a guide to writing sex scenes that aren't cringe
okay so. sex scenes. we've all read something that made us want to fling a book into the ocean.
why most sex scenes are cringe:
the vocabulary problem—you're trying to be sexy but also not clinical but also not purple prose but also not too crude and you end up with shit like "his throbbing manhood" or "her secret garden" and we all want to die
the mechanics manual—"he put his hand here, then moved it there, then she shifted her leg to this angle"—congratulations you've written IKEA instructions for fucking
everyone's a pornstar—simultaneous orgasms every time, no awkwardness, no weird noises, no "wait hold on that angle hurts," nobody's ever tired or needs more lube or has to pee after
the cringe metaphors—"she exploded like fireworks" "he was a volcano of passion" "their bodies were like waves crashing" STOP. STOP IT RIGHT NOW.
no actual characterization—the sex could be between ANY two people, there's nothing specific to these characters, their dynamic, their baggage, their actual relationship
how to actually write sex that doesn't suck:
1. decide what sex is FOR in your story
these scenes can:
-reveal a personality
-shift the relationship dynamic
-advance the plot
-explore theme
-show emotional state
examples:
two characters finally fucking after 200 pages of tension is payoff
a grieving character having rough meaningless sex with a stranger shows their emotional state
a power dynamic shifting mid-scene is relationship development
someone's trauma response coming up during intimacy reveals a backstory without exposition
2. vocabulary: just pick a lane and commit
you basically have three options:
clinical—penis, vagina, anus, etc. this works if your narration style is already pretty direct and unflinching. it's not sexy but it's NOT SUPPOSED TO BE. sometimes sex isn't romantic, it's just fucking, and clinical language reflects that.
casual/crude—dick, cunt, ass, fuck, etc. this works for rough sex, for characters who aren't romantic about it, or for characters who think in blunt terms. it can be hot BECAUSE it's unpolished.
literary/purple—hardness, wetness, entering, etc. this is the hardest to pull off because it tips into cringe so easily. only use this if you're confident in your prose style.
and for the love of god, never:
manhood/womanhood
her sex (unless you're writing victorian erotica on purpose)
flower, garden or any other metaphor for female genitals
rod or staff (he's not a wizard)
3. the physical should reflect the emotional
this is the secret. this is IT.
sex is communication. every movement can tell you something about what's happening emotionally.
examples:
if they're desperate:
"he grabbed at her like he was drowning, fingers digging in hard enough to bruise"
if there's tenderness:
"she kissed him slow. they had all night and she wanted to memorize him"
if someone's dissociating:
"she stared at the ceiling and counted the cracks in the plaster while he moved above her"
if it's angry:
"he shoved her against the wall and she bit his lip hard enough to draw blood, both of them breathing hard and ready to kill each other"
see? the physical actions SHOW YOU the emotional reality. 'show, not tell' does wonders in smut too
4. include the awkward shit (sometimes)
real sex is not pornhub. it includes:
someone's elbow in someone's face
"wait that hurts"
weird squelching noises
having to shift positions because legs are cramping
laughing
stopping to grab a towel or more lube
someone's phone ringing at the worst moment
the condom breaking
neither person finishing, or only one person finishing
post-sex cleanup that isn't sexy at all
you don't have to include ALL of this every time, but including some of it makes it feel real. and realness is often hotter than fantasy because it's specific and human.
5. dirty talk: yes or no?
depends on your characters. some people talk during sex, some don't.
if they DO talk:
people don't make full sentences during sex usually
sometimes it's just fragments: "fuck—yes—there—"
bad dirty talk: generic porn lines that could be anyone
good dirty talk: something that could ONLY be these two people
6. the orgasm problem
real talk: most people with vaginas don't come from penetration alone. if your female character is having PIV sex and coming every single time with no other stimulation, that's inaccurate. which is FINE, but be aware of it.
options:
include other stimulation (fingers, mouth, toys)
have her not come (revolutionary concept!)
have them do other things that aren't PIV
acknowledge that sometimes sex is good even without orgasm
also: simultaneous orgasms are rare. it's okay for people to finish at different times. it's okay for someone to help their partner finish after they're already done. this is NORMAL.
7. aftermath matters
don't end the scene the second someone comes. the aftermath is often more intimate than the sex itself.
do they stay tangled together or immediately separate?
do they talk or go silent?
is there tenderness or regret or awkwardness?
who gets up first?
is there pillowtalk or do they pass out?
this is where you show the relationship dynamic. this is where consequences happen.
9. hetero vs gay vs lesbian sex
okay so here's the thing: some writers think it's just "hetero sex but swap the genders" and that's... not how it works.
HETERO SEX:
penis-in-vagina is treated as "real sex" and everything else is "foreplay" (which is bullshit but that's the cultural framework).
common mistakes writers make:
assuming PIV is always the main event
ignoring that most women need clitoral stimulation to come
making it weirdly mechanical and focused on the man's orgasm
the guy always being dominant and experienced, the woman submissive and less experienced
what to remember:
women's bodies need time to warm up (arousal isn't instant)
lube exists and should be normalised
plenty of hetero couples do anal, use toys, have the woman on top, etc. don't be boring
GAY SEX (m/m):
this is where straight women writing m/m romance can fuck up.
common mistakes:
the "who's the woman?" mentality (there is no woman, that's the point)
making one guy super feminine/submissive and one super masc/dominant with no switching or complexity
unrealistic anal (no prep, no lube, just rams it in and it feels amazing immediately—NOPE)
everyone bottoms like a pornstar with zero discomfort
real talk about gay sex:
anal requires prep. fingers first and going slowly. lube is MANDATORY. the ass does not self-lubricate. if they're fucking without lube that's a recipe for tearing and pain.
positions matter. bottoming takes practice and relaxation. a character who's never done it before isn't going to be riding dick like a champion immediately.
not everyone likes anal. plenty of gay men have sex that doesn't involve anal like oral, mutual masturbation or frotting.
top/bottom/vers exists and it's not a personality type. a bottom isn't automatically feminine or submissive. a top isn't automatically the "man" in the relationship. these are sex positions, not gender roles!
switching is common. plenty of couples don't have fixed roles.
refractory period is real. unlike in fanfic, most dicks need recovery time between rounds.
specific things that work differently:
prostate stimulation feels different than other stimulation
cum is involved differently—you're not worried about pregnancy but you ARE worried about STIs
the mechanics of two male bodies is different (more similar height/build usually, different strength dynamics)
LESBIAN SEX (f/f):
because there's no penis involved, some people literally don't know what to write.
common mistakes:
ignoring that it takes longer for most women to get fully aroused
making it weirdly soft and romantic with no rawness or hunger (lesbians can fuck rough too!)
the "which one is the guy?" shit again (NEITHER)
real talk about lesbian sex:
other than oral, there's fingering, grinding, tribbing, toys, hands, etc.
arousal takes time. more foreplay and more buildup. bodies need to warm up.
wetness varies. some women get very wet, some don't. lube is still helpful.
the clit is the center of everything. external stimulation is usually key.
fingers matter. nail length matters. if someone has long nails and is fingering someone, that's a problem. trim them or be careful.
specific things that work differently:
strap-ons exist. if you include them, remember: the person wearing it doesn't feel physical sensation from it the same way. they feel pressure but it's not like having a dick.
no refractory period usually—multiple orgasms are more common/possible
it often takes LONGER because female arousal works differently
there's less of a "finish line". sex doesn't have to end when someone comes
menstruation exists and some couples don't care, some do.
And lastly:
safer sex exists. condoms, prep, IUD, birth control, STI discussion... you don't have to include it but these things exist and can be just as hot.
now you can go forth and be a proper degenerate. have fun ;)
