During each therapy session, it hits me in the most blunt and obvious way that change and growth really are acts of self-care and continuing effort. That it can't just be a one hit wonder moment but something I need to ceaselessly practice and commit to in order to grow and want to better myself. To love on myself better, to see myself in more compassionate ways, to trust and understand the confidence that's there and understand in the ways I am complete and incomplete.
That's the hard part though right? Like building and breaking habits means forgoing and unlearning years of traumatic responses, unhealthy coping mechanisms, and narratives that served me a purpose once but now just hurt.
I just wish I were better at it cause like wow I just never feel consistent. It feels like I start on Day 1s and end up repeating at the starting line when I actually remember to spend time with myself.
I think there's a part of my ideal self, mental voice, superego that also kind of just scoffs at this practice cause it thinks it knows better but it really doesn't and that's an attitude that needs to change.
I think that's part of why I'm writing this and want to write as often as I can each night so that I'm not just rotting Instagram before bed each night - which I might still end up doing.
It's not perfection or being extreme but being consistent.
When the alarms ring inside my mind over the smallest anxieties or problems, I want to be able to just feel and process the emotions instead of instinctually feeling like I need to resolve the issue because otherwise it feeds into the emotion.
I want to stop putting so much weight on each decision no matter how small because currently I'm attributing so much of each decision as a reflection of myself and worth, and that both the decision and I should be carrying out the expectations of my idealized self.
I can just exist and allow myself to be and accept whatever it is right now while still wanting to become better.
God, I don't want to work this week. I feel like since coming back from Banff, my brain is still just off and refuses to turn on or acclimate to daily life again. Like logic really is the last thing I want to think about but unfortunately people need things from me and things are due.
Things I need to take care of though eventually
On a related note, I do want lean into hiking when I can for my next trips. I want to do Patagonia or Swiss Alps with friends so maybe I can use that goal to be better about working out.
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