Yeah trust me it *is* horrifying. Iâm ashamed of who I was and I think my only atonement is to talk about how damn easy it is to become one when youâre young.
This is gonna be a long post.
For a little bit of background, I am a mixed race person, half brown and half white. I was raised in a Muslim family and am still closeted around them.
I started to have issues with Islam at around 12 or so, when I first started to get the idea that I might be gay. Now I never would have admitted that was my reason. If you had asked me I probably would have said âlogicâ or something. Because of that I went hard into atheism and atheist circles.
Now people hate to admit this but ex-Muslim spaces are predominantly right wing. Ex-Muslims often see the left as âtoo tolerantâ towards a religion that hurt them. This was the only community I had though, and I read through everything. I was 13.
The other thing that people hate to admit is that, especially when youâre young, being mixed race is so damn hard. If I acted âtoo whiteâ, following my motherâs German/Austrian traditions, I was accused of hiding my true nature. But if I acted âtoo brownâ I was just another camel jockey. So I hid my âIndianâ customs from others and tried passing as white. Especially online.
So Iâm not saying this is all youtubeâs fault or anything. I was raised to believe that the brown half of my family was lesser and stupid. And with my hatred of Islam, I believed it doubly.
Then came Anita Sarkeesian. I was watching pewdiepie and from there my recommendations were all set. If Iâm remembering the pipeline it was pewdiepie - Philip Defranco - Chris Ray Gun (sp?) - Thunderfoot - Sargon - etc. But I was pretty much acquainted with all of the right wing youtube of the day.
Funnily enough, I found her through Thunderfoot. That got me into antifeminism, and more specifically, GamerGate.
I was primarily on the subreddits KIA (Kotaku In Action) and TIA (Tumblr In Action). Both made fun of the SJWs. I kid you not, I would gleefully wait for âSanity Sundayâ, where the people would talk about how feminism is disgusting, cultural appropriation is fake, the wage gap isnt real, etc. I would scroll through this tag for hours.
I got most of my youtube recommendations from those subreddits. This led me from GamerGate to more fascist lines of thinking, such as watching videos about why BLM is a terrorist organization, why all muslims were evil rapists, and why I was fundamentally right to reject my Indian heritage and follow my âcorrectâ heritage.
From here I delved into ârace realismâ, and I believed it all. I had to. This was the only community I had felt safe in. One of the fash guys even offered to shack me up at his house if my parents kicked me out for being atheist. I was 15.
To say that again, I was 15 and believed that white was right, blue lives matter, âwe wuz kangsâ, etc. I never would have called myself a fascist or a Nazi. How could I? I used my brown skin as a token, so that people could point to me and say: âSee, we arenât misogynistic and racist! We have this brown girl right here.â But I believed in all the things the Nazis did. Iâm not going to pretend I didnât. I will never pretend I didnât.
But then something happened. I admitted to myself, and to a few others, that I was gay. And suddenly, the homophobia that I had molded myself in, it didnât fit right. I happened to, by accident, click on the reddit thread of GamerGhazi, the opposition to GamerGate. And after a long bout of introspection I found out that they were accepting of gay people, that the things I had been experiencing were common, that maybe, just maybe, we didnât need a white ethnostate.
I donât want to be dramatic but that accidental click saved my life.
From there it was a road of recovery. I deleted all my old accounts, made new ones, and started to read leftist theory. I found better friends, cut out old people. So now, just about two years later, Iâm healing.
I think thatâs everything. I probably got some times and dates wrong because Iâve been trying to move on from it. But if you need more info or anything like that, please let me know.
germansingergirl
vaporwave
romaincrisis
pixelskylines
izzy806
theartofmadeline
