few are the artists whose vibes and talent match the incandescent flame of my heart instantly. like, in a total, forever, kind of love at first sight admiration.
Who's the Clown? by Audrey Hobert just did that to me.
pop women are definitely on fire right now, and there's something unapologetic and raw, fun, about Audrey. i just love how i swiftly relate and can dance with madness to her songs. true magic.
Sex and the city is my favorite song of the album. it depicts a movie which i know by heart, a serie of daydreams colliding with confusing thoughts of my own worth and- sexual needs.
When I go to the bar, I'm a believer
So if it's not in the stars, then I don't want it either
this whole, in-between thing. it's not about not knowing what i want but more about, the expectations. it wasn't supposed to be like that. it's the not the film we were enticed to watch. should i lower my expectations or wait for the exact soundtrack which i pictured?
He's the love of my life, no, he's not
there's this one guy and he took a place in my overthinking, i spent too much time over idealizing who he could be instead of who he is. he's not for me, so why am still yearning for what never was?
This isn't Sex and the City
Nobody sees me and knows of my column
Nobody sees me at all is the problem
But of course when they do, they're not the one that I want to
i understand this more than anything. because i am in wheelchair, i have to consider a lot in term of others people behaviors towards me. are they curious? is it by interest? does the disability thing actually do it for them? (eeeeewwww). so yes, very often i do not feel seen because they see me all the time (they don't). and forbid a girl for having needs and standards! my bad, sir.
I could have guessed, I'm swearing by it
But I guess you never know until you go and try it
What it's like to be admired
Hot and desired?
that last couple of lines really hits me. there's a naive sense of wonder into trying new territories and going for it. as if i was not allowed to ask for more before, and now that i do, how can i navigate this high sea? i am naively, genuinely wondering, what's it like to be wanted? it sounds so idiotic and again, it is so real.
Sue me is such a bomb. the first time i heard it, i was drinking black tea in the morning and trying to find a way to wake up properly, and yes, it was it.
Sue me, I wanna be wanted
it's such a iconic line to me to use as a chorus. because when i heard it i realized that was my case, too. a desperate, shameless, plea. i wanna be wanted, yeah, i wanna be seen. and to be able to kick and scream it as loud as possible.
I've been so careful with you, babe
But I'm out late
And being a saint is exhausting
again, such an easy real feeling. i won't be trying to soften my needs for a guy. realizing, f*ck it, i don't even want to be a good girl. where's the reward? where's the freedom? i just want my needs to be met and to own it. judge me all you want.
Thirst Trap is my second favorite of the album. there's something unhinged about this song. delulu and yet, so self-aware.
I'm takin' thirst traps in the mirror in my room
I think I look bad, but it doesn't matter
I once read that some people's beauty can't be captured
And he'll be sorry, happy ever after
this summer, i took nudes of myself for the first time. and it changed my perception of my body, all over again. i found myself looking good and bad at the same time. but the whole sexual undertone of the pictures did hit me hard. and even if i look bad, it doesn't matter as Audrey sang. because that's not the point. not at all.
But then I got that thing and it changed me
Now all I ever think's, "Would you date me?"
one day, the earth shifted in its axis, and it definitely moved something in me. so sometimes i look at men and wonder, "would you want me?" when the question truly never was existing to me before.
I used to be so super cool
Now I'm in a box with all the tools
I know it's all because of you
Yes, I forgive, but I don't forget at all
You're not suffering a fool
I know it's why you want me too
i love how she pushes the conversation that far. "i know that you wanted me at some point" but she probably doesn't know when and why it stopped being that way (i don't). who's the fool between the two of us? that's basically the plot of the song. forgetting is not an option so far.
And I'll move on eventually
But for now, I'm takin' pictures
again, i feel this. waiting for the feeling, yearning, to go away. instead, i'll take thirst traps and work hard to find who i am (without you).
Phoebe is such a hit, too. I'm so not into Friends (sue me, duh!) but I have the ref. I see that famous quite clearly.
'Cause why else would you want me?
I think I've got a fucked up face
And that thought used to haunt me
i love the raw honesty of this verse. we have all our own insecurities. to write about it, so bluntly, seems to me like a tour de force as a song writer. "if my body is not beautiful enough, why else would you want me, you know?" is the undertone of this arc.
I took a walk on the beach, 'cause a guy doesn't like me back
Even though I'm gonna be a star, guess I don't have it, guess I don't have it after all
But it's okay, 'cause my life is so exciting
there's the obvious fear of loneliness. but my life is so exciting is the argument that makes it all go away, right? being alone is so different of being lonely. Phoebe is a character that never quite fits but who is so entertaining, fun (from what i gathered). the description gives away the social pressure of compensating for looks or status. that's bullshit, obviously. but as women, we feel that objectification more than any man ever could.
Check it out, I made it this far
Had to dig deep inside me
'TiI I found what I was looking for
It was right there inside me (Ah)
It was beautiful, beautiful, beautiful (Beautiful)
that's the line that embodies it all, period. to dig deeper in ourselves in order to grow, greater, better, stronger, softer. f*ck if that's not the whole goal. i relate to this, as well. i wouldn't be there where i am and am headed without the self-work i've done in the past years.
Audrey is so articulate in her storytelling, i love and admire that skill so so much. i am sure she will be the next Jack Antonoff and I can't wait for that to happen. and she'll probably become even greater, because, well, her name is Audrey.
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