Ithinktoodumb(:

eiswerya

[free-my-mindd]

Forgive yourself

[limbrenewal]

good morning sunshine

crawled back into the cave for a nap and a show, alarm set to go off in my own time. concern blinds you to the do not disturb sign thoughtfully hung on the door. fine. just as unsurprising, we find my expectation does nothing to curb my annoyance. I do hate always being right. a short sprint to wake up the bones, fire up the metabolism, shake up the placidity. scream until my throat is raw. flail and wiggle and stretch and fight. fuck off, I love you.

[velartis]

Franz Kafka, 1912

[vexheart]

[iwasborninspring]

I just want you to know,

I still wake up with your face in my mind,

Sometimes.

I count the time we have not spoken.

Every day feels like a subsequent break,

before I can talk to you again.

We never had a proper goodbye.

I just want you to know,

Sometimes when he kisses me,

I picture you.

I hate myself for that.

Physically, I have moved on but you're still here in me.

Are you hearing me?

We never had a proper goodbye.

(2018)

[remanence-of-love]

[vexheart]

[secretumpoeta]

You stare at that which lies upon the surface. The intricate designs and beauty as the light glistens and dances upon what the world sees. Everything you think and say are based upon this and this alone. For you dare not peek beneath the surface. The depths. The cold. The truth that lies within a blackness so deep that most dare not venture into that unknown. What dwells beneath what you think is the whole story. But in reality? It’s your comfortable truth that allows you to judge based on your own morality. How lazy and uncivilized we have truly become. But as long as it allows you to sit upon the highest of thrones, so be it. ~ B.T.

[ithinktoodumb]

“The Disconnect”

—————————

My phone is plugged in,

its cord stretching from the wall like a lifeline,

and I sit here on the floor,

fingers tapping out small fragments of us,

keeping the connection alive—

at least on my end.

But then he says,

“I have to go, my phone is out of charge.”

A pause,

not long enough to register as anything more than a flicker,

but it lands hard.

He didn’t used to care about that—

letting it run low,

talking until our words were the only things left buzzing

in the dark.

Now the battery matters.

Now he cares about conserving what’s left

for something else,

somewhere else,

someone else?

I sit,

my phone full,

our conversation draining.

I don’t blame him.

I built this silence, didn’t I?

I poured myself into those moments,

let him become everything

while I forgot to leave something for myself.

I stretched us thin,

like the frayed wires in my hands,

and maybe it’s only fair

that he’s unplugging now.

I remember the nights

when we’d talk through the dead hours,

when nothing in the world

was worth more than the glow of his voice,

when charging didn’t matter—

not if it meant staying with me,

staying in the conversation.

But now,

he lets the charge run out,

lets the silence stretch between us

like the fraying cable in my hands.

He says he cares,

but care isn’t found in the dead minutes

between texts that don’t come,

in calls that end before they’ve begun,

in the excuses, the distractions,

the dying battery

he won’t fight anymore.

And I’m still here,

phone alive,

waiting by the plug,

while he lets his go dark.

[ithinktoodumb]

I feel burnt out… I don’t know who to ask for help. I feel like I’m losing myself. I feel like I’ve lost myself…

I need a break.. is that from school? Is that from my extracurricular? Is that from people?… is that from myself…?

I want to cry but I can’t.. I want to feel but I can’t. Maybe I’m just not meant to be

[crestfallenstars]

I miss her.

I miss how loud she was.

I miss all the random things she knew.

I miss how she'd always be laughing and you couldn't shut her up.

I've lost her, and I don't know if I'm going to get myself back again.

love, crestfallenstars

[crestfallenstars]

And sometimes when I close my eyes for a split second

The very thought of us dancing in our kitchen, barely clothed

Infatuates every corner of my brain.

The haunting idea of it feeling and looking like a Wes Anderson film lingers through the air.

As if it has already happened, but the truth of the matter is

It never will.

And though I have gotten over you, it seems like some parts of my mind haven't.

love, crestfallenstars

[crestfallenstars]

For the first time in 12 years, I felt like myself again.

It felt relieving, that this mask could slowly be lowered.

And yet I'm still paranoid if this is a gift or a test.

[crestfallenstars]

pigeon by the pond

I wish I was the pigeon by the pond.

Not held by the chains of the complexity of human life.

It's unnecessarily complex, work until we die, study until the colors of life dissipate into an acrylic nothingness.

The pigeon by the pond seems to have no care.

It sits by the pond, taking rest before flying south for the winter.

Observing and wondering why we humans have the need to constantly move, the constant need to do something, the constant need to hurt ourselves and others.

Why can't we exist, simply for the sake of it?

Just like the pigeon by the pond, staring at the Lilypad's, waiting for nothing to happen.

love, crestfallenstars

life seems a little hectic right now, but you'll get through it, you always do.

[ithinktoodumb]

I’m turning out to be like my mom and dad.

I’m proud of that, but I’m disgusted too.

[ithinktoodumb]

Would you miss my presence?

I wish to leave…

I wish to leave these walls we call home.

It doesn’t feel like home.

It hurts me; being judged, then being pampered and the being judged for wanting to be loved truly

I’m just a kid. What do you expect me to do?

I tried working at bettering my academics, it only got worse. It only gets worse.

I tried a sport, but you stopped me. My academics matter more you said.

I tried,and I tried, and I tried… and I did good sometimes. I was the best sometimes- but you only found faults. You questioned my ability. You said “oh the play must be easy”, the shock where you went “really? You did good?”

You tried being a nice parent, you tried following what the books told you- how to parent, what teens want. You read them all. But you forgot to read me.

You occasionally bust out claiming you’re proud of me, of who I am, of what I do or what I did. And those instances are where I’ve either put the dishes inside or organised the house. I don’t understand if that’s sarcasm you use or the lines from books you randomly remember to use.

And that hurts me more, because you never have appreciated something I truly loved doing. You tried supporting me, you tried, but you failed. You blamed me again. I’m the root of all cause, you said.

“Not everything’s meant to revolve around you”, you yelled. I could see the disappointment in you.

I tried explaining, but tears ran down my face. Caging my mouth, stopping me from expressing myself. Communication has always been an issue among us. Why? I didn’t know. But I need you to understand, I require things to revolve around me, i need you mum and dad.

I miss how things were before. When all our schedules matched, when our time together was more important than grades; when we understood each other.

We live under the same roof, and yet you know nothing about me. You still think I like art. You still get me the Vada form that one shop. You still think I’m popular in school.Ma, papa, that’s not me anymore.

I’ve grown. Time flew and you missed seeing me rise. The office work seemed more important and now you’re imposing it on me. But I don’t want school to be most important for me. It’s you. You’re my most important. Please don’t take you away from me.

I love you guys, little brother you too.

But I keep thinking…

Ways to end this pain, this change, this life.

I don’t want it. And even if I try I can’t keep it.

I’m sorry I didn’t reach your expectations. I’ll do better.

Don’t you wish little brother was your only child?

I ponder on that a lot… I see you guys happy, way happier than you are now.

This would have been my final goodbye, on an app none of you know of. It would have been lost in the archives… but I’ve decided to live.

I did survive the last six years, two more won’t hurt.

In those two years I’ll take you guys to travel all across the world. We’ll visit every place we can possibly think of.

And back to India would be our last adventure together. That’s when I bid goodbye.. somewhere cold, unaware of my environment, I’ll be washed away in the waters and be one with the sea.

You taught me swimming, but this time around I would choose to not do what I was taught and do what I’ve wanted to do for the past eight years.

Ill drown.

I’ll drown, thinking about every moment in my life that has bought me joy. And I know that those moments would be you guys…

I love you all, truly

You’re my favourite humans and I didn’t do what I did (tried to end my existence)because of you. I just had to.

———————————————————

I got yelled at, and this went on in my mind. I need help. My suicidal episodes keep flashing before my eyes.

[ithinktoodumb]

So school started….

Shit