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@incorrectsitcomquotes
Teacher: Welcome to our new class, Let Women Go Feral. First, I would like to do a warm up exercise. I brought each of you a tiny pinta, break it open for the cand--
*Britta begins whacking her pinta against the desk*
*Shirley throws her pinta and it slams against the wall*
*Annie rips her pinta open with her bare hands and teeth*
Sam: *opens mouth*
Hetty: Sam, you couldn't be more wrong! You have it so easy! Back in my day--
*other ghosts start piping in and talking over each other*
Sam: *looks at an imaginary camera like she's in The Office*
Ava: Don't you dare tell anyone that. Please?
Janine: Of course I wouldn't tell anyone.
*Janine keeps Ava's secret*
...
Janine: Thanks for listening by the way. You didn't have to but you did. I don't really like to talk about it to others, but I think it helped.
Ava: I mean, it's pretty weird.
*Ava accidentally blabs to everyone about what Janine told her*
...
Melissa: Now, if Ava would have done that to Ice Pick Joe...she would have been in big trouble. So, just remember that kids. Repeat it with me.
Kids and Melissa: Snitches get stitches.
Jess: I said something awkward again and now everyone hates me.
Nick: Jess, like how bad could it be?
Jess: * leans over and whispers to Nick *
Nick: Okay, yeah, pretty bad...um, I wouldn't know how to respond to that frankly...I doubt everyone hates you for that though. More like they pity you and your socially awkward brain.
Jess: (sarcastic) Geez, thanks, Miller, I feel soooo much better.
Nick: Hey, at least you're not me. I embarrass myself everyday. Oh, I will do you one better, at least you're not Winston! He doesn't even realize that he's an embarrassment!
Jess: (sincere) Oddly, that does actually help.
Winston: I heard that!
Jess: I love you guys, but you all have the “Ick.”
Schmidt: What?! What does that mean?! You youths and your slang!
Cece: No, she’s right. Schmidt, you got that f boy ick all about you. It’s the weirdly aggressive flirting to get something out of it, but also it’s non-committal.
Nick: Ha, yeah, that’s totally you, Schmidt.
Jess: Nick, you have it, too. It’s the desperate boy hot mess ick for you.
Nick: Wha--
Cece: Yeah, you fall in love way to easily, but struggle to change your ways.
Jess: Like an ‘Oh, she can fix me” thing, but the thing is, you’re in denial that you want to be fixed even tho you are looking for a girl to do it.
Nick: I DON’T LIKE THIS ANYMORE!
Winston: Wait, me, what about me?! What about me?
Jess: Uh...
Cece: Honestly, your ick is that you kind of remind me of my grandma.
Jess: Yeah...that’s pretty much it.
Winston: I don’t see how that’s an ick, but okay.
* group stares at him *
Kenneth: Sometimes I feel like I don't matter to people that matter to me
Tracey: That's crazy talk, and if I say it's crazy talk, well, I'm an expert on crazy talk!
Kenneth: Thanks, Mr. Tracy Morgan... I know...but still.
Tracey: What if I bought you a monkey, would that help?
Kenneth: Would it?! Oh, by gosh by golly, I've always wanted a monkey!
* Gina and Amy finding a dead body after breaking into some guys office *
Amy: * calmly * That's not good...
Gina: Oh, my gosh! What do we do?! There's a dead body! And we got our DNA all over shit! I'm freaking out!
Amy: * heavy breathing * I know...wait, you got your DNA everywhere...how?!
Gina: * calmly * Amy, you're stressing me out. You need to calm down. So, what I touched a few items. It's all good.
Amy: I'M STRESSING YOU OUT?!?!
Jeff: Sometimes...I don't like me.
Abed: No one likes themselves 100% of the time.
* the group collectively sighs in agreement *
Britta: It's called self awareness
Abed: Which is good...but sometimes self awarness is being mean to yourself in self awareness clothing. That's when you tell self awareness to back the hell up and flip it off.
Nick: * eating chips * I'm sad. And hungry. And angry. And hungry. And so stressed! And so hungry! But I just ate. Does being angry and sad and stressed at the same time make you feel hungry?
Winston: Or maybe you just are sad, angry, and stressed because you feel like your life is empty which makes you physically feel empty which you think you can solve by eating a whole bag of sea salt vinegar chips?
Nick: Remind me never to talk to you when I need a pep talk again. Man, Schmidt yelling at me to get it together makes me feel better than that!
*Liz talking out loud to herself*
Liz: Gah, I feel like one of those stupid teens in a teenage rom com!
Kenneth: The problem isn't that you want a romantic relationship, Liz Lemon. The problem is that you don't like yourself.
Liz: Gah, where did you come from, Kenneth?! How much of that did you hear?
Kenneth: Look, take Pete. He has no back bone because he puts his worth into whether or not others like him! And take a look at Jack. He quite obviously puts his worth in how much money you make at your job! That's not healthy! And you! Are you sure you are not using a relationship to distract yourself from the fact that you have a low self-esteem?
Liz: Wow...that was deep...I'm surprised you didn't use Jenna as an example though...
Kenneth: We are not going to even try to unpack that!
Tom: Why is everyone so mean to me?
Leslie: Sorry, Tom, but sometimes you have to go cry in the bathroom for five minutes and suck it up like everyone else. It's just how to world works...
Ann: You've been crying in the bathroom?
Leslie: Doesn't everyone?
April: I thought that noise I was hearing was the toilet backing up...
Jerry: And you didn't report that the toilet was backing up to a custodian, why?
April: Idk, leave me the freak alone, Jerry!
Jerry: Back to the point...yes...it is normal to cry in the bathroom, Leslie. I do it at least once a week.
Leslie: Shit, I don't want to be like Jerry!
Jerry: Speaking of which, I think I have to go to the *voice crack* bathroom!
Good Place Characters Besides Janet: JANET!
* Janet appears all huffy *
Janet: It’s always Janet do this, Janet do that! Maybe I need sometime in my void alone or maybe one of you could be like “Janet, what do you need?”
* Janet sees the surprise party for her “birthday” *
Janet: Oh...uh, my bad...
Jerry: My New Year's resolution is to be more assertive and tell people how I really feel...
* April enters *
April: Jerry, get out of my way. Gross. I can't believe I'm in the same room as you.
Jerry: * pained smile * I can leave! No worries!
* runs out of the room crying *
Interviewer: What's your stance on people?
Chris: Literally the best.
Andy: People are hilarious!
Leslie: I want to help them!
Jerry: I love people, but I don't always like them.
Ann: They're pretty great. Annoying sometimes, but great.
Donna: I like people well enough, but as long as they don't mess with me.
Ben: People are very weird. I like them still, but they frustrate me.
Ron: Leave me alone.
April: I hate people.
Tom: People? Well, I'd rather talk about me.
* The Dean trying to be positive after having had another mental breakdown, dressed as the sun and drinking SunnyD *
Dean: Sunny D-EAN!
Jeff: Oh, gosh. I’m getting Jimmy Dean flashbacks. I knew that actor. We did not get a long. So, thanks for reminding me of that, Dean.
* The Dean verging on tears *
Dean: Not everything is about you, Jeffery!
Britta: My life did not go as planned...
Annie: Tell me about it! I thought I would--
Britta: No, you didn’t want the same things as me! So, you wouldn’t get it!
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Annie: Man, I really felt heart broken when Jeff--
Britta: We both had a thing with Jeff! You’re not special, Annie!
* Annie stares at Britta for a moment, thinking. After a beat, she attacks Britta *
* phone ringing *
Liz: Jenna? It's 2 a.m.! Okay, calm down...breathe. What's wrong? You're crying over some missing earrings that you only wore once? Jenna, go to bed!