Nobody Is Straight

Jokes to ease your broken hearts (Queue set to 2 quotes/day)

[incorrect-mdzs]

Wei Wuxian: What is it?

Lan Wangji: Your shirt.

Wei Wuxian, looking down at his shirt: What’s wrong with it?

Lan Wangji: It’s still on you.

[incorrect-mdzs]

Jiang Cheng: Can you please stop calling peanut butter that?

Wei Wuxian: What's wrong with "sticky nut juice"?

Jiang Cheng: Everything. Every-fucking-thing.

[incorrect-mdzs]

Wei Wuxian: *sighs dramatically*

Lan Wangji: What’s wrong?

Wei Wuxian: You haven’t looked at me for ten minutes.

Lan Wangji: ... We’re watching a movie.

Wei Wuxian: Did I ask for an excuse?

[incorrect-mdzs]

Nie Mingjue: Can someone please take care of Lan Xichen? He is not handling his alcohol very well.

Jin Guangyao: Oh, come on! He’s not that bad!

Lan Xichen: *looking at a mirror* Are you a 45 degree angle? Because you’re acute-y!!!

Jin Guangyao: I take back what I said.

[incorrect-mdzs]

Wen Ning: ... Hey, is it cool if I have a panic attack in your bathroom?

[incorrect-mdzs]

*CRASH*

Jiang Cheng: What was that?

Wen Ning, from the other room: My shirt fell--

Jiang Cheng: It sounded louder than that.

Wen Ning: I was still in it...

[incorrect-mdzs]

Lan Sizhui: You were hurt. Do you remember anything?

Jin Ling: Only the ambulance ride to the hospital.

Lan Sizhui: That wasn’t an ambulance, I called a car.

Jin Ling: But I heard a siren?

Lan Sizhui: That was Jingyi.

Lan Jingyi: I got nervous.

[incorrect-mdzs]

Jin Guangyao: Can you guys at least try to see this from my perspective?

Nie Mingjue: *crouches down*

Xue Yang: *gets on knees*

Jin Guangyao:

Jin Guangyao: I hope you both die

[incorrect-mdzs]

Wei Wuxian: I'll go for a walk somewhere I'm appreciated!

Jiang Cheng: That'll be a long walk.

[incorrect-mdzs]

Jiang Cheng: I would ask what you’re up to Wei Wuxian, but then it occurred to me-

Jiang Cheng: I don’t care.

[incorrect-mdzs]

Nie Huaisang: What do I want? Snuggles. What do I receive? Struggles.

[incorrect-mdzs]

Wei Wuxian: I’m so thirsty right now.

Lan Wangji: For water, or for dick? Because I have both.

Wei Wuxian: Pee.

[incorrect-mdzs]

Jiang Cheng: So, what are your goals?

Wei Wuxian: I’ve been banned from every major city’s public transportation system except Melbourne, Australia. I don’t know what their limit is but I will fucking find it.

[incorrect-mdzs]

Wei Wuxian: Solid skills and good manners to boot. How about becoming my foster son, A-Yuan?

Lan Sizhui: ... I think you should try fixing things with your real family first.

[incorrect-mdzs]

Interviewer: what’s the worst part about being a dad?

Jin Guangshan: the kids.

[incorrect-mdzs]

Wei Wuxian: What's that notebook for?

Lan Wangji: Oh, it's my to-do list.

Wei Wuxian: ... It only has my name written in it, though...

[incorrect-mdzs]

Nie Huaisang: Boy, blowjobs sure are a mouthful.

Jin Zixuan: Jeez, that pun was hard for me to swallow.

Wei Wuxian: Penis.

Jin Zixuan: Thanks for your contribution.