Trouble in Paradise (a rant)
My friends brought up some concerns about me surviving in Japan. They talked to me about my mental health and physical health and asked me if I could handle it in Japan.
Like I’m gonna decide not to go a month from the departure date.
Anyway, it was little bit surprising, and a little not. I complain a lot, and I’m sure it’s beyond annoying. But it’s not like I can’t take care of myself. My complaining is mostly for me, so I can deal with unpleasant situations better. And sometimes I even find the things I’m complaining about to be funny.
I think I helped ease their minds about me not dying in Japan. But it still sits a little sour in my gut. I guess the thing i learned is that they don’t trust me. And I can see why, I don’t act like a responsible adult around them, I don’t really need to so I don’t. But I am.
So they were concerned about my being sick as often as I am. And I honestly just think it’s been a bad year for me. I usually catch something once and then never again. But I had the flu 3 times this year. Two in the span of 30 days. And I’ve also got really bad period cramps, and will be bleeding during the trip. It’s not my fault we planned it during my period so i think no one is allowed to complain about it. I wanted to go one week later, but no. (Not actually a bad thing, the ticket was cheaper a week earlier). They were afraid they’d have to baby me. And one of them refuses to just let me stay at the hostel alone. Like, I can handle myself. I went to Spokane with a friend and both of us needed some space and I walked around on one side of the falls and she took a nap on the other and when it was time to go I walked back and didn’t get killed or mugged or lost even and I was in the middle of an American city it’s a lot more dangerous than a hostel in Japan. So I’ll have to go with them even if I do get sick, or one will have to stay with me. And I’m like, “hun, I’m in a safe environment, we will have phones.” Also I have weak ankles, and suffer from heat fatigue and I warned them about those things, and they took as me putting the responsibility on them to help me when really it was just a warning. “Remind me to drink water” was more of a joke than a request so that they would know if I suddenly drop to the ground on a hot day that I am NOT having a stroke, I’m just dehydrated,
And then there’s my mental health. So, slowly my mental health has been degrading. In the last two years my panic attacks have become more frequent (Especially with the earlier planning of the trip). and my social anxiety is ruling my life. And talking in Japanese, something I’m not entirely confident in, turns me into an embarrassed ball of awkward. They seem to take that as “you will not be able to speak.” Well, if I’m in Japan and someone asks me something and I spit out a congealed broken sentence I don’t have to be embarrassed because I’m a foreigner and no one will expect me to speak very well. In class though, especially when there is a time limit, like there always is, I get nervous and then I forget everything. So it’s very situational. And they were worried about what to do when I have panic attacks, and I was confused because all of them have dealt with me like that and I would have thought they’d all know how to deal with it, which is literally “TALK TO ME” do not let me be in my own head, that is awful. And also, “DON’T ATTACK ME” which is what they were doing at the time (kinda, not really). This sort of formal “we must sit down and address these issues” triggers my panic because I feel as though I’m cornered. You know what would have been better. Bringing it up on a normal day like, “Hey Annie, I know we’re talking about anime or k-pop or something but I’m a little worried about Japan. Are you gonna be able to hold on? “ “Yeah, totally.” “Really, because you get sick, and your mental states pretty shitty, and your periods suck.” And then bringing them up while I’m eating or while we’re chilling so that I don’t have to feel like I’m being yelled at by my boss. Luckily I was under very little stress at that time and it didn’t make me break-down but I’m worried that now that my stress levels have gone up that I’m going to falter and they are going to bring it up again. I mean, geez. Let me be. I am not the only one with issues in the group. Yes, I’ve got social anxiety. Yes, I may have borderline OCD and hypersomnia. Yes, I’m immature and like to be a child. And YES, I can handle myself. And I, out of all my family, am handling this the best. Welcome to the world of genetic issues my entire family has social anxiety, OCD and sleep issues. I think I’m the only one who wasn’t diagnosed with clinical depression. Yay?
So I’m a little irked about it. But I’m glad they brought it up, I’m glad they got it off their chests. I know they really needed to vent because it was eating at them. I just wish they’d gone about it differently. I just wish one of them hadn’t said “We’re going to do everything we can to make sure you go on this trip.” Only a few months prior, and then yesterday said “We don’t think you can do this.” I feel a little betrayed. But I’ll get over it. It’s what happens when you let people in. Their words hurt. And I have trouble trusting, so it hurts even more. But I’m glad i cleared up the waters ad they know exactly what I expect of them as the people I’m going to Japan with. Which is to say I do not except them to baby me. I do expect one of them to hold my hand if we are walking through crowds. Literally. I will need to be tethered to someone. An arm, hand, hem of a shirt. Doesn’t matter. I just need to be tethered.
Okay, rant done. That was long. Sorry.
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