Twenty-Four Degrees

Things I enjoy, things I have an interest in, things I'm curious about, things I might be obsessed with, things I want to say and get off my chest, things I feel, things I see, things I don't understand, things that make up my life. Twenty-Four Degrees: I like white, I like the look of crisp clothes, I like when items are laid out, when things are detailed and seeing them, noticing patterns, seeing patterns, making patterns, noticing things other people might not. I like seeing what humans are, what beings are, what patterns we go through, what's going through our minds, what we cannot absolutely live without mentally, things I cannot live without mentally... If you wish, you can anonymously submit your routine, a photo, information, or any detail you'd like to make my day better by submitting donations through the message button.

[inmindinsight]

The last conversation we had, he said he doesn’t want to die alone.

Yet he died alone

[inmindinsight]

I stood on the pier for awhile, it was around 3am. The ocean was roaring. Even though everything was pitch black I could tell the ocean was angry, yet it yearned for me and called my name. I made a deal with the ocean as it came and went.

From the moment I jumped in to the moment he grabbed me I don’t know how much time had passed. It didn’t feel like long, but it had to have been since I didn’t see anyone else on the pier. I don’t know how far out we were, but he must’ve been tired from carrying me to shore in those rough endless waves in the dark. I couldn’t even tell if we were getting closer or farther. He didn’t pause to catch his breath but instead questioned me as soon as we both hit the dry sand.

“For someone who wants to die, you seemed scared.”

“I wasn’t scared of dying, I was scared because it was dark.”

He looked at me and laughed and at this moment I was confused and beginning to feel the cold.

“You’re scared of the dark but not dying? You know people say dying is just like being in the dark? Some people say they don’t see anything.”

He said everything as if it was a joke to him. He grabbed my wrist and walked me to his house just across the street facing the ocean. He offered a change of clothes. I remember we sat in his living room with nothing but the sound of the ocean. I awkwardly didn’t have anything to say, instead he spoke and opened himself, and in between the gaps in his talk the ocean reminded me that I promised it me.

I haven’t been to the ocean alone since that day. Something about it makes me nervous, maybe it’s the broken promise to the ocean.

[inmindinsight]

I’m stuck between being sure and unsure.

My chest is heavy because I feel like it knows what’s coming. The inevitable.

For the first time in a long time, I’m drowning again.

[inmindinsight]

[inmindinsight]

I’ve felt depression, I’ve been severely depressed and nearly died on the pier that day. I’ve been fine since then, I never even had a thought of dying or imagination. But this right now, doesn’t feel like depression… or a familiar one at least.

It feels like a feeling inside my stomach, something churning me from the inside to make me sick. Sick enough to not want to eat even when starving. Twisted enough to make water make me gag. This constant weight behind me, a haunting spirit telling me, now, now, now, now, again and again, no different from mental damnation. I don’t want to die, I don’t want to kill myself, but I have a strong need to run,.

[inmindinsight]

[inmindinsight]

Lost my appetite, constantly hungry, my mind all over the place. This feeling in my chest that makes it hard to breathe.

[inmindinsight]

I usually tell someone of my plans or ideas but realize it never goes the way I plan so I stopped telling people what my dreams or ambition was.

In a drunk discussion my uncle mentioned how lonely he was. How he ended up breaking up with multiple people because the family didn’t approve of the women. And soon he just stopped trying. He lived with Grandpa and took care of him, since his brothers and sisters found someone and moved out of the house, but after my Grandpa passed, he expressed how lonely he was. How it was heartbreaking- and not to follow his footsteps. The kept talking about the pain and how he wouldn’t wish it on anyone till he passed out.

I wanted to move back to Korea to stay with him so he’s not so alone for the time being. I decided to go back to uni to get a degree even though it’s been years since I’ve studied.

He died Sunday.

And I’m barley in my first year back.

A complete stranger found him collapsed on the sidewalk.

In the hospital nobody was allowed to visit due to restrictions.

And in the end he passed alone, I feel like he was waiting for someone to sit next to him and hold his hand but nobody came so he just let go.

It pains my heart to the extend I can’t eat or sleep without intoxicating myself.

I’m drowning and I don’t want any help.

I don’t even want condolences.

I just want everyone to fuck off

[inmindinsight]

Friendships online

I met Michael on Warcraft back in middle school, dude got married n stopped playing.

Played Counterstrike in high school with a guy named David, he had a kid and married his girlfriend.

Rando and I played Minecraft with an entire clan back in highschool to college. He got a gf but then broke up and went through some rough stuff.

We met in a random counterstrike server by being annoying together, used to talk al the time since I was in middle school. Christian finally has a girlfriend now and has been really busy.

I don’t talk to these guys since they’re focus on life or other things. I only wish the best for them. Good times.

[inmindinsight]

I let everything go for him just before he let me go.

[inmindinsight]

The devil sits on my shoulder

Only to remind me of every mistake I’ve made from now and before

[inmindinsight]

I wonder how people met their significant other. Was it instant? Did you know when you first met? What made you interested, how do they differ from someone else. Cause every time I think I know the answers- the world proves that I obviously don't know.

[inmindinsight]

Artists are good at expression and displaying a certain emotion, because it the emotion that makes up the majority of their life. Like for instance id be good at depression. I can say when I'm happy, I'm happy and that is all. But when I'm having an bad day I can tell you that my stomach churns and everything I look at and think about seems pointless and unnecessary. And how I start questioning every decision I've made till now, and how I made myself and my life like this... And it's nobodies fault, by my own,.

[inmindinsight]

Brainwashed and treated like animals for years, and on their release date we expect them to walk out as model citizens.

[inmindinsight]

...it was the first time I felt someone kiss me like that. So deep, so sweet, so honest, but still enraged with lust...

Park

[inmindinsight]

When you're depressed, it's not that you can't be grateful for everything you have and should be thankful for, but the fact that you feel like you deserve nothing and everyone's suffering because of you,.

Park

[inmindinsight]

What was in my bag,.