Hmm

[intheclowncartrunk]

3266 steps

3,266 steps

That’s how many it took

To leave me shaking and shivering in this bed

My body left a husk

A corpse in the woods

A bear’s favorite chew toy

At what point did I cross my limit?

If I had stopped before making dinner

Before walking inside

If I hadn't tried to be normal

Would I be fine?

I just started a new job

Part time

Because that I can handle

But 3,266 steps and I'm not so positive

That I can handle anything at all

[intheclowncartrunk]

Books are people too

But e-books, those are ghosts

[confused-book-noises]

My phone battery has been expanding, along with various other problems and I've been working on trying to get a new one. It's gotten really bad the last two days BUT good news. My sister got in a car crash and a phone appeared in her car that we've never seen before and it's completely reset so I have a cheap budget phone to use until I get a new one!

[intheclowncartrunk]

A phone?????????? Where????????

[intheclowncartrunk]

Rate your pain

I’ve made the mistake of quantifying my pain

I was trying to silence my devil and angel

It hurts too much, it's not that bad

I don't quite know and I'm going mad

“Rate your pain on a scale of one to ten”

I usually say 4

It's there, but I'm not crying

A meaningless scale by meaningless men

I settled on a deep cat scratch

A fresh, stinging wound, blood beading

It's there, but I'm not crying

A kind of pain we all experience

But the thing is, it doesn't end

It doesn't scab or scar

There's no bandage there to soothe

I do, however, have my cat to hug

It would be foolish to expect someone to fall asleep

Their entire ribcage in tattered shreds

Each inch meticulously sliced

But I think that's exactly what I do expect

Sleep, stand, walk, sit

Cook, clean, drive, shop

Smile

The blood isn't dripping

I was seeking to quiet the devil

To tell her it wasn't too much

But squinting through the pain

A halo and horns look the same

[intheclowncartrunk]

After the fact

Arms shaking, you wave goodbye and smile

You walk, blocking every feeling from your mind

You reach your car and collapse

A wobbly sigh and pounding heart

Your face scrunches as you count to three

Mental blinders on, you drive

You don't cry as you gather your belongings

And make it through the door

Home is safety, and yet

You must prepare for the consequences

You sort away each burden

Your bed, the light at the end of the tunnel

A trap for the uninformed

You don your softest clothes

And lean heavily as you fill your water

An emergency snack joins it on the bedside table

As always, you sit on the floor and brush your teeth

But these days make it difficult to get back up

The finish line in sight, your face is washed

You carefully gather a book and other necessities

Placing them in reach

And finally, you can rest

Your bed welcomes you with tangible love

Each muscle protests as you relax

You are bound down by repairing muscles

As if you had run a marathon

Unthinkable

You won't be able to move much tomorrow

Your body too weak

Or your perception of it too strong

It shouldn't matter which

It matters

[intheclowncartrunk]

Scribblings on the wall

It hurts too much

I'm strong enough

My bones are leaden

My resolve thin

I do the most

I feel the least

I'm lucky

I'm strong

I can't

I won’t

It's out of control

I'm capable

I'm too sensitive

Too strong

I have to give up

I can do more

It needs to stop

It can do more

I need to stop

I feel

I feel

I feel

The ravings of a madwoman

[intheclowncartrunk]

Upon a Star

Once upon a time, I wished for my pain to be visible

For an aura of red to shout to the masses

“Please help! Please understand!” It would say

But today I'm scared of the truths it would tell

The way it would force me to advocate

And the lies that would unravel

Worse, I fear discovering how weak I am

If my body sports the dimmest red

And I come face to face with delusion

Still, sometimes I wake, my legs a mottled mess of causeless bruises

And the child in me rejoices at a wish come true

Because today, the pain is visible

[intheclowncartrunk]

Chairs

Sitting on a stool

Waiting in lines

Standing to perform at concerts

Playing board games

Walking to class, the store, or church

Playing games that my niblings want me to join

Obstacles that feel insurmountable

My 5 year old niece, arranging pillows for me in her playhouse

My little sister, sacrificing her own strength to hold me up

My flute teacher, arranging chairs across the stage for me

My mom, constantly making sure I am comfortable enough

My family, changing their plans so my back is supported

My best friend, making me brave enough to sit, and often demanding it

Through them, I feel the intense love that the world has to offer

[intheclowncartrunk]

Imposter Tree

We are all but leaves on the branch

Forming the verdant canopy overhead

But I have a sinking sneaking suspicion

They have injected poison into my veins

What an egocentric idea

Gusts of wind try and tear us

Am I quaking more than the rest?

After, I can't preen for a time

But the wind moved all of us

And everyone else bounced back

A deficit in chlorophyll?

How would I know?

Leaves don't have eyes

Paper thin flesh

Like everyone else

I'm not special

After all

I haven't

Fallen from

Our branch

Not

Yet

[intheclowncartrunk]

Interrogation

The woman is closed off

She shuns social interaction, guilty

Or at least that's what they say

What the unspoken rules insist

Crossed arms, crossed legs

Barriers

Her ribs don't want to stay still

The muscles around them burn

Pain attempting a hostile takeover

She fights to keep them in check

Crossed arms, crossed legs

Support

That isn't to say that she isn't guilty

Maybe her hands are stained red

Invisible to the naked eye

An altercation may have caused a flare

Crossed arms, crossed legs

No verdict

[intheclowncartrunk]

Red 40 is tasting suspiciously like blood these days

[intheclowncartrunk]

A Notification

Today I saw a notification

It was a chronically ill stranger I follow, saying that they were doing better

And I thought, that’s funny

I’m doing worse

Maybe I took the pain from them

If I could, I would, without hesitation

And I meant it

But that isn’t something the version of me I see in my head would say

So maybe I’m not selfish and lazy and weak

Maybe I really need the help

[intheclowncartrunk]

The Contortionist

She is a ghost of a girl

Putting on a mask for strangers before retreating to her cave

She is a lion in a pit

Trapped by a body that was supposed to be an ally

She deals in trades

A few hours gained for a few days spent frozen

She paints a smile on her face

And is stunned when the rare person sees through her facade

She looks to her future

And ignores the fact that her favorite cards are out of reach

She balances rest and success

Careful not to fall, because there isn’t a net

She can swallow fire

Because compared to the pain that’s already within her, it’s nothing

She creates illusions

So vivid that she starts to believe them herself

[confused-book-noises]

Marriage is scary because what if I have to clip his toenails and I accidentally clip a tiny bit of toe and he like “It’s fine” and he goes back to work at the lumberyard the next day without a bandaid or anything because he’s a man and he “don’t need no bandaid” and it’s fine until a few days later when I tells me he can’t really feel his foot so he takes off his boot to show me and his whole foot is like red and I notice the tiny wound from the nail clippers I had grown and is looking infected and I tell him we have to go to the hospital and he’s like fine but when we go, the doctor is not Gregory House so he just puts some antibiotic cream and a bandaid on the wound and tells us to go home but then literally the next day when we wake up I realize he’s really warm and then I can’t wake him up no matter what I try so I call 911 and the operator is not Maddie Buckley-Han and is bored but she sends an ambulance anyway and the paramedic is not Eddie Diaz and they take my husband to the hospital and I have to drive after them and I get pulled over and the cop is not Jake Peralta and gives me a ticket even though I explain that I’m on my way to the hospital because my husband was just taken by an ambulance so I end up getting to the hospital later than I should have and I’m annoyed and the doctor is not Mikhail Varshavski and he comes and tells me my husbands heart stopped and by tried to shock it back but it just didn’t work so I go talk to a lawyer and the lawyer is not Christopher Epps so he actually does really good and we sue the first doctor, the 911 operator, the paramedics, the cop, and the second doctor and we win all of them and I end up really rich but then I end up at a party and Elon Musk is there and he tries to talk to me about cybertrucks and the only thing I can make myself say is “ew” and then I leave and on my way home I get hit by a driver who is not Steven Strange and he drives off immediately and I’m left in my smashed car and honestly at this point I don’t trust any authority anymore so I call my sister’s boyfriend to help me move my car off the road and he drives me back to my house but when I get inside I’m really tired and also injured from the crash and I sit on the couch and turn on the news and it says that the third tower has been hit? What then? What do I do?

[intheclowncartrunk]

Hit the fourth tower

[confused-book-noises]

Excuse me what???? He’s??? Alive??

[intheclowncartrunk]

who???? Bobby???

[janeaustencomics]

Something I love about Pride and Prejudice is that it does not pass the REVERSE Bechdel test.

These men only talk about women to each other and only the important ones have names.

Oh, you're a genius.

[andersmmg]

Thank goodness Robert Sean Leonard wasn't in Much Ado About Nothing in Shakespeare's time