☆꧁ 𝔰𝔲𝔦 ꧂☆

17 ☆ wise words of a jam doughnut!

[jamd0ughnutss]

“They say nothing lasts forever but they're just scared it will last longer than they can love it.”

[jamd0ughnutss]

”The world is ending and i don’t think that i can take it”

my mama was right it really is the damn phone. everyday i wake up and get ungodly irritated at the amount of bigotry and blatant injustice that pollutes my instagram and honestly any of my social media feeds. yeah i’m aware enough to know people suck, they’re hateful and crash but why am i genuinely letting my cortisol spike because of these people... i want to delete all social media so bad but i also love creating and consuming POSITIVE content. social media saved my life but now it’s ruining it and idk i just think my frontal lobe is developing? human beings were never supposed to have such easy widespread access to so many individual's thoughts, especially so many negative ones, and i think the surplus of knowledge is driving me into emotional overdrive and slowly killing me. my brain cannot compute anything anymore because it’s just constantly upset

[jamd0ughnutss]

sometimes i wonder if my heart chose the wrong dream

[jamd0ughnutss]

my mother is dead and everything is worse now.

my mother is dead and everything is worse now.

i find it laughable how the one thing i can bring myself to actually realise isn’t even an accomplishment of my own. i stole it from free churro. i stole it from bojack horseman. 

my mother is dead and the last thing she gave me, the realisation that makes my heart wrench and twist the lacklustre drops of love out into the sorry pit of suffering that is my brain - is not even my own. my own mother, my own grief, my own feelings are not even my own. calling them my own seems to be the only way to remind myself that these are my thoughts and feelings. giving a name to the incessant ache i feel in the centre of my chest every time i let the curtain rise on my life. it hurts. i want to cry and let the tears flow from the discs of brown all the way to the ground where she lays and force her to drown in my melancholy. the melancholy she thrusted upon me the untimely day i was stolen from the embrace of her womb. there seems to be a theme, all i do, all i am is a thief.

if i don’t steal who am i? if i don’t rip the parts i so desperately long for from the souls of those who i desperately love and force them together to create a misshapen disgrace of a being - who am i? i don’t know. i wanted to know. i begged her to tell me, begged her to give me the solace of knowing that i am someone, i am something but - you cannot be a beggar and a chooser. 

you cannot grasp onto one pitiful little thing and grovel and flail, desperately searching and demanding it from any source you can find. you have to take it all and be grateful, for there are some who never received anything at all. and she knew that. for she had begged at the feet of those who used her for as long as she could remember and she had hated it. she hated begging. so the sight of her flesh and blood:the body that she had carved from the depths of her woman, every hair every cell, another chance for the life she begged for - whine and scream for more and more she couldn’t stand it. and that’s why she never gave me a thing. 

that is the reason why i could never have more. if she couldn’t satisfy the aching hunger of the beast that roared in her beating heart, neither could i. i had to starve and starve because how dare my gluttony show itself, how dare i want. wanting is the cruellest desire of them all. it’s an impossible one. you cannot want what does not exist. so what do i want? i want my mommy

my mother is dead and everything is worse now.

[jamd0ughnutss]

“morality has an aesthetic criteria”

had a cheeky trip to a museum + an aquarium today! it saddens me how much people’s interest in animals, like fish, fade because they’re “boring” or “not cute” compared to animals that are fluffy. Fish are so wonderful to observe and own, with their distinctive personalities and behaviours. If your ‘love’ for animals waivers depending on whether or not the animal is cute and fluffy then i don’t trust you

— sui <3

[jamd0ughnutss]

”your mother wouldn’t approve of how my mother raised me, but i do i FINALLY do”

[fadeintoyou1993]

loving women should always be your #1 priority

[deceasedcardinal]

[lilalolix]

[thememedaddy]

[zipzapz0psbl0g]

If I had a window seat I would be the happiest person in the world no joke

[jamd0ughnutss]

''𝚑𝚞𝚖𝚊𝚗𝚜 𝚊𝚛𝚎 𝚝𝚑𝚎 𝚠𝚎𝚊𝚔𝚎𝚜𝚝 𝚕𝚒𝚗𝚔''

I was talking with my boyfriend and he said 'humans are the weakest link, since emotions get in the way of security.' He doesn't see them as a weakness per say but still, it made me think about myself and my emotions and what I'd be like without them. I don't think that's a version of myself I'd be content with. Not being able to feel genuinely scares the shit out me. I'd feel like Netanyahu himself. Ironically I do agree with him - emotions are the catalyst for much of the discord in life. Nevertheless, without them everything feels... backwards? I know there's a great deal of discourse on whether or not animals have the capacity to feel the same way, or to the same extent as human beings; regardless they can and do feel. I think that in itself, the fact that every animal is born with the innate essence to feel: good and bad, love and hate etc. proves that without the ability to feel, life is unfeasible. I don't know though. Maybe life itself is incapable of running smoothly and nothing we say or do has any effect. How we feel may just be a small part of the purpose of the human existence, but you tell me!

-- sui <3