Trigger Warning
In a recent twitter encounter, I happened to see someone put a trigger warning on her post about depression. In her post, she asked “Have you ever been like abandoned or betrayed by a person who was the closest person to you on earth, who(m) you could share things you coudn’t share to even your family? Were you able to move on? If you so, how?”
As a person who have experienced this situation a couple of times, I thought I had to share a piece of advice. The truth that this kind of betrayal or abandonment is the worst feeling in the world, and the recovery takes time, I just had to share a piece of my experience to help others. No matter how good or bad a person is, no one deserves to be betrayed or abandoned.
This kind of betrayal is the worst! It’s even worst than a break up with your boyfriend. I swear! One of the reasons I never believed in the concept of bestfriends (but I believe in the concept of real and good friends) is because almost all of my so-called bestfriends in the past either betrayed me, abandoned me or left the world early. What happened during my younger years were probably easier to forget because during that time I had tons of friends but the most recent one was the worst because I imagined growing old with him and taking care of him, but one day I woke up and we’re no longer talking to each other. Please don’t ask me why, because I never knew his reasons. There were probably people who knew and took his side. Well, okay, that’s life. What made the situation worst was that we were colleagues and known as “head and tail”, and people started noticing that we were not talking anymore, so, of course they’d ask what happened. THIS! This part was killing me softly. It was like a constant reminder that we were no longer friends.
It was the first time in my whole life that I had to beg for someone to talk to me, so we could resolve our issues, whatever they were. Because that’s what adults do, talk to each other when there are issues to be talked about. No matter how hard I tried, nothing happened. He just kept ignoring me and I was slowly losing myself. The fact that most people think I have a strong personality, they equate it to a strong heart. However in all honesty, I was so shattered inside but I had to keep that happy and strong disposition in life. In my mind, I kept telling myself that I can’t be mean or sad in front of other people because they also have their own cross to bear, and they have nothing to do with my problem.
He might not be friendly to everybody, but he was kind to me. He made me laugh and I learned many things about finances, investments, practicality and saving. I will always remember how he also took care of me. I wanted to save the friendship, but he refused and my self-esteem hit rock bottom. Eventually, I lost myself and cried myself to sleep almost every night. I am not ashamed to share this because I think that was a part of my journey to detachment and healing. Eventually, I left work and lived in another country for the next 3 years where I became ice cold to people who wanted to make friends with me. I felt that it was so tiring to invest my feelings to people that I will leave in the near future. By that time, I didn’t know I was going to stay abroad that long. I was practically a zombie inside who put up a wall.
The first step in to ALWAYS FORGIVE YOURSELF. You cannot continue on living and blaming yourself about what happened between the two of you. Sometimes, there is really nothing you can do about people who don’t value real friendship in this world. I understand that you may close doors for a while or put up a wall, and THAT IS OKAY. But believe me, one day someone will break that door or wall or whatever you put up to shield yourself from getting hurt. Someone will come into your life and will make you realize that you are worth the friendship and love; and that you are a beautiful person. FORGIVE YOURSELF and then FORGIVE THEM. That is the best way to b able to continue with life and experience new friendship with people who truly deserve your being. My healing process was long but I learned a lot of lessons along the way, and I met a lot of amazing people who slowly broke down my wall and added blood to the zombie kid inside. I pray for them and I thank God everyday that they all came into my life.
The healing process maybe long but it’s worth it, because the next time you meet him, you are at peace and not hurting anymore.