I don't buckle.

Jared Fletcher. 25. Crime scene physics... person. This not an episode of CSI. And keep your fingers out of my Count Chocula!

[watermargin-s-blog]

Are you still joking? I cannot tell whether you are or not, please stop.

[jaredfletcher]

I’d tell you, but then that would just make it sad.

[most--fowl]

[pm] And she’s not going to find anything, because there is no corruption. And she never claimed that! Or if she did, I missed it. Did she? 

PS: Don’t harass my toxicologist. She’s tiny and nervous.

[jaredfletcher]

[pm] Okay, so let’s look at it simply. Option one: obviously there’s nothing fishy in this department and it’s clear as day, so Hultz is spinning out a bogus investigation on no proof. Option two: we all look guilty as heck, in which case, she wants to split a doughnut with you us for any reason but worming information out of us.

And hey, tell your nervous wreck to not bring coffee near damagables. Our budget? Not that big. It won’t get us a new space heater, let alone a video spectral comparator.

[alana-murphy]

I kind of want to see it. Kind of really want to see it. Is it moth eaten? Oh! Is it corduroy?

My god, that’s how you plan to go out? Torn apart by a dog? Or a werewolf maybe, or It’s certainly grim, and brings up a lot of questions about any phobias you might have, but I’ll give credit where credit’s due. That did leave me a little speechless.

[jaredfletcher]

Let’s just say that if you move in it, you look like a cloud of bats. Transvormation into Count Vlacula is now complete. Ergo, the only time you’ll see it is when they bury me in it, too.

...No. This is not the plot of Zoltan. That ‘doggy’? Is the Grim. It’s a Grim, Alana.

[deforest-voorsanger]

Parrots? No, they’re uh dogs. I’m not any kind of pirate at all.

[jaredfletcher]

Well, dogs are better pals than parrots. Rude little bast things, those birds are.

[flippedkaplan]

I mean it sounds like you haven’t even tried. So ya know, seems like a logical suggestion. 

Dude you make zero sense sometimes. And by that I mean most of the time. 

[jaredfletcher]

As the intellectual descendant of John von Neumann, I assure you the logic was taken care of. Beforehand.

So, there’s a ‘rest of the time’ during which you grudgingly admit I’m completely and flawlessly lucid?

[promqueen-kloe-blog]

Tell that to your higher ups.

[jaredfletcher]

That would involve me thinking about you outside this inbox spam.

[problematicexorcist]

[pm] I don’t have a goddamn head injury and it happened a week ago. I thought you were smarter than this. Ask around, son, the horseman was here and he was marking people to kill all over town. 

[jaredfletcher]

[pm] Have you also heard the local story about how chairs can be possessed and a Bigfoot prowls the Creek at the witching hour, pinching sacks of flour from houses? Granted, this place isn’t completely imagining things, but the truth has to be reasonable. C’mon. I mean, come on.

[francisraynier]

Maybe they got full.

[jaredfletcher]

Unprofessional! Did they pre-party snack before embarking on this thieving mission?

[littlerussianwolf-deactivated20]

I am not going to eat or dismember Radushka!

[jaredfletcher]

Radushka? You named your lunch? Did you fall asleep with Afternoon of a Torturer playing on loop?

[norapinepaints]

I was thinking about filing a complaint against you. But thanks for the hamburger. We cool.

[jaredfletcher]

Food is the great equaliser No problem, Shaggy. Did you also hear that whooshing sound of an evaded question zooming past us?

[andnobite]

Or that they just saw what this town had to offer and skedaddled? Probably not but Way to jump the very murder-y gun there though. 

[jaredfletcher]

In case you haven’t noticed, this is the Creek. It either eats you for breakfast or for dinner. Because, you know, even Halloween nightmare stories can be nocturnal too. Equal opportunity horror show here, folks.

[most--fowl]

[pm] Maybe it’s not about unearthing something. Maybe it’s about being here. She has a Maybe she was looking for a sense of community. 

Lumberjack gold? Did you mean lepre

[jaredfletcher]

[pm] Community? Kavanagh, she’s investigating us for supposed corruption. This is like vampires and werewolves in Underworld, only with fewer leather bustiers. The only thing more baloney than her ‘investigation’ is her claiming that she wants to hand out friendship bracelets.

[watermargin-s-blog]

This is not something to joke about.

[jaredfletcher]

You think? Yeah? Call me when you’re the one picking dead people blood out of murderer shoe three months after the ritual sacrifice witch baked Hansel into cookies.

[mor-beck-more-problems]

You’re banned from the hospital because you tried to replace the jello with Funyuns?

[jaredfletcher]

I may have neglected to mention the completely irrelevant part about how Funyuns spontaneously and inexplicably caused squirrels to take over the hospital pantry. It was like Harry Powell in Night of the Hunter: you think they’re sweet and fluffy until you see that they literally have HATE written all over themselves.

[hellomadamfiona-archive]

Does this indicate that your face and my face aren’t going to make out because of it? It’s fine, it’s okay, but just know no one should be afraid of burritos or deaths.

[jaredfletcher]

Let’s not be hasty

I never say no to celebrity breasts

Let’s never get burritos together

After that conversation? Día de Muertos buffets went from being celebratory to terrifying. How about you ply me with Chinese food to erase that particular horror, and we’ll take it from there.

You do know you’re famous

Famous b

[andnobite]

I’d feel more confident about that if I ever saw the same person there more than once or twice. 

[jaredfletcher]

I’m going to assume you meant they got jobs at KFC. Not that they got in the freezer at KFC.

[mor-beck-more-problems]

It was green, mostly. And tasted scarcely like anything at all. Have ou had a lot of experience with hospital jello,Fletcher?

[jaredfletcher]

I bet it was cabbage. Boiled cabbage.

Well, there was the time when I tried to replace the hospital’s supply with Funyuns. Except this Nurse Ratched Sherlocked my involvement and now I may or may not have a lifetime ban.