This dream will not end

>

[trashout]

he

[ithinkineedanaspirin]

Person: What's your type?

Me: INFP 4w5 469 Taurus sp/so true neutral slytherin phlegmatic

Person: No, I mean like what type of person are you attracted to?

Me: Oh, I see! Haha, silly me.

Me: ENFJ 2w3 293 Gemini so/sp neutral good hufflepuff sanguine

[jisatsu-draw]

[THE BODYGUARD THEME SONG INTENSIFIES]

[foxkunkun]

Happy 10th anniversary Lamento~♪

[darkgreyclouds]

might as well put my shame here too. From twitter.

[hiratzuka]

[in-sunlight]

Dearly beloved.

[Pairing meme twitter fill for Komo, Rai/Konoe, 1B!]

[llkiri-kao]

[walterwhitemediocrity]

[dumbti-deactivated20180215]

[anon voice] is chronic illness sx-blind?

[aviesarrchive-deactivated202005]

No because sp users are immune to all sickness

[dumbti-deactivated20180215]

say it with me, children of the mind:

cognition 👏👏 controls 👏👏 autoimmune 👏👏 response

[artemisrisen]

yoneda sensei posted a playlist of songs that inspire saezuru on twitter!!! most of the songs seem to be available on youtube and spotify - go check it out!

[foreigndrift]

[ithinkineedanaspirin]

Me: *goes to Slow Damage webpage*

Me: *gently touches faceless MC*

Me: *whispers* prepare to get eaten by your bestie

[keiko-chan]

Makoto and Haru || Free! Timeless Medley

[yakuzacatsan-blog]

Kageyama likes Yashiro but gave up on him too soon...

I know that Kageyama has some haters in the Saezuru fandom but I’d like to think that somehow, both of their personalities are the greatest factor as to why they did and could not work out as a couple. So here’s my theory:

Both Yashiro and Kageyama were infatuated with each other but both are shy to admit it and eventually resigned to the fact that neither can fall in love. Now I can hear people disagreeing with me right now, but let me explain.

Let us put emphasis on the last box. “Now he always brings me band-aids whenever he catches me with scars.” It’s touching, I know. Given that no one actually bothered to give Yashiro that kind of care that he needed but seriously?! We all know Kageyama’s magical obsession with scars but I think that pity is only half the reason why he gives Yashiro the band-aids. 

I mean, come on guys, does this look like pity?!

HELL, NO! IT DOESN’T LOOK LIKE A FUCKING MEDICAL EXAM!!!

In my opinion, he started giving those band-aids because it really distracts Kageyama, to the point that he does not realize this himself. Kageyama may have at least thought that he is weird himself (honestly with a fetish like that?) but Yashiro did not judge him for it, so he used the situation to his advantage. I’d like to think that this must have been a dream come true for Kageyama, obviously since no one was willing to bear with his weird fetish. And Yashiro states that they have been doing this for about two fucking weeks. 

TWO FUCKING WEEKS, EVERY SINGLE DAY. AND IT DID NOT END THERE!!! THEY JUST HAD TO FIND ANOTHER PLACE TO DO THAT!!!

To hell with it, these two are fucking oblivious fucking idiots ugh, it’s annoying me!!!! They just had to deny this and deny that and ugh. And look! They both look so fucking depressed because none of them wanted to clear up the suspicion, of what their relationship really is. 

Sheesh man, this is really tough… But you know what, this is not going to work anyway. Why is that? They met in a very compromising situation (being classmates and all) but suddenly it became a very uncompromising situation (with Kageyama starting to touch Yashiro like this). I think the reason why Kageyama was afraid to ask was aside from the fact that it isn’t his business, he is afraid to be rejected by Yashiro, his first and only real friend.

And what does Yashiro do? Slap reality on Kageyama’s face.

Oh Kageyama’s reaction on this one is so fucking real, hahaha! To other people it might have looked like he was just in shock what I first saw was a pained reaction.  I bet Kageyama was already starting to question his feelings at this point but Yashiro made the wrong timing of telling this right at that moment. It made Kageyama feel that he was being compared to the infamous stepfather of Yashiro’s. It’s like… his mind translated Yashiro’s words to:

“My stepfather sexually abused me since I was a kid, now don’t you realize that you are abusing me too while using your weird fetish as an excuse?”

If you word it like that it just seems…ouch man, you don’t have to shove it in my face. Nevertheless, he was glad that Yashiro opened up to him.

(That face though… Kageyama really looked like Doumeki ;_;)

Anyway, I think that this is the moment where Kageyama had to reevaluate his approach towards Yashiro, the exact moment where he decided to just be friends with Yashiro. In his mind (although this is not what Yashiro intended to do) Kageyama has wronged Yashiro, so he wanted to atone for his sins (if you want to put it like that). But still, he wanted to be close to Yashiro.

(We all know what this did to Yashiro, huhu) 

I think some part of Kageyama thought that Yashiro is angry at him (as he seemed very glad to see Yashiro at the wake of his late father) and thus the relief on his face. But seriously, this scene is so unfuckingbelievable I don’t even want to believe they did not get together. like, ugh. WHY?

Okay, I’ve been dragging this too long, I need to stop ranting. 

So going back to the point, what went wrong? I think it all went wrong here, in this instance where Yashiro confesses to him (this is the closest thing to a confession Yashiro ever said to Kageyama) and as we all know, Kageyama leaves the scene. Many people have said that it was rude for him to leave but Kageyama here, cannot fully understand Yashiro’s thinking. Actually, more like it led him to an unfortunate and painful conclusion. 

(Note that this is the moment where Kageyama stopped resembling Doumeki.)

I know a lot of people found it rude for Kageyama to leave but if I were to insert my theory here, I would say that Kageyama was irritated by the fact that Yashiro could joke about something like that, given that if Kageyama really does have feelings for Yashiro, it would give him false hopes about Yashiro liking him. Also, considering the reason why he stopped touching Yashiro, he obviously does not want to cross that barrier because he cares about Yashiro. 

One of my proofs of how much he is “fond” of Yashiro is this scene when he’s talking with Doumeki. Given that Kage is pretty much shy, I doubt that he can actually admit to Doumeki whatever it was he felt way back when. But the thoughtfulness on his face here is just so… idk. So sad..unfortunate…

OH just how stupid these two idiots are, ugh…

In any way, this started the misunderstanding between the two of them.

Yashiro thinks that Kageyama is self-centered

Kageyama thinks that Yashiro is the one who is self-centered.

Without really asking one another what they are really thinking, they both dismissed each other’s actions as such since they are both shy to ask anyway. Yashiro is too shy to admit that he likes Kageyama that he had to lie and pretend that he doesn’t while Kageyama has been lying to himself that he can only be attracted to women (given that it is what is expected from someone like him, the son of a doctor) while in truth he actually cares about Yashiro so much. In this part where he saw Yashiro went manic after someone insulted him, he didn’t ask why but he comforted Yashiro in the best way he can. (thus the hug)

(They didn’t show Kage’s face here but I can tell he’s hurt too ;-;)

Most importantly, they both are only infatuated with each other. Since Yashiro disappeared from Kage’s life, his infatuation for the latter eventually diminished. We all know Yashiro, he still had this twisted desire for Kageyama since then.

BUT OF COURSE, IT ALL VANISHED THROUGH THIN AIR WHEN KUGA AND DOUMEKI ARRIVED IN THEIR FUCKED UP LIVES!!! 

As opposed to what I was saying earlier, Kageyama met Kuga in an uncompromising situation (wherein Kuga was beating one of Yashiro’s subordinates) and both settled for the compromising situation (which is to live together.) I know that Kuga is often compared to Yashiro, and honestly, I believe this is one of the reasons why Kageyama was initially attracted to Kuga, because he reminded him of a side of Yashiro that he rarely ever saw. Besides… Kuga is like the virgin Yashiro, so technically this will work for him. (He’s really perverted with the way he attacks Kuga btw… I don’t think someone like Yashiro, with a trauma and a huge hatred for men, can actually tolerate Kageyama’s perverted desires so yeah… you get that…)

Which is why, if Kageyama met Yashiro in an uncompromising situation back when he still looks and acts like this big oaf (which is barely 20 years ago), his reaction will most likely be like this:

Since Doumeki met Yashiro in an uncompromising situation (wherein Yashiro is being fucked by a detective) and later settled for the compromising situation (the bodyguard and boss drama), Doumeki’s interest to Yashiro just increased and made him want to ask questions. After all, Doumeki is more like the honest Kageyama for me. Like I said, Kageyama is really shy with his feelings and if he’s partnered with Yashiro, someone who is really shy as well, there will be no closure for the both of them. In fact, I think Doumeki asking Kageyama there about what he felt towards Yashiro was the closest thing to a closure Yashiro and Kageyama had since they never have really been honest with each other. 

That is why I think Doumeki is perfect for Yashiro, hihi!

In any way, I’ll make a separate analysis for Doumeki and Yashiro’s impending relationship soon, so yeah, sorry for dragging this too long! So, what do you guys think?  Let me know your thoughts, everyone! 

[artemisrisen]

 as one of the flag-bearers for anti-kageyama rhetoric, this….make a whole lot of sense to me, especially given the recent chapter? and seeing it laid out plainly like this has made me start to question a LOT of the behavior that kageyama has exhibited up until now. 

and actually, since his reaction to kuga’s pronouncement that yashiro is in love with doumeki in chapter 16.5, I’ve been baffled by him because WHY is this such a big deal to you? your weird friend since high school is capable of love, why is this such a huge shock? 

I just noticed how he twists it around and puts it on doumeki, and kuga’s like “no dipshit, I’m not talking about him, PAY ATTENTION.” 

given that kageyama is canonically “oblivious” to people’s feelings, most of all yashiro’s, it’s not exactly a stretch to assume that he felt a connection to yashiro and didn’t realize the depth of which it was reciprocated. 

and ALSO…this part of the latest chapter (SPOILERS FOR CHAPTER 28) has bothered me immensely:

1) why did he ask yashiro this OUT OF NOWHERE. literally, out of nowhere. they don’t have these kind of deep talks, so what spurred this on? and don’t just say kuga mentioned it, because kuga may have planted the seed but kageyama is, like….fertilizing it or some shit, I dunno, something something growing the idea metaphor.

2) WHY DOESN’T HE LOOK AT HIM WHEN HE SAYS IT? 

3) look at him- he’s PISSY. he’s crossing his arms and looking petulant/irritated as fuck, WHY? You asked him, kageyama! YOU brought it up! so what the hell? 

now, do I think he and yashiro would make a good couple oh HELL no. but to live in this stalmate of love, where they both hovered around each other and neither was willing to make a move? yes. yes, this makes sense. 

AHHHH time to re-read the chapters and further pursue this thread! 

[domeyashiro]

I saw your reblog too late, so here are some more thoughts on the questions you raised.

1. I think Kageyama asks, because (thanks to Kuga) he’s beginning to see through Yashiro’s bullshit. The revelation that Yashiro is in love with Doumeki totally changed the image he had of him. Yashiro always seemed unfazed by his harsh fate, he never seemed emotionally attached to anyone, including Kageyama, and he never showed any real feelings at all. Kageyama says in his conversation with Doumeki in chapter 7 that Yashiro used to look like it never even crossed his mind that someone might pity him. He didn’t seem to have any problems with things being the way they were for him. So knowing that Yashiro has feelings for and is even capable of loving someone came as a huge surprise to Kageyama, because it contradicted everything he thought he knew about Yashiro. But now, thanks to Kuga pointing things out to him, he seems to be starting to see Yashiro as a real human being for the first time, not just some weirdo who he can’t leave to himself. He’s beginning to understand that it was stupid of him to deny Yashiro the capability to have feelings just like everyone else.

And now he realizes that Yashiro is about to make a huge mistake, and as his only friend he probably feels responsible to call him out on it. Especially since he seems to have taken a liking to Doumeki, too. He knows that nobody else will try to stop Yashiro. Nanahara and Sugimoto can’t openly disagree with their boss. Maybe Kuga would give him some shit if he saw him, but that would just result in an even more uncomfortable situation for Kageyama, because Yashiro doesn’t take shit from Kuga.

But this doesn’t change the fact that Kageyama probably doesn’t want to be the person to have this talk with Yashiro. Which brings me to questions 2 and 3. I think Kageyama feels super awkward to bring this up in front of Yashiro. He can’t even look him in the eyes, because they don’t usually have this kind of deep talk, just as you said. (And Kageyama isn’t the right guy to talk about feelings with anyone anyway.) But now he has no choice, because no matter if he thinks Yashiro cares about his opinion, HE cares about Yashiro. He’s not good at showing it, and is usually grumpy when he talks to him, but he has been his friend for 20 years. He hates the fact that Yashiro threw his life away to become a yakuza. He even beat him up for it when he found out and all Yashiro had to say to him was, “Hey, nobody forces you to be my friend.”

Then out of nowhere Doumeki comes along and says he respects Yashiro, and now look at Kageyama’s face in this panel:

He listens up and is instantly intrigued by this huge guy who hasn’t shown any kind of emotion so far, but is so open and straightforward with his feelings for Yashiro. And Kageyama believes Doumeki. When he talks with him at the bar later he willingly tells him everything Doumeki wants to know about Yashiro’s past. So Kageyama knows that Doumeki is pretty serious about his boss, and he seemed relieved to finally meet someone who’s neither scared of Yashiro nor makes fun of him.

But then Yashiro walks in and has the audacity to say he kicked Doumeki to the curb as if he was talking about throwing away an old pair of shoes, after Doumeki even cut off his own finger for him and apologized to Kageyama for not being able to protect Yashiro. So I could imagine that Kageyama is pretty pissed off right now and in the right mood to kick Yashiro’s ass, just like that time when he became a yakuza.

Anyway, I seriously hope the scene will continue with Kageyama yelling at Yashiro what a fucking idiot he is for dismissing Doumeki’s feelings like that, and his own feelings too, of course. Especially since Kageyama still owes Yashiro a favor for hooking him up with Kuga.

[wouldnt-touch-you-anyway]

Eh I can’t argue with the facts of the manga (and I think this is a really cool compilation of panels taking a look at their relationship and all the negative space therein), but I still hold the belief that Yashiro’s behavior as a teenager was a near constant cry for help and that if Kageyama had WANTED to dig deeper, he could have. I would like it though if, in present day, Kageyama actually found it within himself to say fucking anything to Yashiro, so Yashiro hopefully knows that Kageyama does not want him to ditch Doumeki and isolate himself. THEN I might start to see a little bit more humanness in Kageyama.

[speia-deactivated20180323]

“But weren’t you… in love with him?”

Twittering birds never fly - Yoneda Kou

[mbti-notes]

My past few relationships have been consecutive, and I ended each of them and am currently moving on into another. In these relationships I was aware that I was dissatisfied, but my concurrent cynical and perfectionistic tendencies are qualities that make me overanalyze my relationships in ways that are detrimental. I hate thinking that way and I make effort to try and see things positively for the sake of the quality of the relationship, but after some time I realized that I would ultimately

[con’t: convince myself that I was happy (or any emotion for that matter). There’s this air of false gratitude I keep exerting and it’s consciously something I don’t even notice I’m doing. I want to be more realistic about my how I feel about things, anything really, but specifically relationships because the older I get the more I’ve persuaded myself that emotions are not always the most trustworthy guide for action. I analyze my emotions to such a degree that they become rationalizations. I can’t tellif this is a beneficial exercise or if I’m inadvertently suppressing what I feel. Sometimes I feel like I’m very good at converting my feelings into what I find to be the right way to feel for whatever situation I’m dealing with. I often feel like I’m lying to myself and it causes an innate sadness and intense cognitive dissonance. Is it possible to detect these lies I’m telling myself if I’m unaware of the fact that they are lies at all? I don’t want to continue this cycle, because it makes me do fickle things which is quite an aberration because I’m principally a decisive person. I’m an INFJ btw and I guess I’m trying to figure out what functions are at work here and where the conflict stands.]

INFJ was obvious in the first sentence. What I hear in your description: 1) Repetitive Ni-Ti mental circles that do not include any external/objective feedback. If you want to understand something that you don’t understand, the answer is obviously not found in yourself, so thinking about it over and over to yourself will not get you anywhere. The answer is to be found by learning something new, which requires reaching outward, and your submission is an indication that you are coming to this realization. Do you seek out advice from people often? Do you do things that expand your knowledge of the things you don’t understand? Do you ever get unsolicited advice from people, if so, what form does it take and how do you react to it? Unhealthy INFJs are quite closed to outside feedback if it disagrees with them.

2) Self-centeredness or self-preoccupation in ruminating about what you think, feel, believe, etc, with no external focus on what impact your thinking/actions have in the world. You want to learn more about yourself? You’re not going to if you just keep going over the things you already know about yourself, which doesn’t seem to be much. As an Fe type, it is necessary for you to learn about yourself through the reflection that you receive back from others. It is easy to spot an INFJ with unhealthy relationships because they only talk about how they feel or how unhappy they were in a relationship without any reference to the other person’s perspective or any mention of what they themselves were contributing to the relationship. If you want to grow as a person, think less about what the relationships did/didn’t do for you and start thinking more about: how your thinking/actions contributed to the demise of those relationships, whether you could have improved them in some way before walking away, why you chose those people only to discard them, what really drove you to end each one. If you repeat mistakes, it means you haven’t properly learned from them.

3) A feeling of being stuck in yourself and unable to connect to anything tangible in the world. Unhealthy INFJs have low self-esteem and, instead of facing up to that problem and solving it properly, they tend to channel it into a quest to become perfect or live life perfectly according to a very distorted definition of “perfection”, which prompts them to excise whatever aspect of themselves or life they perceive as “imperfect”. If someone gets in the way of your vision of perfection, avoid or discredit them. If an object or event disturbs your vision of what the world should be, eliminate or correct it. If a romantic partner is not what you had hoped for, manipulate them to suit you and dump them when it fails. If negative feelings and emotions make you lose confidence, deflect or suppress them. If your mistakes or wrongdoing interfere with your perfect persona, disown responsibility. If you see something undesirable about yourself, fake being something else. You get the idea. Because of this mentality, it is very easy for INFJs to be entirely cut off from themselves as their focus is only on how the world never measures up to their unreasonable expectations, then they busy themselves with trying to “correct” everything (misuse of Ti-Se) when actually they should be correcting themselves and their own problematic mentality.

4) Detachment from emotional life. Emotional life is a crucial component of self-knowledge. You are not fully aware and knowledgeable about your feelings yet you act upon them. The problem is not that feelings and emotions are untrustworthy, the problem is that you don’t understand and accept them as they really are, you don’t know where they come from or what they mean. You interpret them incorrectly, so, of course, they lead you to make problematic decisions. Emotional intelligence requires you to be in touch with your body and physical existence because that is where emotions originate. Are you in touch with your body? Do you listen to emotions as soon as they arise or do you try to push them away until you can no longer ignore them (once they have mutated into something destructive)? Do you feel threatened by negative feelings and emotions?People rationalize emotions when they fear them, when they don’t want to look at their true insecurities.Work on your emotional intelligence.

Ni distortion/confusion and shallow interpretations, Fe inability to connect well emotionally with others (because of being emotionally cut off from oneself), Ti endless and convoluted rationalizing instead of confronting the plain facts about oneself, Se inability to recognize or appreciate what is real in life (only seeing what is lacking and blind to the good that already exists). All your functions require development, refer to the Type Development guide. What you describe is common for INFJs. They want to be decisive but cannot when they get lost beneath layers and layers of abstracting, interpreting, intellectualizing, and rationalizing - just a bunch of defense mechanisms that keep you emotionally numb and unaware. This eventually leads to Se grip behavior like running away from difficult situations, becoming too controlling, resignation, or self-indulgence. To detect self-deception, you need to 1) drop the pretense and admit that your idea of perfection is horribly flawed and the direct cause of your unhappiness, and 2) seek and listen to outside criticism. What is the truth about you (Ni-Ti) and what do you want to contribute to the world (Fe-Se)? If you cannot answer this from a genuine place, you will be stuck for awhile. It seems that your interest in changing yourself is merely due to feeling bothered by seeing yourself as imperfect (”because I’m principally a decisive person”), not because you genuinely want to become a better person. The right change must come from the right intention.