I guess writing on here is my last resort since I don’t really know where to go from here. This past week has been the week from hell. The Zoloft that my pdoc put me on finally kicked in. I had a short period of semi-normalcy, but then my thoughts started getting faster and darker. This whole episode started out with extreme anxiety which took two days to calm down from. Then once I finally calmed down, I went into some hell of a depression. It was honestly comparable to or worse than my first episode in 9th grade. It started with some mental confusion, heavy self-criticism, then leading onto delusional anger and self-hatred and a general sense of apathy. By apathy, I mean that I completely lost interest in everything. My thoughts have been moving so fast that I can’t keep up with them, and a lot of them are not very pleasant thoughts. This week is the first time I’ve had suicidal thoughts in a good four years, but they were different and more frequent this time. Just passing, intrusive thoughts about death and suicide. I would latch onto certain phrases, in particular one of concern being “I hate myself, I hate my life, and I want to die.” I’d repeat this over and over to myself throughout the course of the day. I was feeling self-destructive and reckless. I self harmed which is very uncharacteristic of me. I had an extremely brief period of dabbling with it in high school, but it was never with this level of agitation, hate, and anger. Compared to others, I guess it was pretty mild...scratching and hitting myself. But its still pretty worrisome. The worst part is the out of control feeling. Yesterday, I woke up feeling a lot better and did throughout most of the day. I was hanging with Alec and a girl I’ve been talking to a bit after the Daydreams show last night, which I guess might’ve triggered the anxiety that kicked back in hard today. I’m still not eating or sleeping very well. I’ve been eating significantly less, one meal a day is a frequent reality but the food at school is terrible. No food really seems very pleasant. I’ve been staying up pretty late and not having restful sleep. I got enough sleep last night, but I still feel burnt out. My stomach won’t settle down for anything even after eating, I’m fidgety and restless, it’s not very fun. I don’t want to spiral down again. I thought this would end after the Zoloft was out of my system. What’s wrong with me? My parents have been bothering me to no end. I almost wish that I had never told my parents about my mental state because now they prod into it. It’s because they care and its well intentioned, but I wish they would 1) stop treating it like something that NEEDS to be fixed as soon as possible and worked through. i’m beginning to wonder if I’ll spend the rest of my life dealing with this. and 2) just understand that sometimes I just want to be left alone and I don’t want to talk to them. They agitate me when I’m in a poor mental state. I don’t want to take it out on them and piss them off and drag them down with me. I just need a break from everything. College is hard, life is hard, talking to people is hard, making meaningful connections with people is difficult, dealing with emotions and mental disorder bullshit is difficult, being lonely but too afraid to fix it is a terrible feeling. I’m still not quite back to normal.
dailybridgerton
izzy806
tangentwithtanner
