It's getting harder to cope with loneliness because my old coping mechanisms are not working anymore. When I was 13-18 years old I distracted myself with fantasies and now being 22 years old I know for a fact they're not real and won't happen. I learned that through a series of disappointments and it has made me cynical and bitter. I'm starting to lose interest in many forms of entertainment. Now I'm just reading non-fiction to ensure my survival.
Loneliness for me is not solvable with being surrounded by people, having people to hang out with or to have small talks. My kind of loneliness can only be solved when I feel cared about, like my thoughts and feelings matter and that I can be myself 100% around the person. It can also be solved if I had a significant degree of influence over others (because it's another way of how people would care about us).
The problem with influence is we need to be someone else to attain it (in others words, through manipulation). I hate having to change myself to get something. I want to be my authentic self and still get it, but I know that's no possible.
So I'm stuck in this cycle of having so much to share while not having anybody to care because I'm not bothered enough to please anybody.
