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Mike Driver

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trying on a metaphor
š

#extradirty

oozey mess
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Keni
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hello vonnie
RMH
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The Bowery Presents

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"I'm Dorothy Gale from Kansas"

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@jaelbells
did a bit of driving through the state of georgia today and wound up driving through a small town that i later discovered was called newborn, which is an odd name but doesnāt technically have anything wrong with it, except for the fact that i nearly gave myself whiplash doing a double-take at a building sign advertising NEWBORN TAXIDERMY
NEWBORN TAXIDERMY
your move, Hemingway
where's that picture that ruined my life
found it
this comic did the same thing
Grocery shopping
Iām sorry. I just. I just love farting stepdad so much š Like use what you have available to you.
picklesbaseball
excerpts from erin in the morning's article on the ioc's ban on transgender women and sex testing policy
the club moss I got for my terrarium is dying, despite being lovingly packed into organic soil with oven-fried leaf litter and bioactive springtails and isopods, and meanwhile in my fridge my fuck ass onions are sending out bright green shoots as happy as could be in their cold dark box of fucking nothing
I HATE YOU I HATE YOU I HATE YOU I HATE YOU
graffiti discourse is so stupid why the hell would I give a shit if people spraypaint their names or do some cool paintings under a bridge
sorry didn't realize the bridge has to be plain beige concrete. that was a load bearing plain beige concrete if anyone tags it the whole bridge collapses
I still like the term parental unit that we used to use as a joke in middle school and high school. Did everyone else do that or was it just a my social circles thing?
Anyways telling the kids to go collect their parental units at the end of an event is a) funny b) gender neutral and c) just refers to the person currently doing your parenting
Also if youāre on joking terms with your parents āgreetings, childā āgreetings, parental unitā is a top tier greeting. Makes you sound like robot aliens.
Story Time:
Working in retail is really fun, and the times when major fuck-ups happen, they can be either anxiety-attack inducing, or make it possible to get through the rest of your god-awful shift with a smile depending on the customer. My all-time favorite absolute fuck-up is as follows:
This kind woman is just doing her thing. She scans her membership card from her keychain. The register beeps to acknowledge the scan. We continue as usual. Neither of us notice right away, but after Iāve scanned a few more items, I hear a very quiet, āUm,ā from the lady, very polite. I look at her. She is looking at the screen of my register, blinking. I, too, look.
And lo and behold. There is a charge of over four-thousand dollars ($4,000) worth of garlic bread staring us in the face. There are no words for a minute. Weāre just⦠in awe. How did this happen? How the hell did this happen?
She didnāt even have garlic bread in her cart.
I sputter a partial apology - I was incapable of forming actual sentences in the moment - and try to void the garlic bread. Since there was no garlic bread to scan, I try to manually remove $4,000-some from this transaction.
Well, the registers donāt like it when you try to void off more than five dollars ($5) from a transaction, so naturally it pings my manager for confirmation, but sheās not by her pager.
At this point, both myself and the lady are just⦠dumbfounded. Sheās not even mad. Iām not even all that embarrassed. Both of us are just looking at the screen. Thereās a bit of laughter, but itās mostly just⦠confusion.
I have to call through the whole store for my manager on the intercom because sheās not answering. She shows up, ready to override and void it, when she too, sees what exactly is being voided.
āWhat⦠did you do?ā
āI genuinely. Have literally. No. Idea.ā
She voids it, and I go to finish the transaction and tell the woman her total (minus the garlic bread). My register pings. It tells me that she hasnāt scanned her membership card. Odd. I distinctly remember her doing that. The woman goes to scan her card again, and I notice that her library card is stuck to her membership card. I tell her gently, and she separates the two and scans her card.
My manager, hovering nearby still, sees this and says, āI think it mistook the barcode of her other card for garlic bread, and the remaining digits were read as the price.ā
And thatās when the laughter really came over us. There were no hard feelings at all. In fact, the woman was incredibly glad that the receipt still showed the garlic bread and the voiding of. I will remember it until the end of time, my only regret in the entire situation being that I didnāt take a damn picture, because she has proof and I donāt. But I swear to God it happened.
TDLR; Library Card Charged $4,000 of Garlic Bread.
thatās just how valuable library cards are. each one is worth at least $4000 of garlic bread
A picture is worth a thousand words, a library card is worth $4000 worth of garlic bread, if we can figure out how many words the average library card can check out at once, we can probably work out a picture-to-garlic bread conversion here, too.