Fatui harbingers (+ the Tsaritsa) with a reader who's a bit... odd.
Safe to say, the fatui is weird with its recruits. With the Harbingers being a very good example, mostly the Doctor and Columbina.
But there is one who is deemed the weirdest of them all... that's not even a member.
The dear sweet and definitely somehow human... reader.
And you might be wondering how can they be weird? They're cute, tiny, they look like they couldn't harm a fly if they tried. Well that's where you're wrong because there's a whole list made by both the small recruits and the Harbingers themselves!
Heights!
Just imagine it. It's a beautiful frosty day in Snezhnaya. Sandrone's having a peaceful day with little casualties and no Columbina singing when she sees the reader 50 FEET OFF THE GROUND ON ONE OF THE SLICK ICE SUPPORT BEAMS IN THE PALACE!
"READER! WHAT IN THE TSARITSA'S NAME ARE YOU DOING?!!! HOW DID YOU GET UP THERE???!!!!"
Let's just say that Arlecchino had to fly up there to get the small person while Sandrone was having a robotic heart attack in Pulonia's hand. When asked how, the odd reader just shrugged. And you'd think they'd stop doing it, but NO! They just kept on finding higher and more impossible places to get up to. One of them being in the Tsaritsa's throne room no less. Tartaglia literally watched it all and even he had no idea.
Some people even asked for Columbina's input, but when they tried to find her, she was up in one of reader's spots with the weird heathen! The only response from the moon maiden was a cheeky smile and never answered any of the other questions!
Staring!
The reader could just stare for hours on end without blinking. And even if they do blink, it's the slow frog blink. Many people have tried to win at a staring contest with them but failed. Childe being one of them.
The 11th swears he once saw them lick their own eyes like a lizard, but it hasn't been proven. Even Dottore had multiple observations on the reader but none of the clones saw anything but them staring into the one way glass the Dottores where behind. Even the clones said that it was disturbing them a little.
Hiding things... in somehow impossible places!
Reader doesn't do this one a lot, but when they do it's a total mystery how they do it.
The first incident was when Scaramouche (back when he was still in the fatui) called them out on how weird they were on one of their tall spots.
And apparently they took that to heart cause the next day his hat was missing. He couldn't find it for weeks until someone pointed out a weird shape on top of the highest point of the Tsaritsa's palace. And sure enough, it was his hat with a note that said "Next time, I'm hiding it in the Tenshukaku." He never called them weird again.
The most times the reader has hidden something is definitely Pantalone's cigarettes. Though it's mostly because Dottore bribes them in secrecy. They go along with it because they hate the smell of cigars and they question Pantalone because HE DIDN'T STOP AFTER THE FIRST LUNG TRANSPLANT?!!! Safe to say, Pantalone always knows to take a break when Dottore and reader hide his cigarettes... there's a very low chance he finds them... and when he does it's because they're somehow in Liyue.
And if you're wondering how in Teyvat they managed to meet the reader. Uh... they don't know. They just appeared one day and stuck around. Some question if it's Childe's or Columbina's doing, but even they don't know. All they know is that the reader is weird, but the fatui likes them. The Tsaritsa puts up with them because somehow in her icy heart, she likes the weird things they do. Even if it freaks out the other nobles when they see eyes staring at them in the shadows.
And I got back into Honkai Star Rail after so long (Love and Deepspace took too much space on my phone and I deleted it. I'm still not okay about it.)
And now... behold all the screenshots I have taken now that I've gone back to being a trash panda!!!!
My son!!! I love him so much! I deadass got a heart attack when everyone was gone from Amphoreus! Literally was gonna cry if he wasn't in As I've Written.
SKOTT! MY BOY!!! MY ANIMAL MAKING NOISE AND FUN TO TEASE BOY!!!! 😭😭😭😭😭😭 (Ngl, I knew about this but it still hurt. Pearl's secretary and Fulwish are dead to me for eternity.)
First one of Blade is because I went feral. The second is because I broke out cackling when I saw the ears on his head!
And now.. the one I treasure most...
IT'S ABOUT DAMN TIME THAT AT LEAST ONE OF HIM CAME HOME!!! (Ngl, I did get a Gepard before him and had to grind even harder for more stellar jades. I also got his card but didn't get a picture of it.)
I'm going after normal Blade next and no one can stop my f2p ass!!!!! >:)
Innocent is so sweet and kind... until you mess with her food...
(Based roughly on how I thought my food was eaten by my siblings when it was actually hidden in a corner.)
Everything was going well within the walls of the palace, the birds were singing, the icy flowers were blooming, and it was nice and cold out. Perfect for Innocent to finally make that cheap and easy to make cheddar and broccoli pasta she got at the market. (It was cheap too! Much to her pleasure and to Pantalone's displeasure who had begged to tag along with her. He even tried to offer his black card for her to use to get anything but the cheap pasta.) Now all she needed to do was to get to the kitchen pantry and make i-.
It was gone...
It was bloody gone...
Someone touched her food... someone touched her fucking food!
Someone was going to have hell to pay...
Meanwhile, in another part of the Palace during the meeting with the Harbingers. Everything was smoothly. No fights, no stabbings, no picking on each othe-
BRRRRR
Welp, there go the lights!
"Are you kidding me? Sandrone! Did you mess with the lights?!" Pierro asked, glaring at the robotics loving female.
Sandrone huffed in that high mannered tone that she has. Looking away from the Director while Pulonia held her. "Pfft, puh-lease. I haven't touched it all month. Especially since the puppet supercharged the electrical system trying to fry Childe." She responds while glaring at Scaramouche, already starting the first harbinger fight of the day.
"Don't look at me, you antisocial brat. I don't dabble with the systems, unlike you." The Balladeer snaps back. Already cracking his ball joint knuckles and ready to let it go too far.
"Oh, you little shi-!"
SLAM
All heads quickly turn to the door. Expecting to see a lower fatui member in a rush or something. Instead, they see their sweet little Innocent, looking livid as the deep abyss.
"Who. The FUCK. Took. My damn pasta." She asks with if not, the most terrifying glare that could probably rival the Tsaritsa's.
"Woah! Awesome punch, Innocent!" Tartaglia exclaimed in excitement, standing up on his seat to look at the damage she caused on Scaramouche. Seeing how his porcelain nose looks cracked from just a fragile little being.
"Shut up, Ajax! You're next on my list if no PUSSIES stand up and admit it!" She hisses, already rolling up her sleeves and walking over to the ginger haired male.
Almost immediately, Capitano walks over to hold Innocent back by her arms. Trying to make sure she doesn't hurt herself or the others. Whilst the others make up excuses.
"I was in my lab the whole time, I don't travel to the kitchen." Dottore.
"I don't touch cheap food, you know this, my little firefly." Signora.
"You and I both know I won't touch your food, my sweet dove. Not after last time." Pantalone.
Everyone made their excuses until they heard a soft, polite cough. Quickly turning to see the culprit.
Columbina.
Slowly (and albeit a bit nervously) the moon maiden reaches into her cloak and pull out a now empty pasta bag.
"I... got hungry while I was waiting for Sandrone. I didn't know it was yours, Innocent. Forgive me." She apologies, placing the bag onto the table gently and looking down in shame.
Everyone goes quiet and quickly turns back to Innocent, who had gotten still in the Captain's grip while looking at the apologetic 3rd harbinger.
"It's... fine, just... come with me next time to the market if you want some more. And ask before eating someone's food, okay." Innocent says surprisingly calmly. "Though don't look out in the hallway, I definitely didn't beat up the Fatui guards while getting here!" She says before quickly getting out of Capitano's grip and rushing out.
Pierro quickly reacts and rushes to the door to catch up with the fast girl. "Wait, wait?! Innocent?! INNOCENT, COME BACK HERE!"
Good god, I don't want to know how many words I wrote for this. Apologies in advance if I overused the sentence fonts/colors thing. I found out how to use it like a month ago and was so excited to use it in a possibly future fic. I've used it once for an ask/imagine and I loved it. And about the she/her pronouns for Innocent, I... got frankly a bit lazy and I'm tired and those are also my pronouns. Sorry for all the they/them or other pronouns people!
Okay, time to hide and lurk in a hole again for more fics to simp over. Bye!
Innocent reader who shows love... through bites! :D
(At this rate, imma call reader "innocent" for short.)
●At this rate,you know the drill. Most of the Harbingers adore Innocent with a passion. And so most of their love language is either through verbal, physical, or... gift-like means (Dottore with guts or a literal heart maybe)
●So what is Innocent's love language? Welp, it's a mix of cuddles, hugs, and... bites?!
●Yep, apparently, based on Pantalone figuring out first, Innocent LOVES to bite people to show their love! Though there's a few people they have noted that they have to bite with caution. Such as...
Capitano! Because they tried to bite him but cracked a tooth because THE MAN IS COVERED HEAD TO TOE WITH ARMOR!!! Yeah... they had to go to Dottore for the pain and the gentle giant was feeling so bad for it. So... (per Capitano's request), Innocent can only bite him only in private since he would not show any skin to anyone.
Dottore! Because the man can and WILL bite back. The man canonically(?) has sharp teeth and he is definitely going to bite back harder (Innocent has questioned whether he doing it unintentionally or doing it on purpose for the other Harbingers to see and get jealous). Also because he has SO MANY CLONES OF HIMSELF, if Innocent tries to bite him with the other clones in the room, all you're going to hear is Innocent screaming and coming out later with bite marks head to toe on them. Think of piranhas going to town on a piece of meat but replace the piranhas with Dottore and clones and the meat as Innocent.
Scaramouche! No explanation needed. He tolerates Innocent at best, so if they try to bite, he is going to be hissing at them (SCARAMEOW!).
Sandrone! Two words. Pulonia. Punch. It entirely depends on her mood. If she's a good mood, she'll be amused and tolerate it. If it's a bad mood... you're gonna get hit harder than Sunday getting hit by the Astral Express.
●But some of the Harbingers also love it. Which is why, per their consent (consent is key), Innocent will leave a BUNCH of marks on them. Like...
Columbina! Because I can see her finding it fun and sweet and I will fight you on this. At first, she might be confused because she's never really had someone do this to her. But she will eventually warm up to it and sometimes nip back at them. (She gets so happy when Innocent keeps on doing it because she finds it like a fun game. Unlike SOMEONE else who literally ditched when Columbina appeared behind her, ARLECCHECINO!)
Pantalone! Because as I've mentioned before, he ADORES Innocent. The man would happily show off the many bite marks though he unfortunately can't cause he needs to keep being the professional banker he is.
Childe! Because... it's Childe. Simple.
And that's all I could think of because I... couldn't think of any ideas for Pierro, Arlecchecino, Signora. Pulcinella was obviously not going to be put in her because that is weird... k, bye!
Someone made an MMD on Tiktok of Capitano and let me just say... IT'S GOT ME FALLING FOR HIM ALL OVER AGAIN! MY GOD, THE BLUE EYES HAVE ME SQUEALING LIKE A LITTLE GIRL!!!!
Ohhh I'm bringing apple slices and PB+J's! And for people who are allergic to either, I have brought turkey and provolone sandwiches with whatever else you wanna put on them ^w^
i forgot to cook the spaghetti, can i still bring it,, im bringing my stupid boyfriend cause he cant be left alone
tagging moots 🙏 i think were moots but if we're not im sorry im dumb :(( also lmk if you dont want to be tagged for stuff like this, sorry again if u do
i can make veggie khuushuur, cake and tuna onigiri if anyone is interested? or i can swap the khuushuur with some borscht, we all can’t survive on just snacks and sugary things people. i WILL act as the grandma and feed you till you pop
I shall bring egg rolls, pancit, and my dad's GOD TIER chocolate chip cookies! Maybe some beef stroganoff too since whenever he makes it ALMOST EVERYONE GOES FOR SECONDS!
I don't know who to tag so everyone who is just seeing this for the first time, get in here! We're making this the biggest picnic/potluck the world has ever seen!!!!!
Never touch innocent readers' things...(Or as I like to call it "Scaramouche fucks around and finds out.")
To the Harbingers, reader is just the most sweetest thing to ever enter their lives. To Scaramouche, he thinks it's all a facade the reader puts on to get what she wants.
Which is why he had the great idea to snoop into their room to find his evidence to prove it.
So far, he had just found nothing of the sorts?! He has tried searching everywhere. To the reader's closet to under their bed. But so far, NOTHING!
Nothing but a worn out baby blanket splayed out neatly on their bed. "Oh well, might be better to blackmail the pesky thing anyone", he thought to himself before reaching for the blanket...
...Until a strong yet small hand grabbed his porcelain wrist tightly before he could even touch a single thread.
"Who in the Abyss dares to touch m-", Scaramouche hisses before he looks at his captor. Which is the reader themselves looking at the Balladeer with a dead eyed stare that was SO far off from their usual self.
"Touch my baby blanket, Balladeer. And you WILL be sent to your mother in parts starting off with your decapitated head and your cock in your mouth. Is. That. Clear?" They hissed at him, gripping the male's hand so tightly that there were cracks forming into his false skin. Not even getting a word in before the reader pushes him out of their room.
"Next time, ask before coming into someone's room, okay? Okay!" They say in a cheerful tone with a smile that was off before slamming the door right behind him.
Scaramouche learned two things that day, that the human ran on something else that was DEFINITELY not normal... and that the other Harbingers knew of the reader's beloved treasure.
Yeah... apparently Childe found out about it first, cooing while holding it cause he thought it was adorable that the reader held something close to their childhood, THEN PROCEEDED TO BE THROWN OUT THE WINDOW BY THE READER THEMSELVES RIGHT IN FRONT OF THE HARBINGERS!!!
Yeah... this is DEFINITELY not inspired by some of my life. *holding a baby blanket right now...* SHUSH!
My sane side in my mind: istg, if she finds another male to simp for, I'm gonna lose it.
Possibly ADHD side: *kicks down door holding Milton from Mr. A's farm with an innocent smile* I FOUND HOT TITTY COW MAN! CAN WE KEEP HIM?!
Sane: WTF?! We've just started simping over Alucard from Castlevania! WHERE DID HE COME FROM?!!!!
ADHD: ... not gonna say anything except for... Nobu.
Sane: ... how do you have most control of Jewel's brain again???
ADHD: Through hot fictional men and PTSD! :D
Sane: ... Where is our best friend with her four cats when you need her...
______________________________________________
Before anyone asks, Jewel is just a nickname my friends and family call me! I'm not putting my real name on this platform for the sake of I don't wanna reveal to much of myself.. or be doxxed. My friend group also calls me "Little Mouse" because of how quiet I am and how much I love food.
(Spoilers for the last chapters of the summer event)
Me when the event starter: Awwwwww! Look how cute the birdies are with the boys and Mephisto. :)
*
*
Me after finishing the final chapters: WHAT THE HELL DO YOU MEAN I CAN'T KEEP MY BIRDIES?! LOOK AT HOW SAD MEPHISTO IS WITHOUT HIS BROTHER!!!!!!!! GIVE ME MY BABIES BACK INFOLD!!!!!! 😭😭😭😭😭😭😭
(Also the names of my birdies just cause.)
Xavier - Aether
Zayne - Thrain
Rafayel - Lyney
Sylus - Zandik
Caleb - Ororon
(Yes, they're named after characters in Genshin Impact)
(Based on how my own dad kind of looks like Capitano.💀💀💀)
●When innocent reader asks for the Fatui Harbingers to meet her dad. They were quite concerned/afraid. Mostly because over half of them are not even close to sane *cough* Dottore *cough*. But with some pleading on the reader's end and some convincing from The Rooster because the old male has met their father. They reluctantly went...
And boy, they were not prepared to face the similarity between an old man and a certain Captain...
●When the Harbingers finally met her dad, who was dressed in his flamestrider (motorcycle) gear. They thought he was going to be hard to talk to. They were wrong, he was quite talkative. Making jokes and telling stories of a mischievous baby reader and her siblings (much to the reader's displeasure). Until the 11th pointed it out...
Childe: "Ya know, you kind of remind me of someone, sir."
Innocent reader's dad: "Really, like who?"
Childe: "With all your fight stories in your younger days,the black gear and blue eyes. I could mistake you for Capitano!"
●The whole room preceeded to go silent as every Harbinger looked at the 1st and the reader's dad multiple times. Until eventually someone said something... that someone being the reader themselves.
Reader: "...you owe me 500 mora now dad."
Reader's dad: "Dammit."
●Yeah, apparently reader told her dad of the similarities to Il Capitano before the Harbingers met him. They are innocent sure, but they were not oblivious to the obvious. And the Harbingers reactions? They were mostly creeped out because they could see it. Except Tartaglia, he just wanted to fight him to see if their dad was as strong as the Captain.
●And Capitano himself? He saw it the first time he walked into the door. He absolutely HATED the resemblance. Which is why he refused to speak to him until reader hugged and soothed the poor 500 year old male. Reader eventually had to make some sweets when they got back to the Palace too because the Captain was pouty the entire time (even though he says he wasn't).
Once again. This was another imagine on my mind. And I'm not lying. My dad does look like Capitano except for the short brown hair and dad bod. Believe me,I absolutely hated when I realized it.... k bye.
Gods, why do I have imagines that make me go feral.
Hear me out... the Fatui Harbingers with a reader who's so innocently sweet it gives them heartburn... and has big boba like eyes. Kind of like my "Heart of Gold" post I made idk how long ago.
●The first harbinger who would meet the reader would surprisingly be Pantalone of all people. Poor reader would ABSOLUTELY be coddled by him. Giving them anything they desire, but the reader doesn't want anything. And when The Regrator asks, they just go...
Reader:"But I already have everything I want standing in front of me." ●v●, -v-, ●v●.
Pantalone: *Immediately falls to the floor foaming at the mouth and teary eyed from how cute they are.* "I don't know what I did to deserve your sweet sweet heart..."
●Sadly, The Regrator's private time with reader would fall short after they ask to meet his colleagues. At first, Pantalone says no, but one sad droopy eyed look from the reader has his banker heart clenching inside his chest. Giving in and begrudgingly letting the reader meet the very much unstable group of Harbingers. And boy, almost all of them dropped like flies for the sweet reader. With Childe and Columbia being the first to go.
Columbina: *Cooing and squishing at the reader's cheeks*. "My, my, no wonder The Regrator was keeping you all to himself! You are just so adorable!"
Reader: "Hehehe, thank you! You are very pretty too, miss angel!"
●Yeah... The Damselette immediately got cuteness aggression after that innocent compliment. While Tartaglia was pouting against the wall since he wants to dote on the reader too, but is still VERY much creeped out by the number 3 Harbinger.
●Unfortunately, most of the Fatui Harbingers didn't like the reader at first since most of their hearts were closed off or preferred to keep to themselves. With the list being of Pierro, Dottore, Signora, Sandrone, Scaramouche, and surprisingly Capitano. Though an innocent reader got a few of their hearts to melt with questions of their passions or their history. With a few examples like Dottore or Pierro.
Dottore, who was working on some... very concerning experiments when the reader had snuck in.
Reader: "What happens if you pour too much abyssal energy into someone?"
Dottore: "They either explode or lose their minds."
Reader: "Cool... can I watch you explode someone with it???"
Dottore with a sly grin growing on his face: "Ooooo, someone likes to get bloody! But of course! It has been a while since I made a living explosion."
●Let's just say Pantalone was petrified when he saw the reader covered in blood and a grin stuck on Dottore's face. As for Pierro... let's say he was working on paperwork when the reader asked him their innocent questions...
Reader: "You're from Khaenri'ah, right?"
Pierro: "Yes, what wrong with that, child?"
Reader: "N-Nothing! I just... wanted to know if there's any sweets I could make from there. I want to make The Captain some because I though maybe making something from his past would give him the appetite to eat something. Since I've never seen him eat anything..."
Pierro: *A small smile growing on his face*. "You wish to know of any Khaenri'ahns sweets... to help Capitano? Very well then."
●The reader was able to make the sweets for Capitano and made some extra for Pierro as a thanks. Let's just say that both of the old males were very close to crying from the nostalgia of the desserts and from the reader thinking of them.
(Little note, Scaramouche still does not like reader. But a whole lot of glares from every single harbinger made the Balladeer tolerate them... at best.)
So now you know that if you every harm the innocent reader, you would DEFINITELY need to write a will fast because you would be hunted down and killed by every harbinger in a slow and painful way. And the Tsaritsa's thoughts on them? She very much approves of them since they're able to get the harbingers to stop them from killing each other just to spend time with them with one sad stare.
(GODS, WHY DO I LOVE THE FATUI HARBINGERS SO. FREAKING. MUCH????!!!!!)
More menace reader to the Fatui Harbingers... because why not.
(In the Tsaritsa's palace)
Pierro: You're Majesty, I hate to ask... but why is the menace sitting in your lap?
Tsaritsa: Because they are warm to the touch and great to hold... also because they miss being in Capitano's lap.
Sad reader curled up in the Cryo Archon's lap while sipping on a frappe from Fontaine: *sniffles* I miss my giant terrifying Captain. *Proceeds to sip sadly.*
Pierro thinking to himself: *Maybe I shouldn't tell her of the plan to get back at the Shade of Death...*
(In Fontaine after Childe gets thrown into prison)
Guard: Monsieur Neuvillette! We just received a threat letter from Snezhnaya!
Neuvillette: What does it read?
Guard: Most of it is ineligible to read, but with help from Miss Charlotte, she translated it to... "If I don't find my chaos buddy out of prison by the time I get there, I will dropkick the Hydro Archon herself into the damn abyss!"
Neuvillette: Doesn't sound that threating. I'll just send for the guards to arrest this person once they arrive for threating Furina.
Guard: It also says something about... revealing the Hydro Dragon's identity if we try anything...
Neuvillette: ...What's the current status of Mr. Childe in the the Fortress of Meropide???
Guard: Um... currently missing, Monsieur. *sheepish smile*
Neuvillette: ...*Proceeds to rain very heavily from fear*
(Menace reader 100 percent wrote the letter with slang from Earth. I also headcanon Childe and Reader being chaos buddies by brutally tearing apart anything that stands in their way.)
(During the battle of Natlan where the orb was above the stadium)
Ororon: Chaos and emptiness. So that's the Aby-
ABYSS ORB PROCEEDS TO BE FUCKING DESTROYED BY A BLOODY ROCKET LAUNCHER!
Almost everyone in Natlan: ... What?!
Reader sitting on a cliff with a rocket launcher next to them: *grinning while sipping on a Fonta* Heheheh, you ain't getting no death today, Ronova. Not unless I have a say! >:)
Capitano: ...I should've known bringing them along was a bad idea...
Mavuika: WHAT IN THE ARCHON'S NAMES WAS THAT?! Also, do they have more? I want five to attach them to my flamestrider.
And that was all I can think of. Sorry if it's a bit OC. The dividers do not belong to me! I just searched up "Genshin headers" on GIF and that showed up... OK bye! :)
