ramblings of a mad enby

[seven-oh-four]

) <- super parenthesis. reblog to close all parentheticals you opened and forgot to close in your life and return to equilibrium

[imrambling]

"Studies have been conducted to determine if you're likely to get any bitches. (Knott et al.)"

[imrambling]

,,,,,chameleon

[imrambling]

hope

things are looking up again

and for a change, what's looming on the horizon

isn't storms of dread

but the spring showers of a new beginning

of life

of love

of freedom

and as i wait and watch

i'm learning to love here and now too

...

i often write of the storms, the hurricanes, the times when i'm pulled down or stuck

but life is so much more

...

you don't have to keep your head up

if that's too much right now.

just don't give up hope.

[trans-girls-who-eat-dominos]

The tension in here is unbelievable

[trans-girls-who-eat-subway]

so... you you wanna DOMinos my SUBway?

[imrambling]

heartstopper is a coming-of-age story about two people overcoming their differences in opinion and learning that it doesn't matter whether you're a converse person or a vans person, we can still live in harmony. oh, and there's some gay undertones, which is nice.

but mainly the shoe thing.

[imrambling]

joy is dead

what's the point in a time of year

dedicated to stress?

dedicated to material desires and pressure to deliver?

dedicated to basing one's worth on their ability to gift the right thing?

why did we take a time of year

dedicated to joy

dedicated to closeness with those you love

dedicated to the importance of recognising and appreciating what-- and who-- you have

and remove the joy?

remove the closeness?

remove the recognisation and appreciation?

turn it into a material commercial gauntlet of stress and anxiety?

...

it feels like joy is dead.

i know it's not.

i know it's in the world around us

it's in the time spent doing things we love

being with people we love

and letting that speak for itself.

joy isn't dead.

but

the way people see things is broken.

...

i just need to be able to breathe.

you understand.

don't you?

[imrambling]

hurricane

TW: death, including multiple (not very violent) methods of death

i don't know if i'm drowning or suffocating or being crushed or whatever else, but i do know there's a storm here and it's only getting stronger. i'm on the edge of a hurricane that's coming straight for me, except this one doesn't even have an eye. it's a continuous torment that's only just beginning. they come every year, but this one seems stronger, with more rain weighing down the clouds. the better to drown me, torture me, kill me with, my dear.

i wish they'd just let me move out of the way. but they're the one sending the hurricane instead. they *are* the hurricane.

so i find myself trying to build little structures, whatever i can make to try to stay safe. i go to you for help, for a temporary shelter, but i know you can't keep me safe forever.

or maybe you can? but that's a lot to ask. the hurricane isn't so terrible that i have to burden you with the responsibility of sheltering me from it. you've probably got enough to deal with without me adding to it.

i'll weather it on my own, i guess.

somehow.

[imrambling]

off

and all of a sudden, everything's off.

again.

but not in the same way as before.

this time things feel weird and unfamiliar, but in a sort of fresh way. like a poison sap-- sweet yet toxic.

like the calm before a storm.

i just hope lunch gets here before the storm does.

[frauggiethecreature]

reblog if you fully and intentionally are referring to aspec people as well when you use the word queer to refer to the community

clarification in tags

[imrambling]

hiding

i'm hiding.

i sort of want them to come find me. prove they notice. prove they care.

but i also sort of don't.

they've never come looking before. why should they now?

besides, i don't think i want them to see me here. they wouldn't understand.

they'd give false offerings of hope and help, and then they'd move along as if nothing were different.

to them, nothing would be different.

...

so i think i'd rather stay hidden.

this way i can keep my hiding spot safe. untouched and untainted.

only you and i know where i hide.

...

it's safer this way.

[imrambling]

why?

why can't i feel normal?

no, that's not right.

but... i feel wrong, out of place, unwanted, unaccepted around people. not everyone. but most people.

there are very few people i actually feel comfortable with. accepted with. loved with.

my family is supposed to be those people, too... but it just feels draining to be around them.

why?

why can't i feel the way i'm supposed to?

why do i have to keep spending my time in situations that drain me of all my energy?

...

i want to spend my time with the people who actually make me feel at home.

i want to spend my time with you.

[imrambling]

rest

people look peaceful when they sleep. or at least, they're supposed to.

you don't.

i can't tell if you're actually asleep, but your eyes have been closed for ages.

either way, the stress is still etched all over your face.

it breaks my heart.

if you can't rest even when you sleep, how do you keep going when you're awake?

...

how do you keep going?

[imrambling]

sometimes

sometimes i hold people so close

that i think they must feel

i'm suffocating them.

sometimes i keep my distance

because i can't ruin

what i don't touch.

and sometimes i disappear entirely,

leaving only my shell behind

while i wander another plane.

sometimes while i'm there,

gone to another realm

deep within or far away,

i realise i'm still contemplating

all the same thoughts

as before.

...

and sometimes, very rarely,

i find someone who accepts all this,

and stays, and loves me

throughout every 'sometimes.'

...

i love you <3

[imrambling]

you can fly.

- Tori Spring from Solitaire by Alice Oseman

[imrambling]

welcome

so i guess i'm here now. this is interesting. i'm going to be using this blog as an outlet, because right now i really need one. the goal isn't to be funny or interesting or profound, or even to make people like me. i just want a way to let out my thoughts and emotions that are crawling around my brain before they eat me alive from the inside out.

so, uh, welcome. i guess.