if you want me to start sleeping earlier,
maybe you should stop telling me that you’re going to kill my mom. maybe you should stop telling me that when you go back that’s the first thing you’re doing and that you don’t care that that means you’d go to jail. maybe you should stop blaming me for all the bad things that is happening in your life. is it my fault that she stole your land from you? is it my fault that she won’t give you back your money? why. why is it my fault.
being treated like this have left me crying in the middle of the night, and anxiety attacks hit me randomly.
seriously, take a hint. i can’t even ask you for a ride home because i get anxiety attacks around the people i call family. i have to stay and eat in my room cause if i don’t, i just end up eating nothing.
home is supposed to be the place where i can feel comfortable but i honestly would rather stay at uni till midnight if it means i’m coming back to silent house where i don’t have to deal with you guys constantly putting me down.
yes, i do love you cause i realize that i’m not the main, at least not the sole reason why you’re like that, and you’ve done a lot for me, but i can’t help but feel scared around you.
and you know what i realized. looking back to my previous relationship and talking about it to my friends, i realize that it was not far from perfect, that in some ways, it was kind of one-sided and i guess for a lack of a better word, slightly “abusive,” emotionally.
being constantly blamed, having to constantly apologize for wanting to be pampered and for other things that i should not have apologized for. being scared to open up about how i truly feel.
but during the relationship, and even quite a few months after it, i honestly thought that it was normal, that it was normal to be put down like that until i talked it out with my friend.. but i think.. i thought it was okay to be treated like that cause that’s how you treated us, worse, even.
you always say that i’m too immature and childish. you do realize that i only act that way cause i feel like i didn’t have a youth growing up.
i didn’t even know i had a mom till i was in grade 5.
i didn’t even grow up with a sibling since he left when i was in grade 1 and i didn’t get to be with him until i was in grade 5 as well... maybe that’s why i act like an only child.
i didn’t even have you because you would always be your girl friends.. yes i knew.. even at a young age, i knew. and in grade 4, you completely left me. i had to live by myself for a few months and that’s when i started going over to other people’s houses for food and only stayed at home to sleep by myself. maybe that’s why i feel so comfortable sleeping and eating at other people’s homes, i’ve been conditioned to do so.
family reunions? what are those. our families wanted to kill each other. my cousins hated me, and if they didn’t hate me, you hated them. i was never able to have an actual bond with them.
and in grade 6, when i finally thought i would get to experience what it felt like to be with a complete family when we moved to toronto, you and kuya moved to edmonton, and mom moved back to philippines, and you left me with an aunt and an uncle. for a whole year, i felt like such a big burden. i had to learn to ask questions for myself cause i was too scared to ask them for help and my family was nowhere to be around to help me fit in and adapt to this new environment.
the teachers called me dependent cause i never asked for help and took initiative in doing things. to me, it was normal.
so don’t say i’m immature and childish. i finally met people i can be comfortable with, granted i can’t open up to them yet, that i can be 90% genuinely happy with, so i try to be as youthful as i can, i try to experience the things i never got to experience growing up. i feel so attached to them and would never trade them for anything cause this is what i imagine what a family should feel like.
having a second dad gives me that satisfaction as well. he treats me more like a daughter than you do. yes, i act like a child around him more often than not, and as bad as that sounds, i actually do feel happy when i do. having someone care for me, and actually be there during special moments. isn’t it funny that the first person i invite to my performances is him whereas i never invited you to one? it’s cause even when you were available when i was young, all you’d do is complain and question why i chose to partake in activities like those.
i love you, dad. i do, but at the same time, i hate what you guys have put me through and i hope that you guys would have been more present.
i always say i wouldn’t change anything in the past cause then i wouldn’t have met my friends now. but honestly, if you guys never left me, and stayed with me, even if it was just one of you guys, and just stayed with me throughout of my life, i would want to experience that.
amandla
pixelskylines
prguitarman
