incorrect guardians of the galaxy quotes

submissions are always welcome - posts are queued -

[incorrectgotgquotes]

[Quill calls Rocket on the phone]

Quill: Hello?

Rocket: Hey, what’s up?

Quill: I need your help, can you come here?

Rocket: Uh, I can’t, I’m buying clothes.

Quill: Alright, well hurry up and come over here.

Rocket: I can’t find them.

Quill: What do you mean you can’t find them?

Rocket: I can’t find them, there’s only soup.

Quill: What do you mean there’s only soup?

Rocket: It means there’s only soup.

Quill: Well then, get out of the soup aisle!

Rocket: Alright, you don’t have to shout at me!

[Rocket walks out of the soup aisle]

Rocket: There’s more soup!

Quill: What do you mean there’s more soup?!

Rocket: There’s just more soup

Quill: Go into the next aisle!

Rocket: There’s still soup!

Quill: Where are you right now?!

Rocket: I’m at Soup!

Quill: What do you mean you’re at Soup?!

Rocket: I mean I’m at Soup!

Quill: What store are you in?!

Rocket: I’m at the Soup Store!

Quill: Why are you buying clothes at the Soup Store?!

Rocket: Flark you!

[incorrectgotgquotes]

[Drax takes down a Sovereign ship]

Drax: Yes! Who kicks Sovereign butt? Drax kicks Sovereign butt.

Quill: Let’s not start kissing our own butts yet.

Drax: I didn’t even know that was possible.

[incorrectgotgquotes]

[Quill holds one of the baby raccoons they saved]

Rocket: Oh, Dick really likes you.

Quill: I like Dick.

Rocket: Ah-ha, you like dick! His name is not Dick you idiot, it’s Finn.

[incorrectgotgquotes]

[The Guardians fighting off bad guys as usual]

Gamora: Keep moving. Don’t let them surround you. Failure is not an option.

Peter: Technically, failure is always an option.

Rocket: You know what else is an option? Slapping you!

[incorrectgotgquotes]

Adam: I would have thought the team taking an interest in Earth Customs would make you happy.

Peter: Rocket thought he had found a community of animals in his situation. It was a furry forum.

Adam: Is that bad?

Peter: Well Rocket is moping around AND he won't talk to me because humans are "gross" so yeah pretty bad.

[incorrectgotgquotes]

[The Guardians had to suck up to Blackjack in exchange for his help]

Blackjack: Now you.

Rocket: I already did.

Blackjack: Now say I’m cool, and don’t lie.

Rocket: [strains]

The rest of the team: Rocket!

[incorrectgotgquotes]

[Guardians are in a dilemma]

Rocket: A fateful decision I am detailing in Chapter Nine “Congratulations, Quill, You Finally Got Me Killed.”

[incorrectgotgquotes]

Quill: So sad that Steve Jobs died of Ligma.

Rocket: Who the flark is Steve Jo-

Quill: LIGMA BALLS.

[incorrectgotgquotes]

Rocket: [After another one of Quill’s flirting attempts] Hear that? It's the sound of girls all over the galaxy running and rushing, just desperate to… lock their doors.

[incorrectgotgquotes]

Drax: Are you talking about demons?

Gamora: Oh no, something so much worse than demons…

Drax:

Gamora: Sisters.

[incorrectgotgquotes]

Peter: Sure, he's creepy, but we don't imprison people for being creepy

Rocket: Really? [turns on commlink] Hey Drax, you know that guy we have in the holding cell?

Drax: The creepy one?

Rocket: Yeah, you better let him go.

[incorrectgotgquotes]

Gamora: Peter, this is beautiful.

Peter Quill: And yet still only half as beautiful as you.

[incorrectgotgquotes]

Adam: I am not even a YEAR old yet. HOW AM I THE ONLY ONE HERE NOT CAUSING A SCENE?

Mantis: Peter's drunk, Someone wouldn't stop flirting with Gamora so she started a fight, Drax likes bar fights so he started a fight, Nebula saw everything go down so she's helping Gamora, Rocket cheated at gambling so the local mafia is after him, Groot is trying to keep him from taking on the entire mafia by himself, and I'm not stopping any of them because it's funny.

Adam: I hate all of you.

Mantis: That's fair.

[incorrectgotgquotes]

Rocket: Hey look buddy, I'm an engineer. That means I solve problems, not problems like "What is beauty?" Because that would fall within the purview of your conundrums of philosophy. I solve practical problems, for instance: "how am I going to stop some big mean mother flarker from tearing me a structurally superfluous new asshole?" The answer? ...Use a gun, and if that doesn't work...

Rocket: Use more gun.

[incorrectgotgquotes]

Nebula: I wish I wasn't so angry all the time.

Thanos: Then you would be nothing.

Nebula: I might have been happy.

Thanos: Happiness is nothing.

[incorrectgotgquotes]

Adam: How does one man have so many enemies?

Peter: I'm a people person!.. who drinks.

Adam: Ah.

[incorrectgotgquotes]

[Tony Stark and Stephen Strange won’t stop arguing]

Peter Quill: If I’m the one mediating, we’ve hit rock bottom.