed to be mediocre. Life is too short, too full, too beautiful to be populated by regular love and lovers who cannot understand that affection is more of a revolution than an emotion. I am sorry if I am asking for too much, but I would kill myself before I allow the fires that reside within me to slowly dim in light of an affection that never burned bright enough. I’m sorry women like me don’t come with warning signs, but I pray someday someone will fall in love with me due to the flames alone.

— ap (12.18) loving me was a revolution but you never learned how to handle fire

iomomoi

helovedmebutnotenough

Sometimes, no matter how hard you try, some people will never appreciate you the way you want them to and they will never see how much you’re worth. No matter how much you want them to, no matter how much you wish they did, no matter how much you do for them and how much you want them to love you, how much you want them to be good to you.. They just won’t. You can try everything but you can’t force someone to be the right person.

//helovedmebutnotenough