Counting the days

that make or break me // support me: paypal.me/jarofsin ; kofi: jarofsin // let me support you: @sinspoetryreblogs 

[jarofsin]

"What are you thinking?" - just as the question is spoken, my thoughts scatter and hide like mice, leaving my head blank

[jarofsin]

Douse me in stinging water until my skin turns beat red and all my sins finally shed. Suffocate myself on shut in steam; please, stop thinking. Dizzy droplets under sad eyes. Stand under, make it hotter. Heartbeat, sing to me. Scream to me. Tell me. Stay alive.

[jarofsin]

this laptop knows/knew/remembers you - six word story

[jarofsin]

I’ve been burying passion like it’s a treasure or maybe a curse

[jarofsin]

I had always pictured us

growing old one day

bumping into one another on the street

it would be Winter

we would get coffee

catch up

and I'd hug you

reassure ourselves that we made it this far

despite everything that was holding us back

🕯

[jarofsin]

some people are better off staying as memories; and i - i am better off loving them from a distance anyways

[jarofsin]

counting the minutes until i am twenty-six; just another year

[jarofsin]

He was the last time I felt at least an ounce of normality so when I say I still miss him dearly, you can't really blame me; because while there was so much negativity, all I could see was the beauty of what could be.

And sure, there's been others that I smiled at, fondly, and who I'd adore to adore me, romantically - but it wouldn't work out between them and me, so maybe one day I'll find someone who accepts that; simultaneously.

All I see is a hunger inside that haunts those around me - A thirst they all have to quench, a hidden agreement. Watching them hunt gives me a headache, because I'd rather bake bread - and isn't it sad, that I'm more likely to do that, than get to hold your hand?

[jarofsin]

#someday 165 I float between clock hands; liquidized sighs of sorrow.

Someday will come at some point.

Until then I watch butterflies flutter around blooming flowers.

I make it a habit of consuming smiles - a suffocating lifestyle.

[jarofsin]

#Somewhere 164 Been a while since I scrawled a poem - How are you doing? Well, I'm in here alone. Began to believe my mind was a home, was hanging up the past, for the future -

but that's still unknown.

I needed to work on myself after he left, the tears were too much & my head was a mess. With suicidal thoughts, I was more than depressed. I was bitter and barren and entirely stressed -

I required rest.

But I had affection to give, and that's when I found her close to me - too close to rebound; And I mistook it for love and we fooled around, planning a future, where we were soulbound -

In blindness, I drowned.

Full of panic and rage and uncertainty - and those who know me, think it's willingly - oh, how they enjoy to stand, quietly, observe me, offering advice, through a screen; call it empathy -

as I succumb to apathy.

And perhaps one day I'll wake at dawn and stop feeling so much like an automaton. Where I can freely breathe without dwelling on which step to take or which switch to turn on -

It'd be one hell of a phenomenon.

[jarofsin]

#Day 163 So, I have this habit of hanging hoodies and bags on the end of my bed posts.

So while I was making my bed, moving back and forth - slipping between the wall and the bed post - The hoodie you bought me kept slipping off.

So, this frustrated me. And I took it and tossed it to the other side of the room and proceeded to continue making my bed.

And maybe I should have stuffed this hoodie away afterwards. But instead I placed it right back on that bed post. I have this habit, after all.

[jarofsin]

#Day 162 I'm searching for you inside laughter, inside smiles wound too tight to be genuine and light.

I'm searching for you between the lines. Where riddles and rhymes lay suggested storylines.

I'm searching for you under the shade of trees - A somber breeze; Comfortable memories.

I'm searching for you through ceiling fan blades - frame-by-frame of past charades. Blades now forming a barricade.

I'm searching for you with anxious eyes. My own, made up lies; This life has traumatized.

[jarofsin]

#Day 161 I'm searching for you under steaming faucets and fogged up mirrors. Inside a maze of walls - hallways filled with picture frames and hazy memories.

I'm searching for you deep inside catacombs of my rib cage. Burning sage off scribbled pages of old poetry. Wash. Rinse. Repeat.

I'm searching for you through locked windows. Where clouds bleed their tears on the Earth. And shadows are forced to tread lightly.

I'm searching for you where nightmares reign. Dreams die and decay inside clocks, ticking away. And on the insides of eyelids where only uncertainty lives.

[jarofsin]

#Day 160 I wonder if you'll hurt them, too. Leave their hearts black & blue, because that's all you know how to do. You wouldn't recognize love even if it hit you from above the head. I dread the day you realize what you've lost. Who you've fractured. The monster you've become, because you're too ignorant to see the lies you've disguised inside your kisses and fake kindness. Their broken shards will cut you until they make you bleed, make you plead & apologize how you mislead love out of pleasure & greed. Well, you'll never be freed, because I know you and you will proceed with these deeds that will lead you to repeat. I'm surprised you didn't cheat. But what do I know. What do I know, other than how low you would go even though we could have grown together. But that was thrown away. And no, I'm not okay. But it's also not okay to walk away and pretend I don't weigh heavy on your heart. I know things fall apart, but it didn't have to be our hearts. You've already departed. Left me for someone halfhearted. An uncharted territory - least for me, it'll leave for a good poem or story. How I was a second choice, how I tried to voice my concerns and my feelings, my reasons and my pleadings. How I was screaming and seemed like the weakling. But the only weakling here, is the one who threw us away. Within a day, I was betrayed. But you seem okay.

[jarofsin]

#Day 159 And maybe one day the name of my Spotify playlist won’t be about you.

[jarofsin]

#Night 158 I have become fine wine, but you're drunk off cheap Whiskey - that's when it hit us, hit me. I have become a ghost, haunting the darkest parts of your heart. And now, I've fallen apart.

I have become an old hoodie. Something to glance at - stuff me inside your box of memories.

I have become the discarded joker - the sidelined fool. Second place game; A fate so cruel. I have become the house key you'll leave. This was a home, for you and me. And now, I grieve.

[jarofsin]

#The darkest Night 157 I attempted to sleep but all I achieved was making the corner of my pillow wet.

I can't make someone love me, but fuck I still tried so hard. Too hard.

I poured all of me into you, broken, still empty bottle. I forgot to leave some for me.

My Father was right on one thing: Don't chase a boy, let them chase you. That effort shows they care about you.

But I craved your love so badly, I chased and climbed mountains - No safety ropes needed.

And now, I'm defeated. Laying at the bottom of the mess I've created & you've left.