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[insaneentityprotector]

Legolas: Apparently, when Gimli was born, the nurse gave his father antidepressants because of how ugly he was.

(Gimli throws his axe at Legolas. It misses and gets stuck in the wall.)

Legolas: Really, Gimli?!

Gimli: Consider that a warning shot from the "Ugly Baby" defense squad.

Aragorn: (Walks out of his study and immediately notices the axe embedded in the wall) How did that get there?

Legolas: Gimli threw it at me! He’s creating a hostile work environment!

Aragorn: Did you deserve it?

Legolas: ...That is entirely irrelevant.

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Gimli: I'm single by choice.

Legolas: Yeah, women's choice.

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Frodo: (holding a broken mug) Who did this?

Sam: Sorry, Mister Frodo. I promised Merry i wouldn't snitch on him

Merry: Sam!

Sam: Oops.

Merry: Well if you'll excuse me, i think i left something in the kitchen (walks towards the exit).

Frodo: We are in the kitchen, you idiot!

Merry: Ah, so we are. My mistake. The, uh, matching linoleum really threw me off.

Frodo: Don't you try to charm your way out of this, Merry Brandybuck! This was my favourite mug!

Merry: It was a complete accident! I was practicing a high note and the sheer acoustic power of my voice must have shattered the porcelain.

Frodo: You dropped it while trying to catch an apple, didn't you?

Merry: ...Yes.

Pippin: (walking into the room) Hey guys. Merry, thanks for the new guitar pick, by the way.

Frodo: What guitar pick?

Pippin: (takes a piece of Frodo's broken mug out of his pocket) This sharp little porcelain piece right here. You know, it looks a lot like Frodo's favourite mug.

Merry: Pippin, you could not have chosen a worse time to say that.

Frodo: Sam, block the exits. I think we need to have a little talk about property damage.

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During the battle of Helm's Deep

Gimli: What's happening out there?

Legolas: Shall I describe it to you, or would you like me to find you a box?

Gimli: No, I would like a tall friend who doesn't make height jokes every thirty seconds!

Legolas: ...So, the box then?

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Waitress: Good evening, gentlemen. What would you like to order?

Aragorn: The blood of my enemies.

Waitress: We’re out of that.

Aragorn: A chicken wrap, then.

Legolas: I'll have whatever Gimli is having, but more of it so I can assert dominance.

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Aragorn: Does anyone know how to fix a leaky faucet?

Legolas: I can sing a very moving ballad about the dripping water.

Gimli: I can stare at it until it feels uncomfortable and stops.

Aragorn: I'm calling a plumber. You people are useless.

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Merry: I’ve decided to start a "no sugar" diet.

Pippin: (Eating a donut) That’s brave.

Merry: ...Pippin, give me a piece of that donut.

Pippin: No, Merry. Stay strong. Think of your health.

Merry: I am currently thinking about how easy it would be to hide your body under the floor. Give. Me. The. Donut.

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Gandalf: Where’s Frodo?

Sam: He’s having a "power nap."

Gandalf: It’s been four hours.

Sam: Well, he’s aiming for a lot of power. At this rate, he’ll be able to lift the house by teatime.

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Gandalf: Is everyone wearing their travelling cloaks?

The hobbits: Yes, Gandalf.

Gandalf: Does everyone have their luggage?

The hobbits: Yes, Gandalf.

Gandalf: Did anyone leave the stove on in the Shire?

Pippin: ...I’ll be right back.

Gandalf: FOOL OF A TOOK!

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Merry: Let's play "I Spy." I’ll start. I spy... something green.

Pippin: The grass?

Merry: No.

Sam: A tree?

Merry: No.

Frodo: The sheer envy I feel for people who are currently asleep?

Merry: ...Yes. How did you know?

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Aragorn: I’m going to need you guys to act like adults for the next ten minutes.

Gimli: Can we negotiate for five?

Legolad: I can do three, but I’m going to need a lollipop afterwards.

Aragorn: (Rubbing his temples) I’m going to retire and move to a farm. The sheep are more cooperative.

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Eowyn: I call this "The Rohirrim Taco".

Eomer: That's a slice of ham wrapped around a Kit-Kat.

Eowyn: It's a fusion of sweet and savoury!

Eomer: It's a cry for help.

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Aragorn: I need to ask a favour.

Legolas: I'm not helping you bury a body again.

Aragorn: That was one time!

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Sam: I'm a responsible adult.

Frodo: Yesterday you used a leaf blower to get Pippin down from the roof.

Sam: He got down, didn't he?

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Pippin: If you drop a piece of buttered toast, it always lands butter-side down.

Merry: Correct.

Pippin: And if a cat always lands on its feet...

Frodo: [Not looking up from his book] Do not strap toast to a cat, Pippin.

Pippin: I wasn't going to!

Frodo: Yes you were. I saw the butter in your hand.

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Pippin: If we were stuck in an elevator, who would be the first to crack?

Sam and Merry: (In unison) Frodo.

Frodo: (Offended) I’ll have you know I have nerves of steel!

Merry: Last week you got stuck in your own duvet and cried until Sam rescued you.

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Eowyn: I’ve invented a new dish. I call it "The Crunchy Surprise."

Eomer: This is just a bowl of dry pasta and a single grape.

Eowym: The surprise is which one you bite into first. It’s a sensory experience.

Eomer: It’s a trip to the dentist.