The kind of girl who’s gonna make you wonder who you are and

[psychology-daily]

Psychology Daily - Quotes

[imonroe-blog1]

To fuse or not to fuse

#SELF RESPECT #LOVE #RELATIONSHIPS

For the first time I truly felt something for Roan. I really like him. He is terribly exciting to me, I’ve never met someone who affect me that strongly on this level. And it’s all in a good way because he isn’t with me just for the sex, in fact he is the one to often suggest we do other things, like go to a museum or visit a new place.

So now I feel starting to grow in me the desire for fusion, and I know this time that I mustn’t let it take over. I must make a clear distinction between our moments together and my own space and time. I have to keep my own interests and focus on myself when he is absent. And I believe this time I can do this, of course it isn’t the most comfortable option because I still have in mind the old model trying to alienate my mind and bring me back to what I knew. And also because with the depressive state I have lived and am only just emerging from, I am still emerged in a world I find obscure, and where I need to figure out what I like and want out of it. I need to accept that what we have at the present is exactly what I need and that more would be too much. It’s not easy but I know it is worth it for it will protect me from inflicting unnecessary pain on myself (jealousy, expecting too much, waiting for messages, not feeling good in his absence, etc…) and because it will allow me to accomplish myself and give myself the central position that I deserve in my own life. And this way know how to take care by myself of my body, my wants and needs and take in hand my own projects rather than stay in a passive, stagnation state like I have for the last four years of my life, what a coincidence, exactly the amount of time I have spent with my ex, Lavi.

By the way even when in his presence I should think of myself, be sure to install good habits who knows, if one day we live together, I need to be able to be alone even in his presence, able to put my needs first and keep my personal wants in mind so I can keep progressing on my own projects. So yeah, it is an effort, it would be way easier to focus all my attention on someone else. And unfortunately, this is something considered ‘good’ on the outside (by society) because the opposite is considered selfish. But once you know where this leads, you no longer wish to inflict this upon yourself. Nor on someone else. This is bad as much for you as it is for him and for the relationship.

Two full, accomplished human beings is something far more rich and healthy than two halves who when on their own loose their capacity to: make decisions, enjoy the little things for themselves (and not because they wish to share them with the partner), feel comfortable even alone, connect with someone else. Two halves who are obsessed by the desire to share everything rather then rejoice on the moment, who are unable to live in the present when the other is absent.

In the end, they will have so much more to share and bring to one another, you tell me, isn’t this an infinitely more generous way to live a relationship?

[imonroe-blog1]

The right reasons

I am still seeing Roan and often I want to see him, maybe a bit too often, and I feel that it isn’t always for the right reasons. It’s because of my situation right now, I don’t really have a lot of social life and my career is on hold and I have been experiencing depression, so I wanted to find a way to be sure that I want to see HIM and not try to fill in another need by his presence, which would be unhealthy for both of us.

Bad  reasons and how  to detect them

1- Because I feel  lonely (sometimes associated with sexual desire when loneliness  is met with the romantic attention desire)

Ask yourself:  Would I need/want to see him as much if I were enjoying some quality time right now with some friends or family members? Would I still feel the need to see him?

2- Because I want  romantic attention

Ask yourself:  Would I feel better if I were getting some attention from guys at a bar right  now? Looks, comments, and approaches. Would I still feel the need to see him?

3- Because I am  bored and too lazy or discouraged to find my own way to excitement

Imagine a life  where you are fulfilled by personal achievements such as for me successful  appointments with patients in psychology, and lots of social life with my  friends, trips, good food, fun activities and stimulation. Would I still feel  the need to see him?

So what are the right reasons? These are some hypotheses:

Because you are curious to learn more about him.

Because you have feelings for him, a physical attraction and a deeper connection with him then with others and you want to share things with this person.

Because he inspires you, or makes you happy, you like the way he does things in life.

[imonroe-blog1]

#3. The attention seeker

Everyone likes to be praised and to please others right? Women do even more, it’s what we are raised to do, please others. In college I had a group of friends, with one girl friend and about 3 to 5 guys depending on the day. I also hung out with two other smaller groups of friends that were all guys. It was all fun and games, and I was very naive back then. Little by little I was astonished to find out that all of the guys in the group had a crush on me. And as I found this out, my confidence grew. I felt very special and superior in a way. I started to love the attention and I would go out three nights a week to the local bars and dance and meet new guys and have a wonderful time just being myself and watching the desire grow in their eyes. It was a hell of a good time and it didn’t really come with that many bad consequences back then. Except that girls felt threatened by me and I didn’t have many true friends if any. I found out my girl friendships were actually very twisted, and they didn’t end well. We were there to have fun and share good times with the guys but whenever I felt down it made them feel better and they would criticize and try to control me in weird ways. On the day of my birthday, I had arranged to meet with the group for dinner and my ‘friend’ went to them behind my back and cancelled our plans. I had no idea and was very upset to find they didn’t come to dinner, finding myself alone with her and crying on my birthday. I didn’t have a phone back then. I found out through the group later that it was she who had cancelled. I clearly had made a poor choice of friends. I later met Lavi, and had a wonderful 4 year relationship with him. But all through this relationship I felt withdrawal symptoms. I felt less alive and less worthy because I didn’t have the opportunity to go out as much and have connection with men who were deeply affected by my looks and personality. I never got over it and the day I met Roan, who was incredibly affected by my person, I was unable to resist. The desire to live fully again, to have that intense feeling of desire and passion, to feel incredibly special to someone and to discover a whole new human being was too overwhelming. Even though I deeply loved Lavi, and had only just met this new person, the choice was made before I could process it. I’m now building something with this new person and I am wondering where this will lead me. I wonder if I am living through my addiction to attention or something that could lead to a real relationship and is that what I want anyway?

I have a lot of doubts within about building something new so soon. I am enjoying the time I spend with Roan, I am incredibly attracted to him but I know that my happiness must come from within. And at the moment I feel empty, broken and depressed when I am alone. I have no motivation and no spark. I cannot build a new liaison based on such a broken self, I need to find peace first, concentrate on my needs and finding things that will make me personally happy. It’s so easy to just go around and feel better because of the attention I get from men, but this is not going to make me progress, it’s a terrible trap. Seeing Roan these days is only diving into a sweet illusion that becomes destructive when I am on my own again. It’s a distraction from my inner suffering and it will only make me stagnate longer in this unstable, broken state. It is the ideal and irresistible escape from the very difficult work I have to confront myself with.

And so I am afraid that I might have to make the terribly difficult decision to stop seeing Roan. Even though I am starting to feel things for him and he is too.

What do you think?

[imonroe-blog1]

Everyone is judging, so do whatever the fuck you want

[imonroe-blog1]

One of the first conditions of happiness is that the link between Man and Nature shall not be broken

Leo Tolstoy

[violentwavesofemotion-deactivat]

A power pushes me toward a purpose I do not know.

Nikos Kazantzakis, from “Journeying: travels in Italy, Egypt, Sinai, Jerusalem and Cyprus,” (via violentwavesofemotion)

[quotes-motivational]

[imonroe-blog1]

The most efficient way to be beautiful is to be honest, confident and authentically yourself.

[imonroe-blog1]

#2. Take care of your body as if it were a whole other person

Because of the inner conflict I have been living, I have been feeling very disconnected from my body and I have not been caring at all to it. I take no pleasure in eating, I am terribly afraid of getting sick and feeling pain (=no trust) and I am angry against it, I don’t exercise, I don’t care about posture, I sleep half as good as I used to… Something that is helping me at the moment is to see my body differently as I used to. I am finally starting to give it the attention it deserves.

Try to see it this way:

Your body is part of your environment, it’s not you, it’s actually quite separate. It is our envelope and it interacts with us. Once you have experienced strong pain or chronic pain you will see this more clearly, you might be angry at your body because you have no control whatsoever on how you feel. Well here is the thing, you have to cherish and take care of your body if you want it to interact positively with you. See it as your most important pet. It needs fresh air, bright light, some exercise, good natural and diverse foods, some peace and love, and also a good rest at the end of the day and most of all it needs you to listen to it and trust it. You must take care of your body in priority. It is your most direct environment and most precious ally and deserves all the love you can give it. Neglecting it because you think you are not pretty enough or you ‘don’t have time’ or are angry against yourself is just going to create an internal conflict between your body and your mind that will create chronic pain or disease and discomfort. Your body knows it deserves your attention and love and it will ask for it if you neglect it, sometimes in the worst ways. Don’t see it as taking care of yourself, see it as taking care of your closest, most dependent relative.

[imonroe-blog1]

Feel the fear and do it anyway

[imonroe-blog1]

#1. Instinct

I found this out the hard way…

For four years, I’ve been in a loving romantic relationship with one of those perfect men, Lavi. He is beautiful, incredibly loving, very smart and ambitious. We used to have very deep discussions and share the same desires: to have a dog, to grow our own food, to live in several countries and live thoughtfully with meaning… His flaws were not real flaws to me. He would do anything for me and he had not a single doubt that I was the one. And I loved him too, immensely. Inside of me though, and this started after year 1, there was a little voice that would ask me these poisonous words ‘Is this it?’. With him everything was incredibly safe and secure, and I also felt as if I had vanished from the surface of the real world, the one of risk, intensity, uncertainty and passion. But my love for him was so great I couldn’t listen. I would make that little voice shut up. After 4 years, much like in the myth of Persephone who tasted the pomegranate of the underworld and became forever imprisoned thereafter into this world, I tasted a bit of incredibly intense sexual passion. I met someone, Roan, and we had this incredible chemistry. The first time we found each other alone together time flied and we kept trying to see each other again that same day, we saw each other 3 times and parting was very difficult, that evening my body was trembling with desire and my head was completely cloudy. I couldn’t think straight about any sort of consequence, completely obsessed by my desire and my body just happily dove in. The morning after, I sent a message to my partner, telling him that I was feeling desire for someone else and that I needed a pause in our relationship. You can imagine that didn’t go too well. It took two or three days for my head to become clear again. There goes the descent. The descent into the underworld. There is no going back. Not only did I feel horribly guilty but I still couldn’t forget the desire I had for Roan and my love for Lavi was untouched.

I saw Roan again, hoping that the desire could be consumed and would vanish but it just grew… And I tried not seeing Roan and going back to Lavi, which was the most heartbreaking experience. Lavi was happy to have me back, he forgave me, he loved me. I loved him. The first morning when I woke up next to him, I could feel it. The underworld was calling for me. I had this painful feeling of displacement, like ‘you don’t belong here’. I couldn’t believe it, my body was telling me to get away from my loved one, from the man who has shared every night, meal, sadness, adventure and love with me for four years. The man I had lived with in 5 different areas of the world, the man who knew every inch of my soul and body, the man I wanted to have my children with. I felt like my body was betraying me. A true disconnection with my inner self. I didn’t understand. I stayed one more day and one more night with him. That second morning I felt the same feeling, only harder and it actually crushed my stomach with pain. I knew I had to leave. Lavi tried to stop me, he cried and he begged and he carried me into his arms saying he couldn’t loose me. I cried and I screamed at the top of my lungs that day with pain. I have never felt such despair. It has been two months, and to this day I still love Lavi and I still think of him every day and I hope more than anything that one day my body will let me get back with him. Since then I am in a continuous fight with myself, I cannot let go of Lavi and yet I cannot be with him, not now. I wonder if I will ever be able to. That’s the scariest thought.

So everything might seem like a choice, and sure you can judge me for giving in to my desires. But I honestly didn’t have a choice, my body chose regardless of the consequences, by clouding my consciousness it tricked me into tasting the forbidden.

If you have lived anything similar, I would really like to hear your story, don’t hesitate to contact me or just comment the post. I wish to know more about the power of instinct and the different forms it can take to shape us to its desires.

[imonroe-blog1]

The kind of girl who’s gonna make you wonder who you are and who you been

So I’m pretty much the most clueless person you could meet and yet I feel like I’m also extremely real. Real because I’m willing to jump in that river, I’m willing to go talk to that stranger, I’m ready to ask the hard questions and dig deep to uncover some truth. “The kind of girl who’s gonna make you wonder who you are and who you been.” (ref. lana del rey)

I’ve been through immense pain recently and I’m ready to start living again. For this I need to start projects. The first project is to blog about what I’m going through, I haven’t found a single soul around me that had lived what I’m living so here it goes.

I wish to keep anonymous, for I don’t want to hurt anyone I know personally.

So who am I?

I’m a young women, one of the ones you might call ‘a catch’. I’m brave, honest, intense, and passionate, I am kind, unpredictable and rebellious. I have to admit, I am quite the trouble maker. I’m also very lost at the moment, but my project is simple: find out who I am and what I want in life.

Maybe this description will help you describe yourself as well, rather than thinking of a job, a name, a status or possessions, think of what you bring to your friends and loved ones, think of how you deal with events and problems, think of who you really are deep inside, what are your flaws and your strengths? What’s your goal? What’s your reason for getting up every morning?

For this I’ve been doing quite the amount of research and experimentation and have often been hit by revelations. This is where I hope you will uncover the depth of treasures this blog could harbor for you. I hope it will help you better understand who you are, and make you come out of that comfort zone which is keeping you half alive.

I’m not sure how to start. Maybe I’ll go by revelations and tell the story bellow them.