just want to be worth it

| block don't report | jax | 25 | he/him | this is a side blog | mdni please I'm begging |

[jaxtheghostking]

hi I'm Jax I'm 25 and this is my mentally ill blog

trigger warning for eating disorders, body negativity, rants about other types of mental illnesses etc. proceed at your own risk

I follow back from my main blog @ixvessel

[jaxtheghostking]

oh boys this is gonna be a big one

I think my "mania" is wearing off and I'm going back to hating myself

why is one of my eyes so noticeably more closed than the other

why is my jaw so fucked up

why am I so fat

I don't want to eat ever again

I'm sad about the dinner I JUST made

[jaxtheghostking]

my ed decided to flare up just as I was finishing dinner

a win is a win I guess? now I just won't eat

[jaxtheghostking]

I can't keep having the same breakdown every night

I need this to stop

the meds aren't working

should I take more meds will that work

I can't do this anymore

[r0ttedteeth]

"I wish I was skinnier" I say while eating a whole tub of vanilla frosting

[armandology]

so many unread books on my shelf. unsure which to start first so ill just read nothing

[pjharvey]

they should invent a sleep schedule. any at all

[deathgasmic]

who else is up permanently feeling like they did something Wrong

[pudulogy]

for all of you:

[whyenn-reader]

you are not immune to inventing an arbitrary set of rules that only you have to adhere to

[wetheurban]

At the end of the day, you can’t delay joy until life looks a certain way. You deserve to enjoy your life now.

[sobcat]

[koiagain]

Stop saying “do it scared” i do everything scared I sleep scared Boy i’ll kill u

[thexfiles]

[jaxtheghostking]

my health is fucking falling apart no matter what I do

my recent hypomanic episode gave me the energy and motivation to actually see the doctors I've been putting off, but no matter what specialist I see, no matter what medication I take or treatment I do, the problem with exhaustion and perpetual sleepiness is not going away

my hair's been fucking falling out and I'm too scared to even bring it up with a doctor because what if I'm just balding lmao could be stress or a number of other things but like what if.

anyway, things are just getting worse and worse with my health and no one can help apparently

my fuckass endocrinologist REFUSED to book an appointment earlier than our scheduled checkup because she decided there's no need for one despite me having a shit ton of physical symptoms that for sure warrant some blood tests, even if just in case

she's an absolute moron, her advice was to 1) take my meds 2) get enough sleep and go to bed early 3) eat well 4) check in with my psychiatrist

oh my god oh my fucking god this fucking idiot, not only have I been doing my best to do all of these things, have been checking in with my psychiatrist because that was my first guess as to why I'm having these symptoms, but sleeping and eating are one of the things I'm struggling with she's so fucking stupid

anyway what if I just die what if I kill myself I can't deal with this shit

[cucurb]

hey guysss so unfortunately the rumors are true and im leaving the narrative. Buttt the good news is my absence will create such a gaping hole in your lives that it will become a sort of presence itself, and so in a way it will kind of be like i never left! But i am. Leaving just to be clear.

[valend]

Yahhh I have to build Rome. Yup it’s due tomorrow.. noo I haven’t started yet haha is that bad?

[innerchildabortionclinic]

crying never registered to me as a manipulation tactic because crying did nothing for me as a kid. here's the thing. I was constantly crying and panicking in every situation so it was never a shock to anyone and at most annoying, especially at school. i'm curious if anyone can relate.