Just because we live in a world with sites like Meat Up doesn't mean the traditional social media sites don't have their place when it comes to hunting. In fact, they can be great when it comes to finding longpigs that might otherwise slip under the radar.
After all, some guys aren't getting fat hoping for a dinner invitation - sometimes, at least from their perspective, it's all about aesthetics. They like having big bellies, thick thighs, and seeing the numbers on the scales climb higher and higher.
Take this juicy slab of meat. He's been showing off his meat on all the wrong places, and he's made it clear that he doesn't want to be eaten. Seems to think that's enough to stop a chef.
Well, sometimes it would be, but the issue is that when you look this tasty and you're showing off everywhere? A lot of people aren't going to care. He has a whole fan page on some of the more meat-specific social media sites, filled with hungry cannibals discussing recipes, hunting techniques, the works.
Really, I did him a favour when I got my buds in tech to track his location. Sure, he might not have seen it that way when he came to in a feeding cage, but let's face it - this pig was on borrowed time. All it takes is someone to get lucky - it's better if that someone is the best in tbe business, and not some butcher looking for a big paycheck, or an amateur who thinks cooking a guy is as simple as getting the heat right, or someone who thinks cooking alive is too complicated.
No, meat like this deserves to be celebrated. That means a chef that knows how to work with the best ingredients, and who appreciates the spectacle of a live roast.
Now, usually a pig like this would be a top contender for housepig status after some training, but as soon as I posted the photos and videos of him in the feeding cage, getting fattened like livestock, I had dozens of guys interested. One guy even offered me $100k to slaughter and deliver him. Another guy offered his son, which got my interest - but it was starting to get in the way of my normal efforts, so I thought it was best to deal with the situation fast. One month fattening, $20k a plate - although of course I made space for the guy who offered me his son. It's not every day you get $160k and a new longpig out of a meal.
He definitely put up a struggle when it was time to cook, but there's only so much you can do when you've spent most of the last month in a cage and you've spent three days on a liquid diet. Once he was cleaned and shaved, I stuffed this delicious meatboy with a longpork, wild rice, and fruit stuffing, then made him down a bottle of bourbon - $1k a bottle, so I guess he should thank me for that, too. After that it was just a case of covering him with a bourbon brown sugar glaze, trussing him up like a turkey, and forcing a juicy red apple in his mouth, and it was time to roast.
A meal like this deserves patience, but the whisky seemed to help with the pain. He definitely stopped struggling faster than a lot of unwilling pigs, and by the second baste he was barely trying to escape. By the time the guests started to arrive, I'd almost believe he wanted it.
As soon as everyone got their first taste, they all agreed the right person won this pig - not only did I pick the perfect recipe, but a lesser chef would hve struggled to do justice to this hunk of pork. My new aquisition was over the moon knowing how talented I am, and promised to taste even better - I'm not sure that's possible, but I hope that Porky here found some sense of peace knowing that if he was going to get eaten, at least he'd be turned into a real gourmet meal.
I just wish I'd charged more money - that belly alone was worth $20k a plate on its own.
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