I'm writing this for me. For whatever closure can even be, but I also wanted to post it because I made friends because of this fandom and however it ended that did mean something.
I'm going on permanent hiatus. I have no plans to deactivate this blog because this blog existed long before The Bear did and I don't have the heart to take it down.
I am grateful for what this fandom gave me. I came back to Tumblr again during a period of extremes in my life. I had found genuine and deep solace in The Bear and I was grateful to be able to talk about that passion with people who cared as much as I did.
It was a time in my life in which I needed an outlet, creatively among other things and this blog and fandom served as that outlet.
At the beginning of September, there was something that happened that illuminated the extent to which my participation in this fandom was no longer healthy.
That is not to say I see any of the time spent as wasted, but it became vividly clear the ways in which the effort I poured into this blog had become detrimental to me. I cared deeply about what I posted here in terms of metas and fics and the like but I realized I had become careless in ways that could have real consequences outside of this website.
Everything I did I did with eyes wide open, but the reality of what could be lost through this carelessness became very clear to me and I realized my energy was better spent elsewhere.
I have always appreciated the kind words on the things I have posted here. In a different version of this post I wanted to suggest people could DM me for access to my Substack where I plan to have all of that type of writing live going forward, but frankly I've already probably gambled with tangible consequences more than I should.
This is not a punishment or lashing out at anyone, I just realized that a version of the work I was doing here had more value attached to my real name and face.
Thank you to everyone who I've messaged with, even those who I didn't end on good terms with, I wish you well. It didn't have to end that way, but clearly we don't see eye to eye on that.
To those I called crazy, I can call you crazy and count myself among you, but it's clear you wanted a reason to punish me, and I handed you one. It was fun while it lasted.
I wish I could continue to engage with this website on a healthy basis, but based on my entire experience here, I know that's not possible for me. I am grateful for the people I met and the ways in which my life was enriched, despite it all I can see the ways this website was at one point a positive influence in my life.
If you read this far, I guess you were really curious about my diatribe about why I'm leaving. I'm not sure anyone will notice my absence more than they already had, but I'm just living up to my handle.
Invisibly,
invisible rambler
