sometimes I feel like going to therapy is pointless. I get there and I sit down on the literal couch and I try and unscrew the wire clamping my jaws together but my hands keep slipping and this is taking forever and do I really want to unravel all of this mess right before my 50 minutes is up and then all of a sudden the time really is up and I am immediately full of shame that I sat there and talked about meaningless bullshit for the entire therapeutic hour and once again made zero fucking progress on the topics that actually matter.
And the thing that kills me is like. I know that this is literally the shame talking and I know that talking about it makes it slightly more bearable and I know that in order for her to help me I do have to meet the bare minimum requirement of telling her where it hurts but none of that helps when i can't make myself open my goddamn mouth???
I don't know how to make myself vulnerable in front of another person. You want me to just hand them a knife and trust them not to stab me with it??
