In Grey Hours

Capturing and writing emotions

[ingreyhours]

Let our world crumble down as we find our own standing ground. #InGreyHours #CapturingEmotions (at Sambali Beach Farm)

[ingreyhours]

Mattheo and his reply.

Dear Rosati,

I read your letter already. Unexpected, I was squeezing my pillow tight. I do not know if it is because of the words you said or I was surprised. I was wrong with my assumptions. I thought, you wanted to ride the roller coasters of being single. I thought, you just wanted another friend to go with you in parties and booze-and-nicotine bliss. I thought, I was looking at a person who does not want to jump into a relationship because of  the things he got used to doing as a single person. I thought, I was just another shadow at your door, went and gone. As far as our memories together were concerned, I meant all I said, all I did.

I want to say sorry if I did not tell you some things because I did not want to assume that you want to hear my stories. I look up to you because of your maturity and effervescent character. I was really unsure of ‘us’ because of our inconsistent communication. All of the the stories you were reading tagged fiction are really not true (though at times I try to make it parallel to some of my experiences, dreams and ideals). Sorry because I am not really confident with I am right now. Some of the things were crumbling down to pieces because of personal wrong choices.

I hope to reconnect (if it is ok with you). You haven’t heard my stories yet. I still have to explain some things. I regret a lot of things these past few months and it was a bad (bad, bad) choice. I want it to tell you these things over coffee or whatever suits your mood. Please.

[ingreyhours]

Mattheo and the 3 ‘first’.

Dear McKibben,

Just so you know, you had me at ‘Hello’. At first, I was just being entertaining and trying not to be a snob so I gave my number to you. We immediately talk over the phone and hearing you utter every word you speak is like listening to a lullaby on a sleepless night. You lull me into forgetting the existence of infinite sadness. You sang to me like nobody else in the world and I felt I was your world. You had my 3 ‘first’ and I will never forget you, no matter how I pretend to forget you. We never became ‘US’ nor decided to court each other but, I find comfort in your eloquence. You swoon me intellectually and not how you project physically as brainy athletic. My first step on the Diliman is with you and the experience is like a field trip where I collect images of walking there with you again while sharing a big cup of my second tasting of Dalandan shake. I had my first taste of Dalandan shake with you and it tastes sweeter than any expensive citrus fruit I have tasted only because I share it with you. We sit in front of the playing field like 2 boys in a canvass of greenfield land (another of my first with you). To sit on a cut down trees in front of an open field is like a popcorn eating scene that I always imagine with my future significant other. We are reflection of lovers under the dim lights beneath the Carillon Tower and we are silhouettes of star-crossed lovers in a pale moonlit sky along Diliman. I remember your natural scent as I trace my nose to your shoulders and how you refuse not to be kissed only to find out, you like kissing some guy or guys unfortunately. I wonder why we never kissed on our first date (is it our first date? waiting for 14 dates to be over? or was I playing hard to get?) scratch that, screw you. The air around me was never bitter even if you stick your tongue out and taste the air around me. It will never taste bitter because I was truly happy with you and what I’m seeing in pictures and with what I imagine at a top of a building, you deserve it. Our bridge collapsed because I gave way for a new bridge to be built and I want you to enjoy crossing and sailing a better island than mine. If you happen to read this, please find in your heart the happiness I shared with you in my 3 ‘first’ with you. I will always wish you well and I miss you as well.

[ingreyhours]

One f*ck'd up night

You were broken outside I was fragile inside You were available outside I was waiting inside.

When you pretend dizzy I am being sleazy The touch of the cold towel made it so easy We made it breezy.

I kiss your lips Your mouth is dry Your heart is fried I am tongue-tied.

The softness of your skin Versus the flaccidity of what I feel As I savor your tool The more fool I feel.

A minute after twelve thirty You woke up thirsty Same thirst I feel for one But I got no one.

We ended the night By hugging you tight We said goodnight what we had is a stupid one night.

[ingreyhours]

It's because I love you Not because we’re far apart It's because I love you And because you’re near my heart

It's because I miss you Oh how long it seems to be It's because I miss you Thoughts of you come back to me

Once we walked together From the fields up to the door Promised love forever I remember that day still It's because I love you I'll come home to you one day It's because I love you In my thoughts you'll always stay

Oh, Do what you want to do, be what you want to be yeah...

[ingreyhours]

The endless vaults within us

"...Inside you one vault after another opens endlessly. You'll never be complete, and that's as it should be."

-from Romanesque Arches by Tomas Tranströmer

[ingreyhours]

Para sa kanya o sa kanino man (hapis sa tag-ulan).

Maari ba akong magsabi ng nararamdaman, ang bawat silakbo ng aking damdamin?

Ang lungkot ko.

Tila nararamdaman ko na ang tunay na kahulugan ng kalungkutan. Ngayon, alam ko na ang pakiramdam ng nag-iisa. Dati lagi kong sinasabi na hindi ako magiging tulad ng iba na sadlak sa kalungkutan pagsapit ng edad na trenta, kuwarenta, o singkwenta ngunit sa puntong ito, unti-unti ko ng nauunawaan ang nararamdaman ng iba. Malungkot pala talaga.

Ang nag-iisa.

Tila ang mundo ay isang napakalaking silid na walang laman kundi aninag ng ilaw na nagmumula sa labas ng bintana. Parang isla sa gitna ng karagatan na ang tanging maririnig ay malakas na pag-alon ng tubig. Napakalamig na hampas ng hangin na gumagapang sa likod at tagiliran. Habang ikaw na nagiisa ay walang magawa kundi magmasid habang yakap ang sarili.

Nais kung ako'y iyong yakapin o ng sino man para maramdaman ko na ika'y nariyan lamang upang malaman ko na ako'y buhay pa pala at hindi nagiisa.

Sa tuwing sasapit ang oras na pakiwari ko ako'y nagiisa, ginugunita ko ang bawat panahon na di ko naramdaman ang kalungkutan. Iniisip ko ang bawat tao na alam ko pwede dumamay sa aking pagiisa ngunit sila lamang ay mga bukambibig na lalo lamang nakakabigat sa aking dibdib at nararamdaman.

Ikaw na minsang nariyan at piniling lumayo o manahimik, ikaw na nakakaramdam at nakakaunawa ng aking hinanakit at para sa kanino man na nais patahimikin ang bawat hinagpis ng aking puso at isip, pagod at ayaw ko nang mag-isa. Kailangan kita o sino man.

[ingreyhours]

We were strangers again.

Thursday. The gusty rain pours like a fragile soul in dark grey sky. I was holding my collapsible canopy on my right hand as I attempt to cross the opposite street of Pasong Tamo looking out for a passing vehicle. From afar, I saw you walking briskly towards my direction. I walked slowly so you could catch up with me. I know you would ignore me so, I walked with you and made a space for both of us in my umbrella. You noticed the heavy bag I was carrying. Instinctively, you touched my hand as you hold the umbrella for both of us. Inside me, I was electrified by your touch. Your natural scent covered my nostrils like a stimuli to my neurons, a sedative to my receptors, soothing the catastrophes of my heart. I am transported back to the very first moment we met. I look at your face intently, I am tempted to touch the softness of your skin and how I want to rub my nose to your cheeks. We are both in awkward silence, you broke it off with a short giggle that sends butterflies to my stomach. For a thousand seconds, I am wishing this moment would never end. Friday. The rain never stops like I never stopped longing for you. Seeing you last night only made moving-on more difficult. The heavy fall of rain equalled the weight of water in my eyes which I cannot hold much longer. I watch my tears trickle down my cheeks, you are those tears falling away. Why do I have to see you again? Saturday. I am as numb as the calluses in my finger toes. My mind is swirling like a weather vane trying to find the winds direction. I am lost and nowhere to be found. Dan Humphrey has no match with the loneliness I am uttering right now. I could be the new lonely boy. No one can save me to this desolation, you are the only cure for this loneliness. Sunday. I ran in the late morning rain. Soaking wet and drenched in the emotions of a punch drunk love. I could feel my sweat erupting in my pores. Every inch of my skin is dampened with saline. My heart rhythmically beats with my foot pounding on the ground. It was a good sign but occasionally grasping for air. Without you I’m grasping for air, you are my respirator. If only air has it’s own form, it would come out of my mouth with your name spelt on it. I finished my routine with you on my mind. Nothing else but you. Monday. The sun begins to shine bringing promises of tomorrow. As I walk along the avenue of Ayala amidst the busy people passing by, I search for a familiar face but only faces of strangers I see. We were once strangers, became familiar to one another and became strangers again. Having no signs of you in the crowd is a reminder that you’re truly gone. It’s better that way. It’s better that the sun is up now and I’m not seeing you.

[ingreyhours]

I know how it feels when it all clumps inside, not because of the things you ate but it's the emotions that wells up inside and there's no other way but to puke it out until you feel the surge of your own breath. #NightFlight #InGreyHours #NowPlaying #NowWatching

[ingreyhours]

Dating Don't.

So I went out with this guy and it turned out an abrupt one. I am trying to think if I came too strong that he took it as disinterest or it’s the other way around that he doesn’t like me at all, but for devil’s sake be a man and decent enough to equate the time the other person has given you considering you aren’t that lovely and/or pleasing.

If you’re reading, take note of this:

1. Don’t ask for a movie if you’re changing your mind and checks in an hour if the other person is still going when you already had an agreement. Please make up your mind. 2. Don’t think or ask if you can play putanginang Pokemon!. 3. Don’t plan a dinner or abruptly say you’re having a dinner without saying beforehand. You actually look like a goat, escaping! 4. If you decided to go on a coffee instead when the scheduled movie is no longer available, don’t comment that you should have brought your laptop. What is the laptop for? 5. If you don’t want to order a drink, just say ‘NO’ instead of saying you’re getting a table and will just tell your order when you got one and you are just really waiting at the table. You were offered a drink and declining immodestly is arrogance. 6. When you want to leave, don’t tell someone to just text you if they want your company despite your behavior. That is so conceited. 7. Lastly, don’t pretend to be nice by not calling off the date immediately. You are a complete waste of time to begin with and what you showed speaks lowly of you.

#CantBuyClass #MalEdukada #BaklangKanal

[ingreyhours]

Chbosky

It's just that I don't want to be chased. If somebody likes me, I want them to run after me until I get tired and lose my breath, for them. And I don't want them to feel obliged to pursue me. I want them to feel the rush, the exhilaration of wanting me, so I can feel it too ...

to do the same for them.

[ingreyhours]

Pedestrianism

A friend once told me that most gays, if not all are having this complexity called 'Pedestrianism' at some point in their lives. When I try to google the word, it doesn't really translate to a complex behavior, it is merely related to walking as a sport. My friend and I talked about it and asked him why having such observation. He clearly stated that it's the opposite of 'Cruising' where one walks aimlessly somewhere or anywhere without the intention of hitting on someone. It is more of, like walking at a slow pace, with no direction, no clear destination with packed solitude on your shoulders until you reached the point of weariness and your legs would want to take you to tiresome.

He is actually on-point and admittedly, I have days like that, he too has that, and when you try to sit on a park bench to observe, there are some people also having this "Pedestrianism' thing. I haven't really looked at the concept of cruising or sexual overtures and maybe it's the same thing, but, the word 'Pedestrianism' would be more apt as a jargon for aimless walking for homo's.

Well, Do I have that? I'm afraid, I'm having the symptoms and it has always resulted from being alone. There are unmissable days I'd find myself, despite trying to occupy my mind with the things I need to do, I just get lost in the head and my feet would lead me to walk. As I write this, it occurred to me that I've had this since early 20's and in later years, I have used this itch-in-the-feet to a more productive oberration, it is when I became into-running as a sport or exercise. But as time goes by, seasons change  and that enthusiasm for running has melted away and I am back again once more into that 'Pedestrianism' or what I want to believe as aimless wandering. Good and bad, I need to find a cure for this complexity or at least not be alone.

[ingreyhours]

September rain on my cheeks.

As I walk through the street of Dela Rosa; with water floods splashing through my calves, it hit me like trickles of tingling water on my back. I look at the farthest light that my eyes could reach while I try to wipe the drops of rain in my cheeks with thoughts: Everyone wants to move forward, move on, begin again, but how? when all the roads towards starting all over again leads me back to you.

I realized, it's not the waters of September rain in my cheeks that I wiped. It was tears from my eyes.

[ingreyhours]

If these walls could talk.

If these walls could talk It will tell you how I lie awake in daylight the observance of low light the muteness of my surrounding It will tell you how I stare into the ceiling How I imagine the constellations above me I see Cassiopeia, Orion, and some shooting stars They seem within my reach but far

If these walls could talk It will tell you the struggles of a night owl Waking up at exact noon and a minute of shut eye Here comes dawn again Often times it will tell you the future Or yesterday, or spectacular now The cause of sorrow and the pretensions to be happy The many faces of the person I become

These walls have seen my flesh The numerous times I beat my meat The oooh's, the aaah's, and the long sighs The relief of my orgasm to battle nothingness Sometimes these walls will tell you I'm a dancer in the dark Starlight in the ceiling dances with me In The Knocks featuring Alex Newell’s song 'Collect my Love'

When all energy are exhausted My body limps bare, frail and aware Counting the times I toss and turn in bed The wanting to drift into sleep coma The nothingness of my banal existence How difficult it is so fight with might It will tell you

If these walls could talk.

[ingreyhours]

Anagnorisis

I drowned in my own solitude from the day you went away and turned your back on me. The days are longer and the nights are misty as always. You never stopped texting me as if there’s always extreme urgency happening in your life when in fact, you just want to speak with me and know if there’s no more ‘US’.

One week has passed, then became three weeks and that became seven weeks of ignoring you; it became a habit actually. Each time you send text messages in the middle of the afternoon I am in my vulnerable state. It is a battle of heart over mind whether to respond back or not, and when I don’t receive a message from you, I am waiting in nothingness while my eyes are wide open in the darkness of my room. It’s been my habit for a while; every single afternoon, every single day for three months.

Yesterday I was drowning in my dream. In real world, I took swimming lessons when I reached the age of 16 so by now, I know how to float aimlessly and not to drown, but in my sleep, I was standing on the edge of an old wooden boat dock and the water is so blue (the most pristine turquoise colored ocean I have never been to). With a blink of an eye like a jump cut in a film, I am in the water, drowning. In my mind, I know the word swim and float, but I am doomed. I heard a familiar song played, it says, “I could lift you up, I could show you what you want to see, and take you where you want to be…”, it is ‘Safe and Sound’ by Capital Cities, the next thing I realized I was holding my phone and your name is on the screen.

I heard your familiar melancholic voice on the other end and when I said hello, the sound of your voice shifted to ecstatic excitement. I was stunned for a moment and I don’t know what to say. You dropped the line and texted instead with assumptions I’m not going to reply. I am relieved from not drowning in my dream and in my own solitude when you called. You are the reason I was drowning and yet you save me from not drowning. You are my irony and a contradiction to what’s happening with me. My anagnorisis is, you are the cause of my death and the reason of my rebirth thus I replied.

[ingreyhours]

The boy that never was, Always have, Always will. #BookPoetry #BookShelf #Books #book #BookShelfie #Bibliophile #Bibliofeed @Bibliofeed #vscocam #VSCO #VSCOPhile #VSCOBooks #Haiku #Poetry #Dasa #Bangkok #Thailand #July2015 #InGreyHours #CapturedEmotions #PhotoLogs

[ingreyhours]

Wishful Thinking 003

To hold me in his arms in sombre days and sleepless nights.