the dad coalition™ speaks

(disclaimer: the san jose sharks have said approximately none of these things. the sentiments, however, have been expressed.)

[incorrectsanjosesharks]

Brent Burns: I am the smartest, most skilled member of this team.

Brenden Dillon: Is your hand stuck in that vending machine?

Brent Burns: I paid for my Rolos.

Brent Burns: I’m getting my Rolos.

[incorrectsanjosesharks]

Joe Pavelski: I don't really care where everyone ended up, but is everyone alive and not in jail?

Brent Burns: Not in jail

Joe Pavelski: Alive?

[incorrectsanjosesharks]

Jannik Hansen: I did what was expected of me, which was nothing.

[incorrectsanjosesharks]

Joe Thornton: You're going to have to try a little harder to insult me, I'm rarely paying attention.

[incorrectsanjosesharks]

Doug Wilson: *while signing Brandon Bollig* Instead of spending all your time trying to make things better and failing you can cut out the middleman and just make things worse

[incorrectsanjosesharks]

Doug Wilson: I will say one thing, and then I will say a whole bunch more one things after that first one thing

[incorrectsanjosesharks]

Joe Pavelski: Jumbo, are you okay?

Joe Thornton: Oh I’m fine. It’s just that, life is pointless and nothing matters and I’m always tired. Also I can’t sleep. I’m over eating. None of my old hobbies interest me.

Joe Pavelski: Ever since we lost the Finals against Pittsburgh, Jumbo’s self esteem has hit rock bottom. He’s always sad and sweaty. He’s usually happy and sweaty.

[incorrectsanjosesharks]

Joe Pavelski: You know those moments when I tell you something isn't a good idea-

Brent Burns: -and then I ignore you, yeah.

[incorrectsanjosesharks]

Peter DeBoer: I can’t believe you let Brent embarrass us like that.

Paul Martin: I didn’t let Brent do anything. This was his idea. I just aided and abetted.

[incorrectsanjosesharks]

David Schlemko: We’re so in sync! We finish each other’s…

Brenden Dillon: …

David Schlemko: …sssss-

Brenden Dillon: -sssomebody once told me -

[incorrectsanjosesharks]

Micheal Haley: Annoying and petty is the name of the game and I'm the MVP.

[incorrectsanjosesharks]

Joe Pavelski: Where are you going?

Brent Burns: To either get ice cream or commit a felony.

Joe Pavelski:

Brent Burns: I’ll decide in the car.

[incorrectsanjosesharks]

Joe Thornton: Fuck it. I'm going for it. You're only young once, right?

Patrick Marleau: You've been saying that for five years now. Let me know when the novelty wears off.

[incorrectsanjosesharks]

Joe Pavelski: A good captain goes down with the ship. I personally don't need a professional obligation to sink to the bottom of the ocean. I just do it.

[incorrectsanjosesharks]

Joe Pavelski: Don’t talk down to me.

Joe Thornton: Well I can hardly talk up to you. You’re too short.

[incorrectsanjosesharks]

Brent Burns: Maybe if I ever do become a counselor, I would just implement a kind of intensive meme therapy.

[incorrectsanjosesharks]

Timo Meier: I have grown and evolved a lot over the past five weeks since I was born