[itsforthebetter9]

and before you know it

you’re taller than the mother that once towered over you

an immovable force penetrated

by the sharp blade of growing up

[itsforthebetter9]

tear stained pillow case and i’m staring at the ceiling. there is no reality where my pillow is dry. there is no reality where my eyes are closed. i am awake and crying in every universe there is.

[itsforthebetter9]

i am a mosaic of every person i have ever loved

[itsforthebetter9]

i think i’ve sewn my heart a little too tightly onto my sleeve

[itsforthebetter9]

credit:

ethel cain, “sun bleached flies” / @flowerytale / ethel cain, “hard times” / franz kafka, in a letter to max brod / pinterest, @sweetlikecinnamon19 / sylvia plath, the unabridged journals of sylvia plath / ethel cain, “hard times” / pinterest, @staygentlesofi

[itsforthebetter9]

when my time comes i will sit at the gates of heaven and in lieu of god’s sermon i will preach;

may god bless the cracks between my broken bones, for he is the one that put them there in the first place

[itsforthebetter9]

and when i ask the preacher,

why should i believe in a god that has never believed in me?

what will he say?

what will he say then?

[itsforthebetter9]

when my time comes i will sit at the gates of heaven with a crowbar and a chip on my shoulder. i will not ask for forgiveness; i will not repent. i will carry my sins in the palms of my hands and when god asks to see them i will ask to see his hands too. i’ll show you mine if you show me yours.

[itsforthebetter9]

and i ask God,

where do i put all of my rage?

and He says,

in the same drawer as the rest of your hand-me-downs

[itsforthebetter9]

does god know you pray for him in the dead of night? does he care that your knees are raw? tell me, how long will you repent before you are finally satisfied?

[itsforthebetter9]

this is life, and life goes on.

may i love may i love may i love.

[itsforthebetter9]

i look at my mother and she says to me,

God will forgive all of your sins;

and i say to her,

but what about my forgiveness? what good is God’s relinquish if i am the one holding the grudge?

[itsforthebetter9]

i lie on my bed

staring up at the ceiling

i think about calling home

but dial your number instead

it’s the same thing really,

it’s the same thing

[itsforthebetter9]

i watched my friends dance in my kitchen today. i will keep loving until their legs give out.

i will love i will love i will love.

and thank god for that.

[itsforthebetter9]

and i realize now

that every time i don’t speak

every time i stay silent

every time i hold back

or every time i sit still

that i am just a daughter

biting my mothers tongue

and we are both bleeding

[itsforthebetter9]

the winter months are cold and lonely and i’m trying, believe me, but snow doesn’t feel the same when your hands aren’t as small as they used to be

[itsforthebetter9]

there is a longing inside of me like a fire that burns brighter everyday and i do not know how to put out the flames

— i don’t need thoughts and prayers, i need a fire extinguisher