Tonight I had one of the first real prides in my polyamorous relationship.
The lateness is not for a lack of good in the relationship, or a lack of being grateful for the situation.
But it was one of the first times that I'd specifically felt such abundance of gratitude that it turned into a joyful pride.
Previously, no matter how much I know there's good in the relationship, I've still felt some amount of internalized monogamy/internalized external pressures that made it feel like all the good was within its own bubble. Still there, still real, but still.. somehow separate from the 'real world.' As if the physics that made this work only worked within our context and not within the rest of the world.
But then, a few factors have played into this. First, Steals and I actually discussed the situation - which I hadn't realized how much I'd still been containing at Dance until that discussion was had. I guess once my closest dance friend and I had actually talked about it, it made it seem like the rest of the place could know and it would be fine. (Also cleared up other details in that discussion as well, but that's a separate note.)
Second, I've been reading more of the Deconstructionists Playbook. While I recognize it is very logically affirming and that yes it is written by like-minded people, there have been multiple instances where I've read others elaborating on thoughts I'd already believed, been starting to consider, or that I need to hear - all of which have been building up small degrees of self-trust. (Which to one part of me sounds dangerous. But to the other part, it feels like I can finally stand my ground.)
((Bonus thought: fundamentally, it's just refreshing - multiple other people with similar faith backgrounds have reached the same conclusions as me. Maybe it's okay after all!))
Finally, today's conversation with Sequins. She was discussing toxic monogamy showing up in her life and how it frustrated her. And while I related to her issues, it also caused a wonderful feeling to wash over me - the relief of a stance outside all that. Obviously polyamory is not automatically/fundamentally better; they're just two separate relationship types. But the lessons I've learned and the understandings I've come to, which all genuinely feel the most comfortable, have stemmed heavily from polyamory.
Not just polyamory. But from Taco in particular. Really from both Taco and Bandana in their own ways. But in the ways I'm thinking of, specifically from Taco.
Namely, interacting with other friends and ex's, and not having any hangout with someone of former or potential romantic interest be a threat. Also handling new romantic interests and being honest with the partner. Also, that honesty extending not only to external interests, but internal tensions as well as praises. That level of communication means the world to me.
This is long and rambley and I feel my brain getting tired. Thoughts are harder to string into full sentences. But I will end on this note:
Even though very in my head, I am grateful and proud of my current relationship. Others don't need to understand it for me to see the good that has come from it - and not just good within it's bubble, but good in relation to the rest of the world.
The good is also not just due to its polyamorous nature, which has helped me reevaluate my position on many monogamy 'conflicts'; rather, it is specifically because it's a relationship with Taco. Who in particular has modeled many new 'physics' that feel much more natural to me.
Gosh I hope this all made sense. I suppose we'll find out in the morning.
But if you see this - thank you, you. Really for more than the new perspectives, but in the vein of this post, also being particularly grateful for those perspectives.