interrobangAF

In pursuit of a healthy/calm/happy existence. Whatever that may be. I have a complicated past of physical trauma from childhood and domestic violence. My journey is here, in parts and fragments of history, mixed with current adventures to change my circumstances. Follow along, I hope you do. I hope I'm not alone on the internet too.

[interrobangaf]

Progress and set backs.

I left my home with what I could carry a few months ago. To leave the abuse.

I left while he was out, i knew what window I had and three friends came with vehicles and we packed up what we could and I moved 2 hours away.

I’m safe.

I had to quit my job and am starting from nothing. Again.

I’m numb today, but that’s preceded by a lot of crying, a lot of contemplating giving up, a lot of anxious pains and little sleep. I’m more exhausted than I’ve ever felt. I know what anxiety/depression/trauma do to you, but it doesn’t make it less shameful or embarrassing that I can’t seem to get my shit together. I’ve been married before, that time to a physical abuser who also liked to torture animals and make me watch sometimes. I guess I figured this time the 2nd guy wasn’t as bad because he liked animals and didn’t hurt me physically. He might not have been physically abusive, but he hurt me worse in some ways. I am broken by my past now, more than my present. I think some refer to this as reactivated PTSD. I’m hoping to relay some of those experiences here once I frame the activity in a therapeutic mindset. I think it will be releasing to explain, even to those who don’t know me, why my troubles spill over my calms.

I can’t seem to stop the things that haunt me and I can’t seem to calm down anymore. My health issues are stacking up and even though I’m slowly lining up the help I think I need, It’s not diligent enough or fast enough, but that’s a whole other post and gripe. I’m overwhelmed and trying to process filing for divorce.

Life isn’t good, but I want it to be. I would say I want it to again, but I’m not sure that what I believed was truly happy actually was. I want a good and happy life, but I have to overcome this depression first. This depression might kill me.

[hinasyeda]

Never be neutral. Always be brave.

You aren’t here to just coast through life. Pick a side. Stand for something. // @abillionlittlethoughts (via abillionlittlethoughts)

[violentwavesofemotion-deactivat]

My love, my love, my love, why have you left me alone?

James Joyce, from The Selected Poems; “I Hear an Army,” (via violentwavesofemotion)

[heartsnmagic]

[thegoodvybe]

[thegoodvybe]

[dailyinspirationquotes]

[relatablepoetryandquotes]

via @grungelifee

[wnq-music]

We hide pain in the weirdest places, broken souls and smiling faces.

Stars Go Dim, “You Are Loved” (via wnq-music)

[relatablepoetryandquotes]

via @grungelifee

[pre-party]

Write beautifully what people don’t want to hear.

Frederick Seidel (via pre-party)

[dailyinspirationquotes]

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[interrobangaf]

[interrobangaf]

I started the day crying and

now I feel like eating antagonists for dinner.

My parents and family just left after 5 days here to visit. I needed it about as much as breathing, because it made me realize the following things:

1.) Cody will not win in trying to gaslight me. I see that his game is obvious to others and if I just step more into the light with it. He has no footing.

2.) It’s over. Cody threatened to turn my cell phone off (and cut me off altogether) after fighting once again over buying a comforter for my parent’s stay at our house. He has taken a section of trust by using that device that he will never get back from me.

3.) I am worthy of being loved and easy to love in fact. I’ve been isolated here for so long, getting frozen out by my husband who wants me to believe I’m a bad person and I make his life so hard that he won’t act like he even likes me. Not unless I become more pleasing and accommodating of course.

4.) His arrest was most likely a legitimate domestic violence situation that he escaped accountability due to his victim threatening him (that’s what he claims).  His anger problem goes way deeper and for way longer than is safe for any partner. He needs help.

5.) His dad is helping him believe he has no sorry whatsoever for his anger or how he treats women. This will never get better.

6.) I deserve better.

7.) I must fight or this asshole will kill me, or just try to take everything I have because I said I want a divorce. He tells me our marriage is all my fault, he has nothing to change/work on/be apologetic for....it’s all me 100%. Divorce really is the only option I have here. And I will take the HALF of our life that is mine.

8.) I am vindicated by a family who is always there for me, but yet- doesn’t tell me how to be or how to think. They just want to see me happy and healthy.

9.) My health issues have gone unchecked for way too long. I have put aside warning signs and tried to ignore chronic pains to not add to the pile of what I thought was my incessant negativity on our relationship. Cody has never cared or inquired about how I’m doing, he simply doesn’t care unless I happen to tell him. Ask him what my health issues are, do it. I bet he’ll say, “she’s a crazy bitch”. 

10.) Cody is an abuser. He has committed acts of domestic violence. He has an unsafe and blinding rage that goes unchecked once you marry him. 

11.) Cody is a manipulator. He has spun a history of mistreating women into a sick tale of his victimhood. It will take a long while knowing him before you see it, partners beware.

[interrobangaf]

Fuck, he’s a narcissist.

I married a fucking narcissist. 

We had another fight today, I said I am dedicated to making myself a better partner for him, I love him, but I worry that he can’t come to me always. That he’ll only show me love when I’m happy. He said, “Well I don’t like signing a blank check.....all our problems are *your* fault.”

That’s not possible, marriages that aren’t an abusive situation are always two people trying to work their shit out. But he stood firm that all our problems are my fault. I’ve had this worry/concern before, he’s done other things, but I think it really became true today.

I say, “I love you” and “you’re a good person” freely, even in fighting. He withholds everything when we fight, he literally acts like he doesn’t care about me anymore- a big apathetic cold shoulder. He hasn’t said anything loving or husband-like in a month or more....because I’m depressed, not helpful enough, not validating or sweet enough? Because he knows when I say it to him (again) and he doesn’t say it back (again), that he has power. He’s laughed at me when I started crying during a fight. He calls me a child, laughs, and says I’m crazy.

I feel like I took on so much with his depression and insecurities during the start of our relationship, now I’m sad and he doesn’t want to be my husband anymore. Maybe he won’t say “i love you” again when I’m happy, maybe I’ll have to grovel more.

I’ve done that too. Begged him to fight for us, to come to counseling, to compromise on our impasses, to appreciate mutual culpability. Now a dozen or more times over the years, each time he’s stated he has no interest. He has no problem worth solving for me or our marriage. I have all the problems that need solving before he’ll think about showing me love again. I said this attitude will only lead to divorce. He said “so be it....your next relationship will have all the same problems.” That was his message today.

He’s a fucking narcissist. This is the 2nd narcissist I’ve married.

I am so deep in a hole of reactivated PTSD from the first narcissist, but at least my current husband is not a sociopath. He does not torture me or animals like my first husband did. Maybe that’s why I overlooked or didn’t want to see because at least he’s so much better than the other one. I am paralyzed by depression/anxiety/pain/shock

I should have heeded all the crap I tallied in my last post, but my self worth obviously got me again. I can handle and overlook a lot for a loving/willing partner, this is just crazy-making. I deserve better. 

I am so embarrassed. I should be smarter than this, stronger. I used to be, even after I escaped the trauma from before. I used to be better for myself, for anyone, than this paralyzed state.

----

Cody is not what he seems. Cody has a vicious and ugly anger problem. Cody is the opposite of a feminist, a pro male rights guy (no joke). Cody has been gas lighting me into believing I am much crazier than I actually am. Cody wants helpful wife, if you can’t be helpful, Cody will ignore you.

----

I hope someone is listening. I might not make it, having to tear down my life again.

[thegoodvybe]

[interrobangaf]

Everything changes, nothing lasts what real life does to people.