Echoes of a Girl whos not even Human

19. This is my side blog for where I discuss my own mental health. 18+ My pronouns are She/ They/ It pedos, homophobes, terfs DNI

[inorganic-echoes]

some days it's as if i don't know that i have a body, or if i do it's full of maggots/ parasites

[inorganic-echoes]

all hallucinations suck in different ways.

bugs crawling on you make you feel unclean.

feeling the touch of a person can make you afraid of your safety.

voices and other auditory hallucinations make you confused of what is happening.

the sounds of eating can make you think there's a dead body under your bed.

i hate it even if there are times were it's weirdly beneficial for me.

[inorganic-echoes]

have you ever worried that you're not happy you're just becoming even more insane than you already are.

that your newfound confidence isn't because of personal growth it's because of delusions.

that your motivation and creativity are part of the system of mental illnesses you have.

that you don't love people you're only using them for personal gain.

that you aren't having a good day, but rather you're so far down in delusions that you can't even see how bad it's gotten.

[inorganic-echoes]

i'm feeling good again. i love this

[inorganic-echoes]

something i found helps me calm down is listening to the breathing of the building i'm in

[inorganic-echoes]

i want to escape this. I don't care what it is. just something to ease the pain

i don't want to be medicated even if it'd be good for me. i'd rather stay like this all my life than that

[inorganic-echoes]

its weird how you can go from "i'm a worthless image of a human" to "computers and technology love me" so quickly

[inorganic-screams]

i feel too dangerous to be around other people.

i spend 90% of my time in my room, and i don't ever want to leave if i can help it.

i'm worthless, in every sense of the word. i hate myself so fucking much. i'm not even human in the most fundamental sense.

i wish i didn't exist

[inorganic-echoes]

it's weird how you can go from "i'm the worst thing to ever exist" to "i am enlightened to all the hidden truths of the universe" to "why can't my computer speak to me :(" over the course of an hour or two

[auschizm]

Instead of "but that's not real", you should try responding to a psychotic persons distress with:

That sounds really scary. I'm really sorry that you're going through this. I can't imagine how scared I'd be if it was me.

Thank you for sharing this with me. I know it can't be easy to open up about it, and I'm glad you felt comfortable telling me

You can tell me more about it if you want to. I promise not to judge you, invalidate you or panic

Is there anything I can do to help you feel safer? Any way I can help support you through this?

[ladygrey111]

The whole, "K*lling urself is a permanent solution to a temporary problem" bullshit is spouted by the ignorant lucky ones who have only had temporary problems. Some people's problems are permanent so maybe try offering actual help and support to them rather than regurgitating an overused phrase that means nothing to people with real struggles.

[schizoetic]

Things you can do to help someone while they're in psychosis in a psych ward:

Bring them necessities like soap and clothing and good toothbrushes. After being forced into gowns for a while it's really nice to be able to wear something personal and comfy. It's also nice to take care of yourself when coming back to reality. When realizing you haven't washed in ages a good shower is beyond awesome

Bring things to distract them like books and magazines that suit their interests. Hospitals can be incredibly boring. They can also most certainly feel like jail. It's brutal sometimes. These places have the bare minimum and any little bit of this helps a lot

Visit to show moral support even when they can't communicate or keep their eyes open from sedation. Physical company helps a lot of the time

Accompany them for walks when permitted. Feeling the wind or seeing trees or stars after being unable to for a long time is priceless

Keep them company by calling them after visiting hours end

Gift them coffee or comfort food. They can be big sources of endorphins. Something yummy will always be yummy no matter how detached from the world you get... provided things like delusions don't get in the way

Remain calm if they lose their composure. It personally tended to help me ground myself or lessen the panic I was having. People who were reactionary to me in a negative way defeated the purpose of being around me at the time

Show good vibes. When living a mental nightmare this can help improve state of mind or even delusions and hallucinations. Like even a smile can help tons ngl

Keep patient and don't take things personally. I had my own mother and doctors yelling at me because I wasn't acting the way they liked and it made things so so much worse

Understand that someone unwell might have a long grueling road of recovery ahead of them. Best thing to do is accept them regardless of what occurs

Advocate for their personal needs such as dietary preferences

This of course is all dependent on what's allowed at the psych ward

[identitty-dickruption]

honestly the best way to think of paranoid hallucinations and delusions is like. an externalised version of intrusive thoughts. there’s not even a super clear line between an obsessive intrusive thought and a delusion to begin with

but for non-psychotic people who do experience intrusive thoughts. it might be helpful to understand paranoid psychosis as the brain saying “hey what if this fucked up thing happened” and then making it feel as real as possible. sometimes that just happens to include auditory, visual, or other sensory hallucinations. as well as a higher degree of belief/certainty that the fucked up thing is indeed happening

just as much as it doesn’t help to be told “well that’s not real, and that’s not happening” when you have bad intrusive thoughts. it also doesn’t help during an episode of paranoid psychosis, but often harmful to a much higher degree on account of the higher degree of certainty that it is happening. understand that the underlying emotional experiences very much are real, even if the way they’re being expressed aren’t real to you

[schizodiaries]

This should go without saying but sometimes even I need a reminder.

Psychosis is different for everyone. The way people experience it, the way they feel about it, the effect it has on them, it all varies from person to person. For some people their psychosis was the lowest point in their lives. For others it wasn’t a huge deal, and maybe they even feel positively towards it. For some people their psychosis causes them to behave erratically. Others might hardly exhibit any behaviors at all. Some people lose all sense of self during psychosis, while others will say they found themselves because of it. Some people feel ashamed of their psychosis, others are proud of what they went through. And for most of us, it’s not always one or the other, but a little mix of everything in between.

There’s not one correct way to experience psychosis and there isn’t a right way to feel about it either. Regardless of what you went through or how you feel, you deserve to speak about it.

[schizospecfaye]

Psychosis feels like unraveling

Psychosis makes me feel like everything is threatening, even objects

Psychosis feels like everything I think and feel is liquid and blending together, leaving me confused

Psychosis feels like my brain has disappeared and left a big blank space where no thoughts form

Psychosis makes me feel like someone is inside my body, touching and grabbing me underneath my skin

Psychosis feels like being controlled by an outside force

Psychosis feels like reality and you yourself is disintegrating

Psychosis feels like everything is simultaneously fake and more real than usual

Psychosis feels like spiraling through an endless cycle of thoughts

Psychosis feels like being fragmented

[inorganic-echoes]

delusions are weird. not because of the content or my thoughts about them, but because of how other people laugh them off.

i know the CIA is trying kill me, although that could just be because i'm not medicated rn. I'm also aware this is a delusion, but i hold onto the idea. But when i have told friends they always laugh it off like i'm playing some kinda comic relief character in a play. i know it's coming from a place of good intention, but it kinda does the opposite of helping me. it kinda does the opposite. it only makes me suspicious that they are CIA agents.

seeing the street lights communicate with me is also scary, cause it's not really something i can tell someone without being ridiculed, and the whole they're talking to me part.

[inorganic-echoes]

i've attempted to kill myself 5 times in my life, and i've considered it countless more.

i had felt pain in one form or another all my life. i was instilled with a sense of self loathing and guilt from my first breath. to those in my childhood, i was never enough. in fact, i was likely the cause of everything wrong with their lives. i felt i had to become a servant to my family to have any semblance of worth. i never argued, i only asked for the most banal of things. if i even implied i deserved anything, i was ridiculed.

in may of this year, i attempted suicide once again. there was a lot of factors, including persistent sensory overload, being SA'd, and financial stress from my house flooding. soon after i was hospitalized.

i'd be lying if i said i didn't like being treated with a modicum of respect. getting attention from nurses and doctors no one else had given me. the food was edible, and i felt like i belonged for the first time in my life.

right now i'm on my bed. holding a stuffed animal for a sense of comfort. bathing under a light that is telling me to kill myself, just like the street lamps have been telling me after i ignored them. im considering suicide yet again. i know i won't do anything, but things seem hopeless.

i am only holding on because i made a promise to a former partner of mine and my current partners. i love all of them more than anything. they are some of the few people that can make me happy. but i know for some people, maybe even you reading this, they don't have that support.

if you are going through these thoughts, my dms are open if you want to chat. i know the logic of suicide too well, so i won't tell you what you likely heard a million times. but i'm here for you, and even if i can make one person feel infinitesimally better, that is enough for me to be content with my life, even if everything else sucks.

I have nothing else to say but to quote the song that has saved my life countless times: Rock n' Roll Suicide, by David Bowie

Oh no love, you're not alone

You're watching yourself, but you're too unfair

You got your head all tangled up, but if i could only make you care

Oh no love, you're not alone

No matter what or who you've been

No matter when or where you've seen

All knives seem to lacerate your brain

I've had my share, now i'll help you with the pain