Part 1 : A guide to becoming a better listener (for INTJs or any other thinking personality)
If people often come to you for advice and you kinda don’t know how to respond to them without being offensive, then this post is for you.
From a young age, I’ve always been a listener in my social circle. I’m like my friend’s free personal life coach. Unwittingly being a listener for years has taught me a lot of things and today I’d like to pin point some important things that I think every thinker out there should know. Hopefully it would be a great help if you’re struggling in this area.
Point 1 : Advice can be harmful, so ask questions before giving any
INTJ is here and I’d like to get something straight. Although INTJs are known to be ‘the-know-it-all’ personality, it doesn’t mean I literally know everything. (Gee, I’m not a psychic.) And what does that mean? It stresses the fact that any advice that I’m about to give will be pointless or even harmful if I don’t put the effort to understand the root of the problem itself.
For example, someone told you they were having headaches. You asked them to take painkillers. It turned out that this person actually had a terminal brain cancer. Would taking painkillers help? No. But why did you say so? Because you didn’t fully understand this person’s situation before giving out advice.
See?
Something that you think will help, can actually worsen the situation.
I know you’re smart, I know you’re highly capable of doing so many wonderful things, but it doesn’t change the fact that you know nothing about someone’s history and be able to understand how they feel. So instead of judging them, try asking questions to clarify their point.
Also, refrain yourself from giving advice, especially if you don’t fully understand someone’s circumstances yet. Use your ability to see things from different angles to deal with this. Talk less, but listen and ask more.
Don’t hesitate to ask if you’re unsure about what they’re talking about. These phrases might help.
“I don’t think I fully get your point. Can you rephrase that?”
“Can you talk more slowly? I’m having a hard time keeping up.”
“What do you mean by ___?”
If you want to know more details about a particular thing, try asking these.
“When did it all start happening?”
“How did it become like that?”
“Can you tell me more about __?”
“What triggered this particular feeling/issue/thought/etc, do you think?”
Those phrases are the ones that I personally like to use. Feel free to copy them or create your own.
Point 2: There is no right or wrong, just different values and point of view
It’s normal to have different opinions on stuff. It’s also understanable to think that someone’s an idiot for doing certain things. However, telling them that they’re wrong won’t solve this. In most cases, it will make the argument heated instead. At times like this, it’s important to remember:
You both might have different perspective but it doesn’t make either of you are right or wrong.
I’d like to think that there’s no right or wrong, it all depends on one’s point of view. Back to the first point, the one who will fully understand someone’s condition is them, themselves, not us. What you think is right, might be wrong from them. What you think is the best, might not be the best for them, etc. Most importantly, you are not there to judge them and tell them whether something is acceptable or not.
So, instead of forcing your ideology or beliefs on them, try to be curious about what makes them come to a certain conclusion or notion. Try asking these following questions.
“That’s such interesting idea. Where did you get that from?”
“Okay, so you think that ____. What makes you think that?”
“Hmmm, sounds intriguing. Do you mind explaining more about that?”
I personally like to compliment their ideas first. This way, they will put their guard down and become more willing to be open to me. Why? Because I just claimed that what they said was terrific. It makes them want to talk about it more. And the question I ask in the end, will make them think that I put interest in what they are going to explain.
In a nutshell, be aware of the fact that sometimes it’s not about pointing out who is right and who is wrong. When it comes to active listening, it’s all about appreciating diversity and be willing to listen to someone who has completely different values from you. Not because you don’t have your own convictions, but it just indicates that you’re willing to learn something new, even when it’s something that you’re personally against. That’s what I call open mindedness.
So, if you think that you’re ‘more right’ just because you think you know more and feel the need to drag people to see things the same way as you do, at least that’s not what I call being open-minded, that means you’re being a dick.
Part 2? :)