Progress and set backs.
I left my home with what I could carry a few months ago. To leave the abuse.
I left while he was out, i knew what window I had and three friends came with vehicles and we packed up what we could and I moved 2 hours away.
I’m safe.
I had to quit my job and am starting from nothing. Again.
I’m numb today, but that’s preceded by a lot of crying, a lot of contemplating giving up, a lot of anxious pains and little sleep. I’m more exhausted than I’ve ever felt. I know what anxiety/depression/trauma do to you, but it doesn’t make it less shameful or embarrassing that I can’t seem to get my shit together. I’ve been married before, that time to a physical abuser who also liked to torture animals and make me watch sometimes. I guess I figured this time the 2nd guy wasn’t as bad because he liked animals and didn’t hurt me physically. He might not have been physically abusive, but he hurt me worse in some ways. I am broken by my past now, more than my present. I think some refer to this as reactivated PTSD. I’m hoping to relay some of those experiences here once I frame the activity in a therapeutic mindset. I think it will be releasing to explain, even to those who don’t know me, why my troubles spill over my calms.
I can’t seem to stop the things that haunt me and I can’t seem to calm down anymore. My health issues are stacking up and even though I’m slowly lining up the help I think I need, It’s not diligent enough or fast enough, but that’s a whole other post and gripe. I’m overwhelmed and trying to process filing for divorce.
Life isn’t good, but I want it to be. I would say I want it to again, but I’m not sure that what I believed was truly happy actually was. I want a good and happy life, but I have to overcome this depression first. This depression might kill me.
















