Being Real for the First Time

Hi, my name is CiCi and I just want somewhere to be honest... with myself..

[itsreallymethistime]

Update..

I'm still here and life is still sh*t... I just wish I had the balls to just do it... I've been cutting lately just can't fully do it and I don't know what is holding me back. I'm back to the same situation I was when I was 13 and when I actually was going to do it but my grandpa had stopped me. I regret so much in life and there is no escape from my thoughts or feelings. I sit in bed and stare at the ceiling hoping for a miracle. I just want to scream for help because I hate these feelings but I know if I do nothing will happen and it will just make me feel worse.. I just want to be gone and not here. I don't want to hurt anyone by doing it but I'm hurting myself by not. 

[itsreallymethistime]

I just want to be able to express my feelings or thoughts without being judged..

[itsreallymethistime]

3 More Days.

I really have no reasons to not go through with this. Stuff just keeps coming out of no where to smack me in the face. I feel like shittttttt. Anytime I even think about not doing it I just break down. 

[itsreallymethistime]

I think I'm pregnant... I'm 18 almost 19 and I have never had my period so I really don't know. I've taken two test about two weeks apart but they both came back negative. SOOO I don't know... I have every symptom and my stomach just feels weird and I can't explain it :/ If I am pregnant I'm probably 5-6 months. I'm fat so I cant really tell if I have a "bump" but I don't know if not having your period can give a false negative? or whatever you call it...

[itsreallymethistime]

My anxiety is so high right now :/ Had an amazing day at Pride fest but of course when I get home I think about this week.. I'm suppose to go up north with like 15 "friends". I'm only really close to one of them but I barely even trust her. They other people I like but don't trust either... They are all cheap and steal from each other and if they steal from their friends they will most likely steal from me.. I feel like I could handle the main ones that usually go but there are 2 new people that are going with that are a couple and I DO NOT TRUST THEM! I really don't like the girl and the guy is just ughhh gets on my nerves. He beat the sh*t out of a guy over $5!!!!!! He went to the hospital and everything! I'm just like stressing and I've been so excited for almost 2 months to go, I've been packed for 2 months, I've bought some food and pop and essentials...GRR... This will be MY last get together with these friends.... I just don't know what to do....... and I'm not gona call my friend and say "Oh I'll go if they don't go". It would sound childish as f*ck. I already texted my "friend" and said I'm prob not gona go and all she said was "really?" and I said yea.. and then she didn't respond... so idk. I hate when I think to much and get this anxiety but its like I can't help it.

[mlqbolado]

As vezes temos que usar a saída de emergência antes do esperado.

[itsreallymethistime]

"...I never had any of the advantages of being an only or favoured child, but now I am stuck with the sole responsibility for our ageing mother, who is clearly beginning to lose it. I really resent your not being around to share this burden – we could at least have sympathised with each other about dealing with her lack of sense and her increasing nastiness.

It is really frightening to see somebody like Ma, who had so many cultural interests, sit on her sofa all day, unable even to concentrate on daytime television. She rarely mentioned you after your death, but I know that she occasionally tried to read the diaries you left. She was searching for clues about why you would commit such an angry act, but all she could discover was what you had eaten for breakfast, lunch and dinner on any given day. And we are always depressed." - Anonymous

[itsreallymethistime]

Accomplished something in my life! 

[itsreallymethistime]

I don't even want to post on here anymore.. 

[fatboysdoitbetter]

Random thoughts: selfishness

Sometimes I just want to disappear. Like not tell anyone anything, leave my phone and laptop in New York and just disappear. Id probably leave my mom a note but thats about it. Yeah it may be selfish leaving everyone and telling with any warning but thats life. I plan on coming back but just for a while; to leave and explore with just my ipod and a book to write my thoughts would be dope. Id probably come back when people least expect it but i just want to do that for me.  

[itsreallymethistime]

Sometimes when I'm on tumblr and I see all these beautiful women I think to myself "these girls can not exist in real life... they are to beautiful to live." I would kill to just be able to look like them ONE day of my life... To feel beautiful and to look beautiful is the real "American dream."

[itsreallymethistime]

It is said that blood is thicker than water, it is what defines us, binds us, and curses us..

My name is ___________ and my curse has finally been broken.....

[pardonthecharm-deactivated20160]

Somehow, someway...

…I’ve reached a point in my life where I over think almost every minute detail of each day. I’ve lost the ability to simply exist. Everything has to mean something; or so I’ve convinced myself it does. I need to let go and appreciate life for whatever it is. Or maybe I just need a blunt, I don’t know. I need something though…

[itsreallymethistime]

Listening to music I use to listen to in middle school brings back memories I thought I had forgotten..

[itsreallymethistime]

62 days.

[itsreallymethistime]

The longer I live the faster my soul is dying.

[itsreallymethistime]

The things that are on my mind...