What Taking My Clothes Off Taught Me About Who I Really Am.
This is not a statement of justification. I didn’t succumb to peer pressure or doing this because everybody else is. This is me exploring my truth, and trying to come to terms with who I really am.
After posting explicit pictures of me, I had a few people ask me why I took the leap. I was always rather “seductive,” a tease here and there, but never so explicit. So what changed?
It is no secret, at least not to those who know me, that I am very open with my sexuality and very comfortable talking about sex. But there has always been a part of me that has been repressed. I grew up in a very religious environment, where nudity, sex and even cursing were taboo. To make it worse, I found out at a really young age, that I was/am attracted to men. I never tried to hide or repress my sexuality, but I had no one to turn to. On top of it all, I was relentlessly bullied all through my elementary, middle and high school years, which made me become very insecure about myself.
As an adult, I have struggled with self image, self esteem and self worth. It surely doesn’t help that gay men prize someone’s body, looks and material possessions above everything else. We also seem so keen on being mean to each other, judgmental and bitchy. So what’s a boy to do? I thought that being a skinny little bitch (figuratively and literally) was the only way that I could attract a mate and become “popular.” And I did just that. After having a dad bod for most of my teens and early 20s, I dropped from a healthy 150-160 lbs to 125 lbs. I was a twink! I blew up all my money on designer stuff, I was bitchy, sarcastic (the bad kind) and I was loving it. I had friends, I had a string of hook ups and I even snatched myself a boyfriend or two.
You’d think I was happy, right? Well, when you grow up having your mother tell you “your father abandoned you, he didn’t want you” as a form of punishment you’re bound to be a bit fucked up in the head. I developed co dependent behaviors and clinged to anyone who’d show me the smallest amount of attention. Here’s the thing, while I thought I my clinginess was a sign of loving and caring, I was actually being smothering and overwhelming. While I thought that being the mean sarcastic gay was fun and funny, I was being hurtful to people and alienating them.
Then 30 hit. On my birthday I was alone, in bed with a large bag of M&Ms, crippling depression and massive debt. I had spent every penny buying stuff to impress people. I couldn’t find a job because we were in a recession. I was out of shape and more insecure than ever. As the years went by, things started to improve and I started mending fences. I found a career I am in love with, have made true friends who love me for who I am and I am smarter about my financial future.
So what does all this have to do with me getting naked? Everything. Because I was so busy trying to become someone I was not in order to impress others, I never got to explore who I really am. Because I was so busy trying to make others love me, I never learned to love myself. And it wasn’t until I turned 40 that I decided to stop giving a fuck and start living authentically. I decided that in order to be who I really am, I have to confront my insecurities head on. Im not going to lie and say I love body right now, or that I am 100% happy with the way I look. Some days I feel fine, other days are a little bit harder. But I am working through it all.
I am learning to accept myself as I am, while continuing to work towards my goals. But this isn’t just about my body. This is also about how I react to others, how I treat others and how I treat myself. I used to be judgmental, think less of those who exposed themselves, to the point that I ruined potential romantic matches because they had naked pics or whatever floating around. I used to hide behind my false modesty all the while I was exposing myself privately. The fact is being an exhibitionist is part of who I am. Watching others is part of who I am.
This journey is also teaching me about my fake sense of morality. While I used to be entrenched in monogamy, and used to judge those in open relationships, now I am open to the idea that maybe I can love more than one person at once. That maybe seeing my potential match explore his sexuality with another person may be indeed a turn on. Does this mean that I don’t believe in monogamy? Not necessarily. It means that I am open to more than what society has made me believe is allowed or acceptable.
So this is my truth, this is why I created this blog and have slowly started to shed my old skin. And I am looking forward to keep getting know myself,and continue to build the best version of myself that I can be. Not for others this time, but for me.
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