The Life of an Ordinary Girl

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Day 366 in The Life of an Ordinary Girl

My last entry. I've had this blog going for a whole year, and I can honestly say it has helped me so much. Since writing this, knowing my sister and very few others close to me read it, has given me more confidence to talk to them when I'm struggling, because they know what's happening, and they're starting to understand how it feels for me. And being able to open up to them has saved me on more that one occasion. I have battled a fair bit this past year. I have overcome many fears. I have lost some people, but gained so many whom I do now love dearly. I've helped those I know, close to me or not. I have discovered who I am, who I want to be, where I want to go in life, and who I want alongside me for the ride. Despite the days where I feel lost and empty, I truly feel like I've become a stronger person. I've experienced and learnt so much. Tried new things. Somehow managed to change my whole self closer to the person I want to be. And I am finding my happiness. I haven't quite got it yet. But I'm getting there. I know I am. And I am so so proud of myself. And I am proud of all of you. You as well are so strong, and you can get through anything, just believe in yourself and don't hold back from talking to others when there's something wrong. We're all going to do great. 2017 is going to be our year, and it is going to be fantastic. End of Day 366

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Day 365 in The Life of an Ordinary Girl

This year really has gone downhill. It started terribly, got shitty, then it got so amazing, and I really thought my life was taking a turn. Until I lost my job. It frustrates me so much that it happened. I hate myself for it. I woke late this morning, tired and emotional from the week I've had. I got myself ready, then drove to my boyfriends house, and spent the whole of the evening with him. We went into town and met an old friend of mine and a friend of his. We had a great time, and I ended up falling asleep in my car, until my boyfriend woke me up to drive him home. I did, then myself, then fell asleep in my car at home, before dragging myself in to my bed. I'm still struggling to accept this job loss. I'm driven mad by it. It wasn't fair. It felt like them dropping me to avoid ruining the working experience of the man to blame in this situation, and I feel this is very bias. I hate my existence so much sometimes. End if Day 365

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Day 364 in The Life of an Ordinary Girl

Today was absolutely awful. I got up early, had a great morning at work, then everything went downhill when I got called up for a probation review. I've been let go. And it killed me. My dream job, the most perfect job I could ever work, and I've lost it. Over something that wasn't even really my fault, except it was my fault, and I hate myself so much for it. I'm honestly so distraught. I had to collect my things then get escorted to the door. I just drove to my boyfriends when I got out, crying the whole way. He was so comforting and supportive. He held me as I cried, made me tea, settled me down, and kept telling me nice and positive things. It did really help. And yet, I still so desperately wanted to stop existing. I cried so much this evening Iver my job loss, even over the phone to my father when he found out. I stayed with my boyfriend till pretty late, talking and cuddling and eating. It was fun and calming. I hate myself so much right now. After seeing him, I drove him home then drove myself home, where I just collapsed onto my bed, unable to even think of doing anything else. End of Day 364

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Day 363 in The Life of an Ordinary Girl

I honestly need to get more sleep. I'm not getting enough, then I'm working 12 hour shifts, and it's exhausting and overwhelming. I'll admit that my shift today went pretty well. It was smooth, a little stressful at times, and in control. There was also the staff Christmas singalong on top floor, which I participated in, and I even played my flute for a piece. Not only did it go really well, but my boyfriend came to see me, he watched me sing and perform, got to meet some of my coworkers, and got to see where I work. It was amazing. I loved that he came. I kept smiling like a little kid at Christmas, going red in the face knowing he was listening and watching. After work, I went to see my boyfriend and a couple of his friends, hanging with them for a little while. One of his friends was talking to me, telling me about how my boyfriend always talks about me, how he's crazy about me, and that she's really happy and pleaded that I have come into his life. This honestly made me feel amazing, and I couldn't help but stare at him every so often, knowing that he truly does care about me. I love this. I could even say I'm genuinely happy right now. End of Day 363

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Day 362 in The Life of an Ordinary Girl

Work was honestly so draining. It was relatively calm in the morning, then gradually became more hectic. One of the residents sons, who's playing the piano at the staff Christmas singalong tomorrow, came in, and we got to practice the piece I'm performing on my flute, with him on piano. It was good. But a while after, the buzzers were all going, I was running from one person to the next, trying to sort out the very personal needs of these elderly people, my shoes becoming dirty in the process, and me ending up crying to my team leader once things started to calm down because of how overwhelmed I got. It was stressful. I was tired. I couldn't wait for my shift to end. It finally did, and I got to go see my boyfriend, walking to mcdonalds and spending time together, holding hands and cuddling to keep warm. We did argue a little bit a short while later, about him getting a job and me probably taking it more serious than him, but also him not taking it seriously enough. Which drives me crazy, and not in the good way. But we talked it out, and got through it together. I didn't stay out too late. I was tired as anything and needed my sleep, so I dropped him and his friend at his friends house, the drove home and climbed straight into bed, near enough passing out from exhaustion. I am really looking forward to the staff Christmas singalong tomorrow. It's honestly going to be so good. End of Day 362

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Day 361 in The Life of an Ordinary Girl

Today was amazing. I drove to town early in the morning, picked up my boyfriend, and drove us back to mine to have a cooked breakfast with my family. This was the first time he'd met my sister, her fiance, my gran, and my uncle. And it went really well. And I'm honestly so happy about it. Everything about this makes me happy. We went back to town sometime after, walked round the shops a little, bought tops together, then hung out with a couple of his friends before heading back to his for dinner with his mom and his mom's boyfriend. That was enjoyable also. I love spending time with his family, getting to know more about him and them. I get on so well with them, and I honestly really hope they are approving of me. I did become very tired, and felt myself starting to fall asleep at the table sometime after dinner, but I woke up when we left to meet a couple of his friends. At one of the friends brothers house, I excused myself from the group to sit alone. My mind was pulling me down, and I was still fighting to stay above the water to keep breathing through this, desperate not to drown in my emotions. My boyfriend was incredibly sensitive and supportive, being calming and patient with me. It was amazing. After we parted ways with his friends, he and I went to mcdonalds. I'm not sure what my head was deciding to do, but the best way to describe how I feel, is that it's like trying to restrain an excited, bouncy, energetic big dog. No matter how hard I tried to stay calm, I tried to stay still, I tried to relax, my mind was constantly trying to make my body do everything I didn't want to do. I had to restrain myself from hitting anything near me, including myself, I had to restrain myself from kicking out, from screaming, from collapsing, from climbing, from moving rapidly, from anything like that. And it was so incredibly difficult. I ended up sitting at the table very shakily opening salt packets and tipping them onto the table to convince myself of the control I had. To reassure myself that I decide what actions I carry out, how I do things. It's in my power. I struggled so much, but explaining to my boyfriend what it is I need, or need to do, it is settling to have him understand. To be able to ease even a little of anxiety knowing he is supporting me even on the bad days. After a cigarette, I dropped my boyfriend off, drove home, and climbed into bed, desperate to shut out the negativity of the day, whilst reminiscing on all the positives. End of Day 361

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Day 360 in The Life of an Ordinary Girl

After 5 hours sleep, I then worked a 12 hour shift on this Christmas Day. It was somewhat overwhelming with all the visitors and the chaos of opening presents, but I had a fantastic team today. We worked so well together, we all did our share of work, we communicated our actions, delegated jobs to each other if we were too busy with something to do it ourselves, supported each other and the residents, and overall had a really great Christmas. I was pretty relieved to see the last hour of the shift, not just because I was exhausted from poor sleep, but also because I'd be going over to my boyfriends house to spend a bit of time with him, his mom, and his mom's fiance, opening presents from each other, and generally having a good time, a good chat, and a good evening. It sucked having to go home, but I know I'll be back tomorrow morning, to pick him up and bring him home for breakfast with my family. Back at home, I sat and opened Christmas presents from the family, handing out theirs from me. It was fun. I got some amazing things. My boyfriend had given me the most beautiful scarf, and my father gave me the cutest yellow ukulele, with a smiley face on it. I absolutely love all I've been given, despite the overwhelming feeling that I just did not deserve any of it. Yet, I was still incredibly grateful. One thing that did hurt was a relative sitting with me and lecturing me for ages about me gender. Telling me I'll always be the gender I no longer identify as, that I will never be anything else, that when someone looks at my boobs, they will 'know' my gender. And it hurt so so much. It truly did. It honestly felt like a stab in my gut. Many times. I wish it was, a physical injury can be fixed and healed. But her nasty and insensitive words cannot be unsaid. And it was so cruel of her. I'm close to refusing to acknowledged her due to this, but after the beautiful Christmas present she gave me, I would hate for her to feel I was ungrateful, no matter what cruel things she says it does. End of Day 360

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Day 359 in The Life of an Ordinary Girl

Christmas Eve, and u had an alright day at work. It was tough at times, and near the end became very emotional, but I got through it, and I was so relieved tk see my boyfriend at the end of the day. He comforted me, even when I couldn't explain what was wrong. Mostly because I just did not know, and it was driving me crazy, but still, he comforted me, and I cuddled up to him and bathed in his kindness and warmth. A while later, after a spew of emotions, I dropped him off, started driving home, almost made it back before having to race back to him to fetch my bank card, then crying from panic on my drive home due to the very very little amount of fuel I had in my car. I was terrified I wouldn't make it back, or the garage would be shut, or something that would result in me being stuck. Thankfully, I made it, and it was open, and I think I did the biggest sigh of relief and gratitude. Back home, I raced to my room to finish off Christmas presents, wrapping poorly but enough to pass well. I'm working again tomorrow, but I know they'll appreciate their gifts. End of Day 359

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Day 358 in The Life of an Ordinary Girl

My counselling session went really well. We exchanged gifts, spoke about many topics, and I sat and worked a little on the paper for the scrapbooks. I managed to finish off the ones for work, then once the session was finished, I drove to town to see my boyfriend. He was late to get up, so I had to drive to his friends house where he was staying to meet him. Before this, I had a situation, and had to contact dad for help. He became nasty over the phone, and I felt like I was made to be small and weak and pathetic. And it hurt. And I am helpless under his dominance and control. And he truly terrifies me. And when I got to the house, I sat in the car shaking and crying till my boyfriend came and fetched me. We sat inside for a little while whilst his friend slept, talking and smoking and cuddling. It was nice. He showed me a lot of the music he likes, and I genuinely really enjoyed it. Short while later, we drove to the shops, did what we needed to for Christmas, he bought me flowers, and we just enjoyed each other's company on this wet and windy day. The flowers were beautiful and big and red, and I absolutely love them. I really do. He makes me smile so much. He makes me so happy. We went back to his, had pizza for dinner with his family, then settled in the lounge to wrap presents. I ended up spending a period of time curled up in agony from cramps from the cheese pizza, crying into my boyfriends arms, clutching at my stomach, near yelping out in pain. It was horrible. Only when I eat so much dairy do I experience cramps like this. But I have no one to blame but myself. I did later have a massive laughing fit, at something my boyfriend said, which resulted in me lying on the floor snorting and silent laughing like a seal, snickering and near crying. I don't think I've laughed like that in months. Maybe a year ago. It felt good, I felt so happy in those moments, even if I was laughing over something daft. It was late when I got home, and I was rushing about to get to bed for work tomorrow. Another 12 hours shift on little sleep. This probably isn't too healthy. End of Day 358

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Day 357 in The Life of an Ordinary Girl

My whole day was spent making scrap books. I had to stain 180 sheets of paper with tea, glue pieces together for the covers of 12 books, that being 24 individual covers, then cut the fabric, glue it on, wait for each section of work at a time to dry, to be able to move on to the next bit. Even now, at 3 in the morning, I am still not finished. I argued with dad in the morning. I think it was just general arguments, not really any specifics. Throughout the day I was experiencing very intrusive thoughts. Thoughts telling me to kill myself, or to do other awful things to myself, thoughts that tried to convince me of the worst of people, even the good ones. I had these days, when my thoughts are so nasty and negative. I wish they would go away. I am good enough for my boyfriend, I don't need this silly head of mine telling je otherwise, or any other negative content for that matter. End of Day 357

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Day 356 in The Life of an Ordinary Girl

I woke early at my boyfriends house, and snuck down to the living room to have morning cuddles with him. A short while later, we got up, and he sat in the bathroom with me whilst I showered. I was a bit nervous using a strange new shower for the first time, as silly as that sounds. I got to work on time, went to handover, got settled on the floor, then went through to the office to do my elearning. I felt myself falling asleep at the desk, but still powered through it. Despite my last module screwing up a little, my shift was relatively okay. I did get spoken to by my managers, regarding an incident that occurred over a week ago, and I became so overwhelmed. After, I got to go for a cigarette break, and just burst into tears. It wasn't pleasant. I felt stressed and angry and miserable and I so desperately wanted to cut. Heck, even after work, meeting up with my boyfriend and his best friend, the need to cut was so strong, and it made me feel so weak. And I hate it. I want to be strong and capable, but I'm so far off from that. I spent my evening with my boyfriend and his best friend, driving round town, hanging out, smoking, and just generally having fun. It was so so calming being with them. He makes me happy. I got home well after midnight, worked on some of my scrap books for a while, then climbed into bed and snuggled up in the warmth. End of Day 356

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Day 355 in The Life of an Ordinary Girl

I woke relatively early, got myself sorted, packed a bag to leave in my car, then drove to town to see my boyfriend. I spent the whole day with him, driving about, seeing his friends, hanging with them, going to shops and mcdonalds and to another friends house. I did drive us and two others back to mine briefly, to see if I had paper lanterns. It turns out I didn't, but I got so worked up looking for them, and anxious and stressed because I couldn't find them, and then dad came downstairs and had a go at me in front of my boyfriend and our two friends, and I felt humiliated, and I just so desperately wanted to cut, but I couldn't, and I was so close to crying, and it was so overwhelming. I drove us back to town, and went to the big Tesco. It was in there that I had a minor anxiety attack. I'm not sure, I was walking, got moody, stormed off, then completely lost my breathing. I collapsed to my knees and was hunched for a good few minutes trying to catch my breath, my hands on the ground because the room was spinning, my two friends and my boyfriend around me, talking calmly to me and comforting me. We left shortly after that. I then filled up my car, stopped at a parking lot for a bit, then drove two friends home. I then drove back to my boyfriends house. He gave me a pair of pyjamas, as I was spending the night at his. We curled up on the sofa, put his games on, then settled in for a quiet night of cuddles and gaming. End of Day 355

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Day 354 in The Life of an Ordinary Girl

I woke to mild arguments with my father, followed by me racing around doing what he asked of me, followed then by me heading out to town to see my boyfriend. I got to his, and we cuddled a little while on his bed, joined by his little sister. The three of us lay there, well, she was jumping over both of us, but it was cute and fun, and I really enjoyed spending this time with him. I actually spent the rest of my day with him, going to the shops to pick out boots, and buying a jumper, and him picking me out a charity shop bear, and then being joined by his friends and going to their house then mcdonalds then back to his again for cuddles on the sofa. It was a fantastic day. I really did enjoy spending it with him. I'm not sure why my emotions dropped, but it was shortly before I left to go home, I just felt so overwhelmingly down. I just wanted to cry, but I didn't want to in front of him. I instead became very quiet, triggering concern, and the last of my time with him this evening was spent being comforted and cuddled by him. Once in the car, driving home, I started crying. I drove so slow on my way back, below the speed limit as I toddled along safely behind a lorry. I just didn't feel right. My eyes burned from the tears by the time I got home. I went inside, climbed into my pj's, watched the walking dead with dad, then shut myself away, curled up in my bed. I realised what I wanted. I just wanted to cut. I wanted to feel the sting as the blade stroked my skin. I wanted to see that calming red appear on my body, watching it drip down before I feel the need to wipe it away. I wanted to release all this negativity within through the open wound on my skin. But I couldn't. I didn't have my blade. I felt so weak for wanting this, for needing this, for feeling so desperate that I was bawling my eyes out and scratching at my arms. I wanted to shut it all out, so I crawled into bed, messaging my boyfriend to calm myself down. End of Day 354

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Day 353 in The Life of an Ordinary Girl

I woke in my own bed this morning, but not alone. My boyfriend was there next to me, fast asleep, with his arms wrapped tight around me. I felt safe and calm, if not slightly giddy at the realisation that I got to wake up with him for a second morning in a row. We stayed in bed till quite late, just cuddling and talking, play fighting a little, tickling and attacking each other. It was adorable. I feel so damn comfortable with him. We did go downstairs a short while later, sat with my mom for a little bit, then babysat my brother. He and my brother sat playing Lego Star Wars on the playstation while I curled up on his lap and napped. He met my dad, briefly, then I dragged him upstairs and shut us away to just hide from the confrontation. We cuddled a little, then I showered and sat my desk in my towel, doing my hair and makeup, not even the slightest bit uncomfortable that he was in the room. I felt so at peace with him there. So neutral but also inexplicably excited, like a puppy at the park. It made me so happy having him there with me, and being do calm with him that I could do things in my room that I'd never do with anyone else around. Even drawing on my eyebrows, which gives me such anxiety at even the thought of being seen without them done, and I was comfortable for him to see me with them mostly washed off. It's to that level I am comfortable. And it feels absolutely amazing. I drove him home late afternoon, and he invited me in for tea, noodles, and cuddles. It was sweet. I did have to leave before it got late, but not before I got loads of little kisses from him, even silly kisses, and I messaged him as soon as I got home, and continued talking to him late into the night. It was adorable. I felt so good today. So happy and calm. I always want to feel this way. End of Day 353

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Day 352 in The Life of an Ordinary Girl

I crashed at my boyfriends friends house last night, had to drive this friend to the hospital at 4am to see his friend who overdosed, then my boyfriend and I crashed in his room whilst he was out. It was absolutely amazing, waking up in his arms. He's so warm and protective, wrapping himself around me, kissing the top of my head and my nose. I felt safe in his arms. We stayed in bed for ages, cuddling, talking, smoking, kissing, just enjoying each other's warmth and company. We did eventually drag ourselves up, him to go meet someone, me to go to work to carry on my elearning. I dropped him off, accidently leaving my wallet in his pocket, which I realised half an hour after I got into work. I texted him things I needed, and arranged to meet up with him later. My time at work was alright. I got up from the desk frequently, as I got too stressed and distracted from staring at a computer screen. I joined middle floor to make myself tea and something to eat, and after completing one of my modules, whilst making tea, I responded to the buzzer and assisted a resident to the toilet, despite not actually being on shift. As a trained carer, I knew I was allowed to do this. It felt good to do something to help and support the residents, even in my free time. If I could have, I would have started a shift then and there to help out. But I couldn't. So voluntary work was the next best thing. After finishing a second module, I packed up, met up with my boyfriend, went to mcdonalds, then took him home with me. I was so so excited. It's the first time he's meeting my mom. I was both nervous and excited. So very excited. I became like an energetic puppy, jumping about yelping. I tried hard to contain myself, but he kept telling me it was cute that I was so excited. I drove us to mine, and brought him in. Mom was really kind and calm with him. My poor boyfriend was so nervous. But he still made us all tea, and we settled upstairs in bed to watch The Book Of Life, cuddled up together in the warmth. He held me tight during all the romantic songs, kissing my head. I felt safe once again with him. End of Day 352

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Day 351 in The Life of an Ordinary Girl

I got home so late last night. About 2am I walked through the front door. Today when I woke I had to go back into work to do my elearning. I arrived, did a bad thing, spoke to the person who was relevant to the bad thing, sorted it, sorted the details, then I went in and sat to the desk to work on the computer. I got up a few times, whether it was to go out for a cigarette, get something to eat or drink from one of the floors, or seeing my boyfriend, who came by to see me, and we stood outside cuddling, smoking, talking, and kissing. It was cute. I did go out and get mcdonalds for me and two of my colleagues. That was fun. Fun for me to do something nice for them, even if it was just taking their money to go pick them up mcdonalds. After work, I met up with my boyfriend. We went to a few shops, even just strolling round them hand in hand. It was adorable. We drove to his friends house, fixed my car, had a cuppa, then drove out to another town that was half an hour away, on really foggy roads. I was really nervous, but we got there safely. After meeting my boyfriends friend, at sometime after midnight, we sat in mcdonalds, and spent a fair bit of time there. My boyfriend cuddled me and kissed my cheek and nose and was being generally so cute. He is so damn caring and comforting, so sweet to me, worries about me even over the littlest of things, and it is adorable. End of Day 351

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Day 350 in The Life of an Ordinary Girl

I was woken up early by dad banging hard on my bedroom door, ranting at me for I'm pretty sure 10 minutes about my room. Not just ranting, but being so damn hurtful he had me sobbing and scratching and curling up with tears streaming down my face. I was going to do my room anyway, but the things he said, the way he reminded me that he didn't care, it hurt so deep. I can't keep saying that I couldn't help myself. Because I could. But I chose to do it anyway. I chose the sharp relief if cutting, desperate to drown out the pain of his actions, his words, his threats. Desperate to shut it all out by opening up my skin, watching as it becomes red. I needed the relief. No. I wanted the relief. I wanted this satisfying pain. The sting that makes my head explode with pleasure, suffocating the sadness within. But what follows feels worse. The self hatred. The self pity. The confusion as to why I chose this. The anger at the sight of my legs. I did my room as best I could, along with his harsh words and taunts. I broke down multiple times, collapsing into a heap and just bawling my eyes out. My room is hardly close to being finished, but I had to leave the house. Both for Christmas singing practice and work, and to just get far far away from it all. But I took my blade with me. I put it in the little box I had made for it, packed some tissues in my bag, and set off to town, with the full intention to cut myself again at some point during the afternoon. At work we had a staff Christmas sing along practice, a group of us sitting in the staff room singing Christmas carols. I even got to perform The Christmas Song (chestnuts roasting on an open fire) on my flute for practice, and they all applauded, and I started feeling a little proud of myself. But after this, I met up with my amazing boyfriend, and did something I am most proud of. I took the little box with my blade in it out of my bag, and handed it to him. He knew exactly what was in it. And I asked him one simple favour. "Throw it in the bin". And he did. I have given up my blade, to a place I can never retrieve it. For me now, it is long gone. I hope today will be the last day I ever cut. Never again. I will use all of my strength to refrain from cutting, no matter how hard it gets. No more. And I am proud of myself for this. To find the strength to actually allow him to get rid of it, without even trying to stop him, was more than I have ever achieved. And he is so perfect for being so understanding and supportive. I am grateful for his existence in my life. We went back to his a short while later, and I got to meet his mom, his mom's boyfriend, his little sister, and his grandparents. I really hope I have given a good impression of myself. He says they like me, but I am still so worried that they don't, that I'll do something wrong and they'll hate me or throw me out. But they like me. And I'm so happy. I curled up on the sofa with my boyfriend, watching cartoons, then snoozing as he plays video games. We spent the whole evening cuddling, talking, taking pictures. It was amazing. Everything about him is amazing. End of Day 350